The darkness.
There is just something about it that draws people to
Itself;
The mystery, the unknown, the thrill of something
Different.
Many people are drawn to the darkness because it
Offers them something:
A different lifestyle,
A rush of adrenaline at the thought of doing something
Reckless,
A chance to get everything you've ever dreamed of and wanted.
A chance to have all of your desires and longings be fulfilled.
Everyone has something inside of them that is
Dark.
Maybe it's that addiction you have,
The one thing (or person) that you just can't live
Without,
The one person that is the center of your
World, or the one thing you do that you just
Can't
Stop
Doing.
Maybe it's that alter-ego,
The ugly side of you that no on ever sees.
Or, maybe it's all those dark, deep and secret thoughts that
No one
Knows about.
You know, those thoughts you have in the middle of the
Night,
Or when you're all alone and suddenly you find yourself
Thinking
Things you would normally never think.
The addictions, the alter-egos, the thoughts,
They are all a part of the
Darkness.
People have tried for centuries to defeat the
Darkness
Of this world;
To destroy it, to obliterate it from the face of the
Earth...
But, so far, no man has ever been able to succeed...
Well...
One did.
His name was Jesus, and He did a lot of amazing things.
He was God in human flesh, and He came to
Destroy the darkness.
But...
There's still darkness in this world.
And, you know what the scariest part is?
It's inside of all of us.
Darkness is in the heart of every human being,
No matter how good of a person they try to be.
Because this darkness is inside of everyone,
We all have the capacity for evil.
We all have the ability to do terrible things:
Steal, murder, cheat, lie.
All of those things are usually regarded as great acts of
Darkness.
But...
There are lots of smaller acts of darkness:
Ignoring your friends, and continuing to be
Angry and bitter towards them when you should
Forgive them for hurting you, and forget all that they did to you.
Abusing an animal for no other reason other than that you want to see it
Suffer.
Killing a baby, who is not even born yet, just because you are
Selfish
And don't want the responsibility of taking care of a
Child.
These are only a few of the millions of smaller acts of
Darkness,
Only a few small examples of the darkness that lies inside of
Everyone.
Someday...
Someday, I want to be free of this
Darkness.
Completely, totally and absolutely
Free.
For you see, the darkness just doesn't hurt other
People,
It hurts me... a lot.
It hurts me probably more than it hurts the others around
Me.
I could be wrong about that, but it sure doesn't feel like it.
This darkness has a strong hold on me, a very strong hold.
It has me gripped in its icy claws and is not wanting to
Let go.
It has me trapped, isolated from everyone who cares about
Me,
Because it doesn't want me to break free.
Ever.
It wants to hold on to me forever and always.
The darkness has me trapped in the worse place ever:
The past.
It has me trapped in my past, and keeps replaying
Memories
Over, and over, and over, and over, and over again until...
Nothing has happened... yet.
But I know it's only a matter of time before my
Past
Comes crashing in on me,
And I'm afraid of what will happen when it does.
I can only hope that when it does that I will be
Strong
Enough to fight back...
I hope.
Darkness.
It is all around us... and inside of
All of us.
Defy Gravity
"And nobody in all of Oz, no Wizard that there is or was, is ever gonna bring me down!"
Friday, January 21, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Rain, Beauty and Other Random Late Night Thoughts
It's 10:30 PM on a Sunday night. In actuality I should be sleeping right now, since I'm freaking exhausted and haven't gotten much sleep lately (my sleep schedule? Nonexistent, at this point.) But, I can't help but want to write something. Anything. I have so much inspirations holed up inside of me; I can feel it, wanting to work its way out through my fingers and create something, anything. The house is quiet. My parents and grandma are sound asleep as they too are exhausted, and I have my cat sleeping peacefully at the foot of my bed. I have just finished a lovely phone conversation with one of my best friends, Khrys, and also got to talk to my other best friend Brittney (she was having some guy problems, but with the help of our dear friend, Nick, we were able to sort out the problem and all is now right with the world.) And now I am thinking to myself, "No, Erin, all is not right with the world. In fact, it is far from it."
It's been raining all day today, and even now as I type this, it's still drizzling outside and I can hear the rain splattering against the ground outside my window (along with the sound of dogs barking at God knows what.) The rain has a very calming effect on me, and I sometimes like to sit out on my front porch and watch the rain during a thunderstorm. I find rain to be very beautiful, and as strange as it may seem, I also find things such as dead trees, leafless trees, cloudy skies, starry skies and cool, windy nights to be very beautiful too. Most people would look at a forest of dead or leafless trees and only see that: dead or leafless trees, and maybe the think about cutting down the dead tree and simply just not caring about the leafless one. But, to me, I can see such beauty in those things. Maybe I'm just twisted and morbid like that, but that is where I find the most beauty in nature.
There's been a lot going on in my life recently, and most of it I have already told you, so there is no need for me to go over it all again and bore you to tears. What's really going on in my life is something I can't explain really. I have these feelings; jumbled feelings that don't make any sense, and I can't even identify most of them they are so mixed up and tangled together. But I do recognize some of them: change is coming, I can feel it. Good change or bad change, that has yet to be determined. But I can feel it; change will be happening soon, and lots of it. Some change is obvious; new school semester, new show, lots of new things, but a lot of the change is unknown to me. All I know is that change is coming soon.
And while we're on the subject of "change", I now find myself contemplating on a rather unusual subject for me (especially this late at night.) The concept of marriage. Yep, that's right, marriage. A couple people that I know are getting married soon, like in just a couple months, and it has me thinking about why people get married in the first place. I know that God talks a lot about marriage in the Bible, and I know that it is often a big topic at church. I can't exactly place how, when, where or why I suddenly became so against getting married. Oh, I have an idea as to why, how and when, but I'd rather not talk about that right now. For now, it is enough for you to know that I have been against getting married, having kids and having any sort of lifelong relationship with anyone for quite some time now, and now the fact that I'm sitting here, contemplating marriage scares me a little bit. Not going to lie, when the break up with Travis happened, I decided that I was going to take a break for a while and play the "Independent Woman" card; take time to focus on school and doing what I love to do, which is be in shows. But, now I wonder...
It's strange, isn't it? You would think that someone at my age would be totally ready to find the love of their life, get married, have a couple kids and live the so called "perfect life", but I can't help but feel scared and sometimes downright terrified when I think of marriage and love. To me, those are the hardest things to talk about with basically anyone (I can talk to people like Hannah, Yamma, Khrys and Brittney about it, and sometimes Robert, but that's about it. Anyone else, I feel REALLY uncomfortable talking to about these topics.) My thought on marriage has changed over the course of my short time here on this earth, ever since I had any idea of what marriage was about, or what I thought it was about. When I was younger, I knew marriage and love as what they show in all the Disney princess movies: true love, princesses, princes, knights in shining armor, dragons, magic castle, spells, curses, fairy godmothers, and of course, Happily Ever After. Oh, how I dreamed of the day when my Prince Charming would come and sweep me off my feet and we'd live happily ever after. I wanted to be a princess, just like the ones in the Disney movies I loved so much.
Then I got older, and my idea of marriage rose and fall with each year. Some years I would do nothing but dream of the day I would walk down the aisle, and some years I wanted absolutely nothing to do with guys, dating or marriage. As the years have gone by, this vicious cycle has continued, and the older I get, and the more experience I get with relationships, the more I have come to the conclusion that marriage just isn't meant for me. It's meant for other people; it's meant for everyone else, except me. But, now... now, something has changed within me. I can't say what it is, but somewhere, at some point during these last few weeks, something has shifted. Maybe it's my mindset. Maybe it's hormones. Maybe it's God. Or... maybe it's just a bizarre combination of all three, hahaha. Still, I do wonder...
It is quite possible, however, that the lack of sleep is now starting to deeply affect my thought pattern and so all of this could simply be the result of not enough sleep. Part of me would like to think this is true, because I want to find some kind of logical explanation for all of this. But, something tells me logic isn't going to give me an answer. Anyway, it's late now (it's now 12:15 AM) and even though I don't have school tomorrow, I do have a few important things to get done and I need to be conscious and awake to do those things. Besides, I think I've spilled my guts enough for one night, hahaha. Good night, dear readers.
It's been raining all day today, and even now as I type this, it's still drizzling outside and I can hear the rain splattering against the ground outside my window (along with the sound of dogs barking at God knows what.) The rain has a very calming effect on me, and I sometimes like to sit out on my front porch and watch the rain during a thunderstorm. I find rain to be very beautiful, and as strange as it may seem, I also find things such as dead trees, leafless trees, cloudy skies, starry skies and cool, windy nights to be very beautiful too. Most people would look at a forest of dead or leafless trees and only see that: dead or leafless trees, and maybe the think about cutting down the dead tree and simply just not caring about the leafless one. But, to me, I can see such beauty in those things. Maybe I'm just twisted and morbid like that, but that is where I find the most beauty in nature.
There's been a lot going on in my life recently, and most of it I have already told you, so there is no need for me to go over it all again and bore you to tears. What's really going on in my life is something I can't explain really. I have these feelings; jumbled feelings that don't make any sense, and I can't even identify most of them they are so mixed up and tangled together. But I do recognize some of them: change is coming, I can feel it. Good change or bad change, that has yet to be determined. But I can feel it; change will be happening soon, and lots of it. Some change is obvious; new school semester, new show, lots of new things, but a lot of the change is unknown to me. All I know is that change is coming soon.
And while we're on the subject of "change", I now find myself contemplating on a rather unusual subject for me (especially this late at night.) The concept of marriage. Yep, that's right, marriage. A couple people that I know are getting married soon, like in just a couple months, and it has me thinking about why people get married in the first place. I know that God talks a lot about marriage in the Bible, and I know that it is often a big topic at church. I can't exactly place how, when, where or why I suddenly became so against getting married. Oh, I have an idea as to why, how and when, but I'd rather not talk about that right now. For now, it is enough for you to know that I have been against getting married, having kids and having any sort of lifelong relationship with anyone for quite some time now, and now the fact that I'm sitting here, contemplating marriage scares me a little bit. Not going to lie, when the break up with Travis happened, I decided that I was going to take a break for a while and play the "Independent Woman" card; take time to focus on school and doing what I love to do, which is be in shows. But, now I wonder...
It's strange, isn't it? You would think that someone at my age would be totally ready to find the love of their life, get married, have a couple kids and live the so called "perfect life", but I can't help but feel scared and sometimes downright terrified when I think of marriage and love. To me, those are the hardest things to talk about with basically anyone (I can talk to people like Hannah, Yamma, Khrys and Brittney about it, and sometimes Robert, but that's about it. Anyone else, I feel REALLY uncomfortable talking to about these topics.) My thought on marriage has changed over the course of my short time here on this earth, ever since I had any idea of what marriage was about, or what I thought it was about. When I was younger, I knew marriage and love as what they show in all the Disney princess movies: true love, princesses, princes, knights in shining armor, dragons, magic castle, spells, curses, fairy godmothers, and of course, Happily Ever After. Oh, how I dreamed of the day when my Prince Charming would come and sweep me off my feet and we'd live happily ever after. I wanted to be a princess, just like the ones in the Disney movies I loved so much.
Then I got older, and my idea of marriage rose and fall with each year. Some years I would do nothing but dream of the day I would walk down the aisle, and some years I wanted absolutely nothing to do with guys, dating or marriage. As the years have gone by, this vicious cycle has continued, and the older I get, and the more experience I get with relationships, the more I have come to the conclusion that marriage just isn't meant for me. It's meant for other people; it's meant for everyone else, except me. But, now... now, something has changed within me. I can't say what it is, but somewhere, at some point during these last few weeks, something has shifted. Maybe it's my mindset. Maybe it's hormones. Maybe it's God. Or... maybe it's just a bizarre combination of all three, hahaha. Still, I do wonder...
It is quite possible, however, that the lack of sleep is now starting to deeply affect my thought pattern and so all of this could simply be the result of not enough sleep. Part of me would like to think this is true, because I want to find some kind of logical explanation for all of this. But, something tells me logic isn't going to give me an answer. Anyway, it's late now (it's now 12:15 AM) and even though I don't have school tomorrow, I do have a few important things to get done and I need to be conscious and awake to do those things. Besides, I think I've spilled my guts enough for one night, hahaha. Good night, dear readers.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Life Complicated
Life never ceases to amaze me. A few days ago, I had a rather interesting (and at some points, awkward) phone conversation with an old theater friend of mine. We first met back in 2008 when I was doing "The Wizard of Oz" with HFAC (Houston Family Arts Center.) It was my first show with this group, and I was excited to be a part of such an awesome show with such awesome people. Ever since then, we've been good friends; we've been in one other show together, "The Diary of Anne Frank" but because he lives in Katy and I live here in New Caney, we don't get to see each other much, except when we do shows together, which is rare for me these days. I haven't done another show with HFAC since 2009 with "Diary of Anne Frank" (I've auditioned for "West Side Story" last summer, but that audition didn't work out too well for me.)
Anyway, I get on Facebook and this friend of mine is lamenting his singleness, so I commented on his status, agreeing with him that the single life does indeed suck. He replies back with "You have a boyfriend, how would you know?" and to which I reply, "No I don't, we broke up." A few minutes later, we are talking on chat. He tells me how sorry he is about the break up, and then asks if we can finish this conversation on the phone. I immediately knew where this conversation was going to go. And I was right. He calls me up and asks me, "So... have you ever thought about us dating?" Oh. my. lord. Even though I knew from the start where this conversation was going to lead, the question still took me by surprise. I told him the truth, that yes, I had thought about it a couple times. And... well, you can imagine where the rest went. In essence, he told me that if we did decide to date, we would take it really slow (gee, where else have I heard that before? hmm... oh well, whatever.)
Now, here is where it gets complicated. I know that Nathan likes me. Now I know that this other guy likes me. And I honestly don't know how I feel about either of them. This is so weird; back in high school, I didn't have any problems with guys. There were some guys that I had crushes on, but those never went anywhere and now I'm in college and all of a sudden I've got guys coming out of the woodwork and telling me they like me and... (sigh) honestly, this is getting to be too much. Part of me just wishes they would LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE but... the other part of me feels really flattered and special and wanted, and it's a really nice feeling. It's such a strange combination, these feelings. The feeling of wanting to be left alone, but at the same time wanting that closeness that I secretly long for. And I guess that's my problem: it's a secret.
I don't tend to express and vocalize my feelings and thoughts to people, some times not even to my closest friends. That's part of the reason I started this blog; to get my feelings and thoughts out without having to verbalize them, which probably isn't a good thing. I don't tend to communicate well (just ask my exs, they'll tell you) so this is probably just making my lack of communication skills worse. Therein lies the problem. Unless a person reads my blog, they probably don't know what's really going on in my life. Sure, there's things that I don't post in here, more personal matters and such, but basically, everything I post on here is what is going on with me and my personal life. Another part of my problem I think is that I am so against talking about marriage and am very against having children (I can't STAND it when my mom or anyone else tries to talk to me about how many kids I want, what I want to name my kids, etc. I freaking HATE those conversations >_<) that is just turns most guys away instantly. In other words, when guys first meet me, they think I'm cold and... well, maybe even a little heartless.
I know already that lots of guys are intimidated by me (I still have yet to figure out why exactly) and I guess they are also turned off by my lack of... I don't know what you call it... femininity? I don't know, but I'm starting to think that although a guy may find me to be attractive on the outside, once he gets to know me I scare him off. Which makes sense, in a way. I would be scared of me too if I was a guy.
Well, I guess I should go to bed now. It's almost 1:30 in the morning (I went to dinner and to go see a show at HFAC tonight with that friend of mine. He said it wasn't a date, but somehow I don't believe him.) And I've got a long day tomorrow. "Zaney Muldaney" callbacks are tomorrow at 2, and that could last all afternoon, so I need to be sure to stay awake, hahaha :-P) Good night, everyone.
Anyway, I get on Facebook and this friend of mine is lamenting his singleness, so I commented on his status, agreeing with him that the single life does indeed suck. He replies back with "You have a boyfriend, how would you know?" and to which I reply, "No I don't, we broke up." A few minutes later, we are talking on chat. He tells me how sorry he is about the break up, and then asks if we can finish this conversation on the phone. I immediately knew where this conversation was going to go. And I was right. He calls me up and asks me, "So... have you ever thought about us dating?" Oh. my. lord. Even though I knew from the start where this conversation was going to lead, the question still took me by surprise. I told him the truth, that yes, I had thought about it a couple times. And... well, you can imagine where the rest went. In essence, he told me that if we did decide to date, we would take it really slow (gee, where else have I heard that before? hmm... oh well, whatever.)
Now, here is where it gets complicated. I know that Nathan likes me. Now I know that this other guy likes me. And I honestly don't know how I feel about either of them. This is so weird; back in high school, I didn't have any problems with guys. There were some guys that I had crushes on, but those never went anywhere and now I'm in college and all of a sudden I've got guys coming out of the woodwork and telling me they like me and... (sigh) honestly, this is getting to be too much. Part of me just wishes they would LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE but... the other part of me feels really flattered and special and wanted, and it's a really nice feeling. It's such a strange combination, these feelings. The feeling of wanting to be left alone, but at the same time wanting that closeness that I secretly long for. And I guess that's my problem: it's a secret.
I don't tend to express and vocalize my feelings and thoughts to people, some times not even to my closest friends. That's part of the reason I started this blog; to get my feelings and thoughts out without having to verbalize them, which probably isn't a good thing. I don't tend to communicate well (just ask my exs, they'll tell you) so this is probably just making my lack of communication skills worse. Therein lies the problem. Unless a person reads my blog, they probably don't know what's really going on in my life. Sure, there's things that I don't post in here, more personal matters and such, but basically, everything I post on here is what is going on with me and my personal life. Another part of my problem I think is that I am so against talking about marriage and am very against having children (I can't STAND it when my mom or anyone else tries to talk to me about how many kids I want, what I want to name my kids, etc. I freaking HATE those conversations >_<) that is just turns most guys away instantly. In other words, when guys first meet me, they think I'm cold and... well, maybe even a little heartless.
I know already that lots of guys are intimidated by me (I still have yet to figure out why exactly) and I guess they are also turned off by my lack of... I don't know what you call it... femininity? I don't know, but I'm starting to think that although a guy may find me to be attractive on the outside, once he gets to know me I scare him off. Which makes sense, in a way. I would be scared of me too if I was a guy.
Well, I guess I should go to bed now. It's almost 1:30 in the morning (I went to dinner and to go see a show at HFAC tonight with that friend of mine. He said it wasn't a date, but somehow I don't believe him.) And I've got a long day tomorrow. "Zaney Muldaney" callbacks are tomorrow at 2, and that could last all afternoon, so I need to be sure to stay awake, hahaha :-P) Good night, everyone.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Zaney Muldaney, School and Guys
Sunday was my audition for Ms. Brenda and Ms. Janice's newest show, "Zaney Muldaney", and I must say, I am SUPER EXCITED for this show :-) I haven't been in a show since this time last year when I did "Swarthy Seadog" (for the second time) and it feels good to be back at the Nathaniel Center. I don't know yet which part I got (there's 2 more audition dates, and of course callbacks, but I probably won't get a callback because Ms. Brenda knows me so well by this point that she knows what I an capable of.) The cast is huge; about 20-something people, and the set is supposed to also be huge and very elaborate, from what Ms. Brenda says. One of the many things I have learned from being in theatre is that when they ask you, "What part or parts would you be interested in?" You ALWAYS say, "Any is fine" because if you just insist on one specific part (like the lead role) then they more than likely won't give it to you, because you aren't willing to be cast in whatever role the director thinks would be best for you. And so, that is exactly what I told Ms. Brenda when she asked me what part I was interested in.
Not going to lie, though; I REALLY want the lead role of Zaney, because I feel that I would really be able to connect with the character, but it's whatever Ms. Brenda and Ms. Janice want. It's their show, after all. Ms. Janice wrote the script and Ms. Brenda wrote the music, so they will cast me in whatever role they feel would work best for me. Whatever happens, I know I'll have fun with this show :-) I've missed being on the stage. The rehearsals, the lights, the costumes, the make-up, the audience, the songs, the adrenaline rush you get on opening night... I love all of it, and I wouldn't trade this life for anything. I honestly don't know if I would be able to survive without being in shows. It's like oxygen to me; without it, I would die. I realize that is a bit over-dramatic, but that's why I'm an actor, hahaha, I live for the over-dramatic :-P Oh, and just today I got an email, saying that they wanted me to come for a callback, which makes me REALLY EXCITED because I haven't had a callback from Ms. Brenda since I did "Swarthy Seadog" the first time.
So, next Tuesday I go back to school. Not going to lie, I'm ready for break to be over. I want to go back to my "normal" routine and I especially can't wait for "Zaney Muldaney" to get going, no matter what part I get. My school schedule should be a lot easier than it was last semester, since I won't be taking Diction and my math class is going to be at 8 in the morning on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, so the latest I'll get out of school on Monday and Wednesday will be 3, which is great. And, of course, I've got a lot of other things coming up with this semester: TMEA All-State, classic NATS and Musical Theatre NATS, choir tour, Passion Project and who knows what else? My semester is very rarely ever set in stone when it comes to extra activities outside of school.
A brief synopsis of what's been going on with Travis and I. He called me on Friday and we talked, and managed to patch things up a bit, so I think it's safe to say that our friendship will survive and that seeing him at school won't be as awkward as it could have been. And I may have even convinced him to audition for "Zaney Muldaney", since we DESPERATELY need more guys to be in the show.What I am worried about is my friendship with Nathan. I'm a little concerned that Nathan will try make a move on me (not that he hasn't already, but whatever) and I know for a fact that I will not be ready to date again for a while. I'm going to take at least the semester off from dating any more guys, because, honestly, I need a break from relationships. I don't even want to think about being in a relationship with another guy for a while, because I'm tired of giving my heart away only to have it handed back, broken and in worse condition that it was before.
Anyway, I think that's enough for now. It's late, and I'm really tired. Got a busy week this week, and I need to get all the sleep I can before school starts. So, until next time... later, peeps! :-)
Not going to lie, though; I REALLY want the lead role of Zaney, because I feel that I would really be able to connect with the character, but it's whatever Ms. Brenda and Ms. Janice want. It's their show, after all. Ms. Janice wrote the script and Ms. Brenda wrote the music, so they will cast me in whatever role they feel would work best for me. Whatever happens, I know I'll have fun with this show :-) I've missed being on the stage. The rehearsals, the lights, the costumes, the make-up, the audience, the songs, the adrenaline rush you get on opening night... I love all of it, and I wouldn't trade this life for anything. I honestly don't know if I would be able to survive without being in shows. It's like oxygen to me; without it, I would die. I realize that is a bit over-dramatic, but that's why I'm an actor, hahaha, I live for the over-dramatic :-P Oh, and just today I got an email, saying that they wanted me to come for a callback, which makes me REALLY EXCITED because I haven't had a callback from Ms. Brenda since I did "Swarthy Seadog" the first time.
So, next Tuesday I go back to school. Not going to lie, I'm ready for break to be over. I want to go back to my "normal" routine and I especially can't wait for "Zaney Muldaney" to get going, no matter what part I get. My school schedule should be a lot easier than it was last semester, since I won't be taking Diction and my math class is going to be at 8 in the morning on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, so the latest I'll get out of school on Monday and Wednesday will be 3, which is great. And, of course, I've got a lot of other things coming up with this semester: TMEA All-State, classic NATS and Musical Theatre NATS, choir tour, Passion Project and who knows what else? My semester is very rarely ever set in stone when it comes to extra activities outside of school.
A brief synopsis of what's been going on with Travis and I. He called me on Friday and we talked, and managed to patch things up a bit, so I think it's safe to say that our friendship will survive and that seeing him at school won't be as awkward as it could have been. And I may have even convinced him to audition for "Zaney Muldaney", since we DESPERATELY need more guys to be in the show.What I am worried about is my friendship with Nathan. I'm a little concerned that Nathan will try make a move on me (not that he hasn't already, but whatever) and I know for a fact that I will not be ready to date again for a while. I'm going to take at least the semester off from dating any more guys, because, honestly, I need a break from relationships. I don't even want to think about being in a relationship with another guy for a while, because I'm tired of giving my heart away only to have it handed back, broken and in worse condition that it was before.
Anyway, I think that's enough for now. It's late, and I'm really tired. Got a busy week this week, and I need to get all the sleep I can before school starts. So, until next time... later, peeps! :-)
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Move On
This song is from the musical, "Sunday in the Park with George" (another musical I have yet to see.)
This is a song that I would like to dedicate to two very special people. I'm sure they know who they are, so there's no need for me to say their names. This song is for them, to know that it's okay to move on now. Even if you already have, I want you to know that I'm okay. I'm moving on with my life, even if it hurts sometimes knowing that I have to go on this part of my journey through life without you, and knowing that I may have to go through the rest of my life without you by my side hurts a lot. But, I'm moving on. And this dedicated to everyone one else out there who has had their heart broken, but can't seem to go on with their life. I promise you, you can move on, and your life will get better :-)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AzZ_IYGtYX0
(P.S. sorry this is such a crappy video, but it's the only one I could find.)
This is a song that I would like to dedicate to two very special people. I'm sure they know who they are, so there's no need for me to say their names. This song is for them, to know that it's okay to move on now. Even if you already have, I want you to know that I'm okay. I'm moving on with my life, even if it hurts sometimes knowing that I have to go on this part of my journey through life without you, and knowing that I may have to go through the rest of my life without you by my side hurts a lot. But, I'm moving on. And this dedicated to everyone one else out there who has had their heart broken, but can't seem to go on with their life. I promise you, you can move on, and your life will get better :-)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AzZ_IYGtYX0
(P.S. sorry this is such a crappy video, but it's the only one I could find.)
Move On
You are complete, yes, you are your own.
We do not belong together.
You are complete, just you all alone.
I am unfinished, I am diminished.
With or without you.
We do not belong together, and we should have belonged together.
What made it so right together, is what made it all wrong.
No one is you and no one can be,
But others will do though.
No one is you, no, there we agree.
But no one is me, no, no one is me.
We do not belong together.
And we'll never belong.
There's nothing to say.
I cannot be what you want.
I did what I had to do.
Now it's up to you.
Move on.
Stop worrying where you're going,
Move on.
If you can know where you're going,
You've gone.
Just keep moving on.
I chose and my world was shaken, so what?
The choice may have been mistaken, the choosing was not.
You have to move on.
Look at what you want, not what might have been.
Only what could be.
Look at all the things you did for me.
Opened up my eyes, taught me how to see.
Notice every tree,
Trust myself enough to move on.
I want to explore the world.
I wanna find how to get through,
Through this something new.
Something of my own.
Move on, move on.
Stop wondering which direction is right.
You think that you've found perfection,
And then overnight you keep moving on.
Look at what you want, not at where you are.
Think of what you have, what can be.
Look at all the things you gave to me.
Let me give to you something in return.
Think of what we had, not the things we couldn't share.
Just the best of what was there.
Like the care, and the feeling,
And the life moving on.
We do not belong together,
And we should have belonged together.
We have to move on.
Settle for the glow, time for letting go.
Now the moment's gone.
Time for moving on.
Move on.
Move on.
The Man I Love
So, I bet you can guess what this song is about. This is a song I found on Barbra Streisand's "Back to Broadway" album from 1993. It's from the musical "Billie Holiday", which I have yet to see, but maybe someday I will get a chance to see it. Anyway, I absolutely LOVE this song, and I think it fits my current relationship status, hahaha :-)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UgbetsEdct8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UgbetsEdct8
The Man I Love
Someday he'll come along, the man I love.
And he'll be big and strong, the man I love.
And when he comes my way I'll do my best to make him stay.
He'll look at me and smile, I'll understand.
And in a little while, he'll take my hand.
And though it seems absurd, I know we both won't say,
We won't say a word.
Maybe I shall meet him Sunday.
Maybe Monday, maybe not.
Still I'm sure to meet him one day.
Maybe Tuesday will be my good news day.
We'll build a little home, just meant for two.
From which I'll never roam.
Who would, would you?
And so all else above, I'm waiting for the man I love.
Maybe I shall meet him on Sunday.
Maybe Monday, maybe not.
Still I'm sure to meet him one day.
Maybe Tuesday will be my good news day.
We'll build a little home, just meant for two.
From which I'll never, ever roam.
Who would, would you?
And so all else above, I'm waiting for the man I love.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Back To The Single Life
As I sit here on the back steps of my house, I can't help but feel a wonderful sense of peace and freedom. The weather is beautiful, the sun is shining, a cool, light breeze is blowing and it's that time of year where nature is transitioning from Fall to Spring; the trees are still bare, but new life is beginning all over the place; new grass is starting to grow, baby animals are being born, and a new school semester is just around the corner. It's a time of newness, a time of rebirth and revival. And so, even though my relationship with Travis is over, I've got so much to look forward to this coming semester.
I'd rather not go into all of the details of the break up, but basically he did it over Facebook, which really made me mad, especially since I had just seen him an hour ago. It hurt, and I was really disappointed in him; that is such a cowardly thing to do, but whatever. It's his loss, not mine. Everyone has been telling me that I can do better than him, now I just have to convince myself of that. Quite honestly, I'm thinking of taking a break from the dating scene for a while. I need time to take care of myself and I need to be more focused on my school and my "career." And really, this break up is actually a blessing in disguise. I'm going to be extremely busy this semester, since I'm going to be doing another show at the Nathaniel Center called "Zaney Muldaney" and also, my church will be putting on their Easter production like last year, and I'm definitely going to want to be involved in that. Plus, school is just going to be really hectic this semester, so in all honesty, I'm not going to have much time for a boyfriend.
And, most importantly, my spiritual life. I've got to be honest, I really haven't been living the Christian life. I haven't been walking the walk or talking the talk, and I think I need to take this break not only for my heart to heal again, but for me to draw close to God again and get my priorities straight. During the time I was dating Travis, I went to church and that was about it. I didn't read my Bible, I didn't pray, because quite honestly, I felt like a total hypocrite. I felt guilty, knowing all the things I had done weren't the things a child of God should be doing with her life. So, in a way, I've come to see this a some kind of miracle; I feel a strange sense of freedom that I haven't felt in a while. It's like I was completely bound in chains and now they've been broken. It's strange, really. I woke up this morning, still feeling the affects of last night, and as the day went on the feeling of worthlessness turned into a bittersweet feeling. I'm hurt that it's over with Travis, because for a while, he made me feel beautiful and wanted, but also I know that this is really the best thing for me.
Strange to think that, after all I've done, God would still want to help me and give me a way out of the darkness that I had been living in. During the time that I was dating Travis, I didn't pray or read my Bible because I felt that it would be the most hypocritical thing I could do, and I felt so guilty and terrible and ashamed of the things I had done that I didn't want to pray because I didn't think God would want to listen to me. But, that's the amazing thing about God; He doesn't think like we do, and He loves us so much more than we would ever comprehend or fathom. My break from guys is going to probably be the best thing I will ever be able to do for myself. It will give my heart time to heal, give me the extra time I need to do better in school and be able to do shows, AND it will help me grow closer to God again.
I think this semester is going to be the best semester ever.
I'd rather not go into all of the details of the break up, but basically he did it over Facebook, which really made me mad, especially since I had just seen him an hour ago. It hurt, and I was really disappointed in him; that is such a cowardly thing to do, but whatever. It's his loss, not mine. Everyone has been telling me that I can do better than him, now I just have to convince myself of that. Quite honestly, I'm thinking of taking a break from the dating scene for a while. I need time to take care of myself and I need to be more focused on my school and my "career." And really, this break up is actually a blessing in disguise. I'm going to be extremely busy this semester, since I'm going to be doing another show at the Nathaniel Center called "Zaney Muldaney" and also, my church will be putting on their Easter production like last year, and I'm definitely going to want to be involved in that. Plus, school is just going to be really hectic this semester, so in all honesty, I'm not going to have much time for a boyfriend.
And, most importantly, my spiritual life. I've got to be honest, I really haven't been living the Christian life. I haven't been walking the walk or talking the talk, and I think I need to take this break not only for my heart to heal again, but for me to draw close to God again and get my priorities straight. During the time I was dating Travis, I went to church and that was about it. I didn't read my Bible, I didn't pray, because quite honestly, I felt like a total hypocrite. I felt guilty, knowing all the things I had done weren't the things a child of God should be doing with her life. So, in a way, I've come to see this a some kind of miracle; I feel a strange sense of freedom that I haven't felt in a while. It's like I was completely bound in chains and now they've been broken. It's strange, really. I woke up this morning, still feeling the affects of last night, and as the day went on the feeling of worthlessness turned into a bittersweet feeling. I'm hurt that it's over with Travis, because for a while, he made me feel beautiful and wanted, but also I know that this is really the best thing for me.
Strange to think that, after all I've done, God would still want to help me and give me a way out of the darkness that I had been living in. During the time that I was dating Travis, I didn't pray or read my Bible because I felt that it would be the most hypocritical thing I could do, and I felt so guilty and terrible and ashamed of the things I had done that I didn't want to pray because I didn't think God would want to listen to me. But, that's the amazing thing about God; He doesn't think like we do, and He loves us so much more than we would ever comprehend or fathom. My break from guys is going to probably be the best thing I will ever be able to do for myself. It will give my heart time to heal, give me the extra time I need to do better in school and be able to do shows, AND it will help me grow closer to God again.
I think this semester is going to be the best semester ever.
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