New Year, New Start... Or Not

Today is New Year's Eve, and that means it will be a new start for many people, including myself. For me, 2010 has been a year of new friendships, new experiences, new challenges, new disappointments, and new hardships. I've stood on the tallest mountain, and I've walked through the lowest valley. I have learned new things about myself; I have changed in so many ways, and yet when it comes right down to it, I haven't changed at all. I am still me, and yet I am a different me, a new me. In one word, 2010 was weird. It was such a strange mixture of good things, wonderful things, bad things and terrible things.

I went to a part of Texas and interacted with people who didn't speak English, I went to New Orleans for the first time, I went to see my favorite musical, 'Wicked', I got my first kiss and first boyfriend. I got to get experience in working backstage for a musical, I got experience in being in opera, I got my heart broken for the first time, and I got to experience the healing power of starting over. I have known what it feels like to be absolutely and completely happy and I have known what it feels like to be completely devastated and feeling like you're going to die. Yes, indeed, it has been a rather strange year.

I would like to think that this new year is going to be an improvement, but somehow, I'm not so sure it will be. I want to be optimistic about starting the new year, but I also want to be realistic. Realistically, this new year probably won't be any better than this year has been. Why do I say that, you ask? Call it a woman's intuition. You see, during these past few weeks as I've been on break, I've had a lot of time to think about the current "relationship" I'm in (if you can even call it a relationship) and I'm starting to think that it won't be much longer before either he ends it or I do, because quite honestly, I don't know how much longer I can handle being ignored and being made to feel that I am not worth his time... although that is true, because I'm not.

I think it's time I got something out in the open, something I haven't told anyone yet, not even my closest friends. Before Winter Break, Travis tried to break up with me. It's a long, complicated and not-so-pretty story, but in the end, I was begging him for a second chance, and he gave it to me, though not exactly ready and willing. And you know what's strange? That is exactly what I begged Mark for, a second chance. Why is it always me begging, pleading, crying for a second chance? And why is it that no guy really ever wants to give me that second chance? He does it, but unwillingly, and then it's always me who is left wondering, "What did I do wrong? Am I not worth it?" Apparently I'm not.

I've decided something. I'm going to wait until after the holidays are over to try and talk to Travis. I'm going to wait until we have that extra rehearsal for the Chamber Singers choir tour to talk to him. Why? Because I'm willing to give him a second chance. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and trust that he still wants this. I'm going to trust him, and I'm going to give him another chance to prove to me that he still wants this relationship. Maybe I'm doing the dumbest thing ever. Maybe I'll just end up getting hurt again, but I'm willing to give him a second chance and if I get hurt in the end, then so be it. I don't want to be afraid of getting hurt anymore. Maybe that's an ambitious and unrealistic goal, but it's what I want... it's the only way I will ever be able to open my heart up to someone else when this my relationship with Travis is over, which may be sooner than I think.

Anyway, that's how my year was, in a nutshell. Tonight I'm going to hang out with Nick, Kayse, Nick's sister Jackie, Mark and some other cool people :-) what a great way to end the year. I hope you all have a safe and wonderful night :-) Thanks to everyone who reads this blog and I'll see you all in 2011!

I Know Him So Well (lyrics)

Basically, this is how I'm feeling right now about my relationship with Travis. I know it's going to end, and perhaps it might be ending sooner than I would like it to, but... I just don't know anymore. Anyway, this is the song "I Know Him So Well" from the musical 'Chess'

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bnjG1kUQtno

I Know Him So Well

Verse 1:

Nothing is so good it lasts eternally. 

Perfect situations must go wrong.

But this has never yet prevented me

Wanting far too much for far too long.

Looking back, I could have played it differently.

Won a few more moments, who can tell?

But it took time to understand the man.

Now at least I know I know him well.

Chorus: 

Wasn't it good? (oh so good) Wasn't he fine? (oh so fine) 

Isn't it madness? He can't be mine?

But in the end he needs a little bit more than me - 

More security (he needs his fantasy and freedom)

I know him so well.

Verse 2:

No one in your life is with you constantly.

No one is completely on your side.

And though I move my world to be with him,

Still the gap between us is too wide.

Looking back I could have played it differently.

(Looking back I could have played things another way.)

Learned about the man before I fell.

(I was just a little careless maybe.)

But I was ever so much younger then.

(Now at least I know him well.)

Now at least I know I know him well.

Chorus:

Wasn't it good? (oh so good) Wasn't he fine? (oh so fine) 

Isn't it madness? He won't be mine?

Didn't I know how it would go?

If I knew from the start, why am I falling apart?

Wasn't it good? Wasn't he fine?

Isn't it madness? He won't be mine?

But in the end he needs a little bit more than me - 

More security (he needs his fantasy and freedom)

I know him so well.

It took time to understand him.

I know him so well.

Merry Christmas :)

Merry Christmas, my dear readers! I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas, I know I did. It was almost perfect: I got some amazing presents, I went to see "The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader", and I got to visit my friends Brittney, Alyssa, Lauren and Mark and give them their presents. Yes indeed, it was almost perfect. Why do I say "almost"? Well, it would have been completely perfect if I had been able to spend some time with Travis, but I suppose you can't always get everything you want, even on Christmas. Honestly, if I had to chose whether to spend the day with him or get 5 million amazing, awesome presents, I would rather spend the day with Travis. I suppose this need to see him so much is coming from the fact that I've only seen him once since school let out for break, which was about... 2 weeks ago, at least. I saw him yesterday when I dropped off his Christmas present at his house, and we got to talk for a little bit, but for me, it wasn't enough. I miss hanging out with him. I miss him.

Gosh, I really am pathetic, aren't I? I don't see or talk to him for two weeks, and I go completely insane. Yeah, I realize you're all probably thinking, "Well, if you miss him so much, why haven't you called him or anything?" Well, there's a couple of reasons for one, he doesn't get a lot of minutes on his phone, and the few times I've called him before, I've called him while he was with his friends or family, and since Christmas is mostly about family, I decided that I would give him space so he gets to spend time with his family, even though he isn't really fond of his family, especially his dad. Secondly, when we try to talk on the phone or online, our conversations often get stuck and we don't talk much, and honestly I prefer talking to him in person than over the phone. For me, that is the more preferable method for talking to someone, unless it can't be helped, like with Hannah, Khrys and Yamma. I have to talk to them on the phone or online because they live in Michigan and I can't see them in person. And, I also have this feeling that Travis needs some space from me right now. Don't ask me why, but that's just the feeling I have. So, I'm doing what I think is best for him and give him his space.

Anyway, enough about that. I've got a lot of fun things to expect in the coming new year. There's going to be the Chamber Singers choir tour in January, and then in February is All State :-) I've got a lot to look forward to, and I'm excited for a brand new year. I have decided that 2011 is going to be a better year than this year. Not that this year was terrible, but like I said before, it was just really weird, and I'm hoping for a not-so-weird year with 2011. Yes, every year has its ups and downs, but this year was just... well... weird, there's really no other word for it than that. But because I've got such good things to look forward to at the beginning of the new year, maybe the rest of it will be just as good. Here's to hoping.

Well, I guess I'll stop here for tonight. It's been a long day, but a good one :-) I hope you all had a very merry Christmas, I know I sure did. Good night, everyone!

Christmas Time

So yeah, Christmas is this Saturday. That should make me really happy, right? After all, Christmas is my favorite holiday, and December is my favorite month. But this year's different, for some reason. As I might have stated in my last update, I've been feeling depressed lately, and then of course, my dad has been without a job for about a month now, and on top of all of that, this semester in school has been... well, just really weird, and bad and all around not-so-good. In fact, this entire YEAR has been really weird. Yes, it's had its good moments, but it's mostly just been really weird and it's had a lot of bad moments.

I just don't understand it. Christmas is supposed to be the happiest time of the year, but I don't feel happy. I feel depressed, agitated, unhappy, and irritable. Everything seems to set me off, or make me sad or angry, and I really hate it. I think I have a couple ideas as to why this is happening, but they're such dumb reasons. It's things that shouldn't effect me, but for some reason they have; things that shouldn't bother me, but they do. I hate being like this, and I really hope that 2011 will be a much better year. I think I just need a fresh start, and a brand new year is just what the doctor ordered, and not just for mental health, but for my education and my spiritual health as well.

You see, I failed my math class. Sure, it was only a remedial class, so it's not going to show up on my transcript and it won't be able to transfer to another college after Lone Star, but the fact remains that I still failed it. And I got a C in my Ear Training/Sight Singing class, and that's mostly because Ear Training is such a freaking hard class, and we were learning a bunch of new stuff that I didn't really get until the end of the semester, but at that point I had still failed all of my quizzes in the class, so it didn't really matter by the time finals came around.

And to top it all off, my spiritual life has... well, basically been non-existent, so that has greatly increased my depression. I haven't been living the kind of life a true Christian should be living. I've made a lot of mistakes this Fall, and I'm not proud of that, because I know the consequences have really effected me in a way I didn't think they would, and not just me, but some of my good friends too. Like Yamma. When I told Yamma, she was really disappointed in me. She was so upset, and she couldn't believe I would do something like that. I haven't talked to Yamma since then, and it's been about 2 or 3 weeks since I told her. I'm scared to try and call her again, because I don't know how she's going to react to me. She says this hasn't changed how she sees me, but I know it has. She told me that I had really let her down and really disappointed her. Those words were like a knife through my heart. I originally thought she would take it better than she did, but I was horribly wrong. My other friends, like Brittney, Hannah and Khrys, all took it very well, and actually Brittney told me that she was proud of me.

When Brittney told me that, I felt extremely confused. How is it that 3 of my friends could take it so well, but Yamma took it so hard? And why did no one else seem to be angry and disappointed in me, but Yamma was? It didn't make any sense to me, and it still doesn't.

Well, I suppose that's enough for right now. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, and I'm hoping that I'll feel less depressed so I can enjoy my time with my family. Until next time, Merry Christmas, everyone :-)

Someone Like You

Here's a song sung by one of my favorite Broadway stars, Lea Salonga. Enjoy "Someone Like You" from the musical 'Jekyll and Hyde'

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2kY92t3HwpM

Cat Playing "I Spy"

Another funny talking cat video :-)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ltcWcwnPfY&feature=channel

Kitty is very BAD mystic

HAHAHA!!! :-D this video is HILARIOUS!!! Nothing is funnier than talking cats, so I hope you enjoy this :-)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bTbAsmPOKo

Circus

So I took a quiz one time about what my theme song should be and I got this. Quite frankly I agree, hahaha, it's totally my song.

I am not a big fan of Britney Spears, but then again I suppose there are very few people who are these days. However, there are at least 2 songs of her's that I like, and this is one of them. Not a big fan of the music video but the song is good, so whatever. And I apologize in advance for the stupid advertisement at the beginning -___- 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVhJ_A8XUgc

Late Night Ponderings

I should be asleep right now, but since I woke up so late this morning, I'm not really tired, at least not yet. So I guess I'll take this time to continue updating people on my life as it is these days. I just finished my finals for the semester and am now on my Winter Break, which is both a blessing and a curse. The blessing is that I'll be able to catch up on some very much needed sleep, but the curse is that I probably won't see Travis much this break. He's going to be busy being dragged around by his friends from high school who want to hang out with him, so I most likely won't be seeing him much, which is the exact opposite of what I was hoping for during this break. And that means I'm going to be bored for most of the break, because my other friends will probably be busy with family things (especially as it gets closer to Christmas and New Years) and... well, let me just say that I'm getting this feeling that my friends aren't too happy with me these days. I'm not exactly sure why, but it feels like my friends are avoiding me a lot lately, or really, it feels like I've done something that has made them want to stay away from me.

Now, I could be jumping to conclusions, but I think maybe some of it is because I'm dating Travis. A couple of my friends have told me that they don't really like Travis, that he's not a good choice for me, but they don't know him like I do. They don't see the Travis that I see. And I know my friends are just trying to look out for me and that they don't want me to get hurt or anything, but I'm not going to stop dating him just because my friends don't like him. It's not that I don't value my friends opinion, I really do, but this is my decision and I'm not going to break up with him just because some of my friends don't like him. My sister did that, and I'm going to try my best to not make the same mistakes she did. However, I now know that I'm still going to make some of her mistakes because I already have, but who I date is my decision, not my friends.

So, next week is Christmas and I haven't done ANY of my shopping and I have NO IDEA what to get anyone, especially my parents and Travis. I know that the only thing my mom and dad want is for dad to get a job, but I can't get them that. And I know the kinds of things that Travis likes (heavy metal music and computer/video games especially) but that stuff is so expensive and I have no idea what albums or games he already has, and I don't want to get him something he already has. And for some reason, I just haven't been able to get into the Christmas spirit this year. Honestly, I've been feeling really depressed lately. Nothing seems to make me happy. Being with Travis makes me happy and so does hanging out with my friends, but I won't be seeing much of Travis until school starts again and I don't see my friends a lot these days either, which makes me more depressed. I just hope this will go away soon, because I don't want to worry my friends and parents; they've all got enough problems without having to worry about me.

On a lighter topic, tomorrow my Sunday School college class will be having our Christmas party, and I'm looking forward to it, because I'll be hanging out with my friends and I won't have to worry about homework or having to go to school tomorrow. And I've got to go see Dr. Miller tomorrow afternoon some time to get advising for next semester (yeah, he's not happy with me for waiting so long this semester to get advising, but whatever.) Anyway, I'm tired now, so I better go to bed. Got a long day ahead of me tomorrow. Night, everyone.

I Walk Beside You

Travis played on his guitar and sang this song for me about a month ago :-) it was one of the most sweetest and most romantic things that's ever happened to me, and I wanted to share this song with all of you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S42r7EQ0lmw

An Actual Blog Post (for those of you who care to read)

So yeah, I'm sure some of you are getting annoyed with my only posting songs and not my actual thoughts. I mean, that's what a blog's for, right? For you to post your thoughts, your feelings, maybe poems and stories, but not so much songs, but then again, who's to say what is right or wrong? Anyway, I guess I'll try and give you an update on my life as it has been lately.

School is almost over for the semester. I've got 4 more finals to go (got 3 done this week) and I must say, this has been both a hard semester, a terrible semester, a good semester and a fantastic semester, all at once, and for different reasons. Math has been very difficult, and I'm not sure if I'll pass the class; my final exam will determine whether or not I'll have to take it again in the Spring. Ear Training has been challenging, but I've also learned a lot and I think it's good that I've been challenged by it, because I have grown a lot and become a better musician because of it. Ballet has had it's ups and downs; I don't like any of my classmates, with the exception of 4 girls who aren't completely full of themselves, but I have also grown a lot because of this class and I've learned a lot. I've become more confident in myself and in my ability to dance. My private voice lesson has been, as always, fun and challenging as well. Mr. Sloat always encourages me, but he also pushes me to become the best singer I can be. And last but not least, Chamber Singers. Oh my goodness, what fun I've had this semester! Yes, the music has been difficult at some points, but I've made so many new friends this semester because of choir that it makes me very glad I didn't go away to a big university after I graduated, because if I had, I wouldn't have met these amazing, awesome people.

And, of course, the love life. Well, it's been... different, to say the least, and when I say different, I mean different from the last relationship I was in. No, I'm not going to dig up the past and point fingers and start ranting and raving about what happened with Mark, that's not what I want to do. That chapter of my life is over, and I'm enjoying every minute of this new chapter. Yes, it's had it's hard moments, and at some times it hasn't been easy and it's made me question this decision of dating Travis. But I don't regret this choice, and I don't ever want to regret making it, even when this is over, which is going to happen, there's no doubt about that. The reason I say this is because it's true. The fact is, I'm going to be going away to another school, either next fall or the year after that, but the fact still stands. I'm not going to be here, in Kingwood, forever. And Travis and I both knew that when we decided to start this relationship, but we decided that we would take this chance and go for it anyway, even though we know it won't last.

It hurts to think about that, it hurts a lot. But I've decided something. I'm not going to worry about having a permanent relationship, not now, and not for a while probably. Right now, all I want is to have fun and to enjoy the happiness of being in relationships, even if they won't ever end in something like marriage. I'm not going to worry about marriage, not now. Not while I'm so young and have so many other things I want to do before thinking about settling down. And, for the time being, I'm going to try not to think about when my relationship with Travis is going to end. I don't want to think about that, at least, not for a while. Yes, it's going to happen, and I've accepted that, so I don't want to worry about it now. For now, I just want to enjoy being with him and enjoy his company.

Anyway, I think that's enough for today. I'm going to the Joyful Sound Christmas concert tonight, and quite possibly I'm going to be dragging Nathan and Travis with me :-) it's going to be a fun night. Well, until next time, peace out!

Tell Him

Continuing "My Life in Music" here's another song. This is one of my favorite Celine Dion songs, and another reason it's my favorite is because it's a duet with Celine Dion and my other favorite singer, Barbra Streisand. enjoy "Tell Him"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yjmb1P_5ey8

Since U Been Gone

Gotta love Kelly Clarkson :) and here's one of my favorite songs by her, and it also describes how I feel about my life right now. enjoy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7UrFYvl5TE

Blow, Blow, Thou Winter Wind (Chamber Singers)

Hey, everyone! Here's a video of my college choir singing a song from our Christmas concert. It's called, "Blow, Blow, Thou Winter Wind" from William Shakespeare's, 'As you like it'. enjoy :-)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xb5e610QEo0

Sorry, the video started a little late, so it missed a few words and stuff in the beginning.

I Know Him So Well

Chapter 2 in "My Life in Music" here's another song from another musical that I have yet to see, but I love this song. Anyway, enjoy.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bnjG1kUQtno

On My Own

Okay, so here's the thing. Life for me lately has been... interesting, to say the least, and all of my thoughts are a jumbled mess these days, so instead of writing everything out, I'm going to be posting songs that express my feelings and thoughts, at least for a while, until I can get my thoughts (and my life) back together again. so, for the mean time, enjoy the music :-)

This first one is from the musical "Les Miserables" I haven't seen the show yet, but I've heard this song before, and I love it. So, enjoy.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ci6kaJ8FNa4

Once Upon A Broken Heart

Here's a song that I've been playing a lot lately :) hope you enjoy the lyrics!

"Once Upon A Broken Heart"

Verse 1:

Once upon a broken heart, I was walking alone in the dark,

Looking for a way to start again.

What I wouldn't give for a friend.

There was no love in my life,

There was no light in my eyes.

All the tears that I had cried and cried seemed like they'd never end.

Chorus:

And I never believed fairy tales came true,

But now I know that they really do.

Now that I found you, now that I'm here with you,

Just look at the sunshine and you

Showed me a world I'd never seen,

I woke up and fell into this dream.

Happily ever after just took time,

Once upon this broken heart of mine.

Verse 2:

Long ago and far away, I could never dream of the day

That your love would come my way and stay and sweep me away.

Chorus:

And I never believed fairy tales came true,

But now I know that they really do.

Now that I found you, now that I'm here with you,

Just look at the sunshine and you

Showed me a world I'd never seen,

I woke up and fell into this dream.

Happily ever after just took time,

Once upon this broken heart of mine.

Verse 3:

This is the way a fairy tale feels,

This is the way I know it's real, 'cause this is the way a broken heart heals.

Chorus:

And I never believed fairy tales came true,

But now I know that they really do.

Now that I found you, now that I'm here with you,

Just look at the sunshine and you

Showed me a world I'd never seen,

I woke up and fell into this dream.

Happily ever after just took time,

Once upon this broken heart of mine.

Don't Stop Believeing :)

So it's been a long time since my last post, and A LOT has happened since my last update. For starters, I'm currently in a relationship. Yep, you read that right, folks! I am in a relationship with this wonderful guy named Travis :) He is 18, a Freshman here at LSC - Kingwood and he is a Music Major. Now, don't start lecturing me about how I'm "robbing the cradle" because for one thing, he started this, not me hahaha, and second of all, I really like him, so I don't care about the age difference. Yes, I'll admit it felt strange at first, but I quickly got over that. He's very sweet, thoughtful, romantic (cheesy sometimes, yes, but nevertheless romantic) he's smart, funny, and most importantly he really cares about me. He wants me to be happy, and he's protective of me and doesn't want me to get hurt by anyone. Also, his family is very nice and they seem to really like me. He has an older brother and he has 3 cats (he's a cat person) and his parents are nice too. My mom and grandma are still a little unsure about whether or not our relationship will last, but my dad seems to like him enough and the few of my friends that I been able to introduce him to say they like him and that we're perfect for each other.

And what's great about our relationship is that we were friends first. From what I have experienced in my own life and from what I have heard from other couples, being friends first is the best way to begin any relationship, especially if you are wanting the relationship to become long-term or better, make it all the way to marriage. I'm trying not to think too much about marriage right now; last time I did that, it didn't end well, and I'm much more cautious now about how much of my heart I give to someone. But I will say this, that if Travis and I did end up going all the way, I honestly think that we could be very happy together.

But enough about that stuff, hahaha, right now I'm just happy to be with someone who cares so much for me and who really treats me well and respects me. The only problem I can see is that his friend, who is also a Freshman at Kingwood, also really likes me. In fact, he told me that if Travis hasn't asked me out first, he would have. He's a nice guy too, not going to lie, but... I like being with Travis :) He makes me so happy. And Saturday, he did the most romantic thing I have ever seen in my life. It was even better than the stuff you see in movies, because this was REAL: he sang a played a song for me on his guitar and sang to me, twice! Can you say "cheesy but totally romantic"? It was so wonderful, one of the most special things a guy has ever done for me. You know what? I think I'll keep him, hahaha :)

As for the rest of my life, in general it hasn't been so bad. School is really starting to get to me, and I'm not doing so well in Ear Training. At this point am just very frustrated that I don't seem to be getting anything! Nothing seems to be clicking anymore! And Diction is becoming a pain. We finished German diction and now we're on to French, and it's so freaking HARD!!! >_< I hate French! And I haven't even memorized my French piece for my voice lesson yet and we have to sing our French pieces from memory for our final exam in Diction, which will be soon. It's now so close to the end of the semester and of course it's going to be getting even crazier just because of that, so my life is about to get even more hectic, and it will be hard trying to find time to balance my time with with studying, friends and Travis, and on top of everything else I'm going to be auditioning for another show at the Nathaniel Center in January, so... yeah, life is about to get even crazier, but I suppose that's better than being super bored.

Well, that's about it for now. Hopefully I'll be more consistent in posting updates (that's not the only thing I need to be more consistent in, but that's a different story altogether) Anyway, it's late and I need to go to bed. Until next time, good night, peeps! :)

The Wandering Mind

Okay, so... yeah, something interesting happened to me tonight. I haven't posted any thing in a while (mostly because I've been too busy to have time to actually sit down and type anything) but also because my life has been really crazy and hectic lately. But someone (I honestly have no idea who this person is, but apparently they read my blog) and this person sent me a text tonight telling me that now is the time to write a new blog post. It kind of has me freaked out a little, because I don't know who this person is and they refused to identify themselves, but I decided that it would be in my best interest if I wrote this post. So, whoever you are, I hope you enjoy this post. Aside from that, I can tell you that it's amazing how a lot can happen in just two weeks. I've had a lot of things happen to me, and I've also discovered a lot of things about myself.

I've discovered that it IS possible for a guy to like me. Yes, I know, shocking right? But it's true. There is this guy who REALLY likes me, and yes, we've been on 3 dates already... and this is where things start to get complicated. I've also discovered that I'm not ready to date again. Not yet. I thought I was. When this guy first asked me out over a week ago, I thought to myself, "Sure, why not? I mean, what do I have to lose? Nothing. So, why not?" But I also had second thoughts. "I don't know if I'm ready to do this again... can I handle this? Am I ready?" And in answer to that question, the voice in my head told me, "Erin, if you're not ready now, you'll never be."

It's really kind of hard to describe how I came to the realization that I'm not ready to date again yet. I have been praying about this for the last 2 weeks, ever since I went on that first date with this guy, and I had been asking God to show me, tell me somehow, if this was the best thing for me right now. And He answered it. Loud and clear, to be exact. Lots of people think that God doesn't hear our prayers, that God doesn't answer prayers anymore. Well, I am hear to tell you today that is FAR FROM TRUE. God definitely answers prayer. Maybe not in the way we would want Him to, but He does.

I entitled this post "The Wandering Mind" for a reason, because that is that is exactly what my mind has been doing for the last 2 weeks. Wandering, aimlessly and often times into places I would prefer that it wouldn't go. I guess that's the price you pay when you think about things too much. I rarely have time for myself anymore; time to just relax and not worry about anything. And when I am by myself, my mind likes to think about things, and I really wish it wouldn't. Thinking about things has gotten me into a lot of trouble lately, and it seems that when I think about things, someone always ends up getting hurt by me. That is another thing I've discovered. I hurt people. Last night I told this guy that I can't pretend anymore. I can't pretend to be okay, when really I'm not. I can't pretend that I don't have any issues that I still need to deal with, when it's very obvious that I do. I can't pretend to have feelings someone new, when I clearly still have feelings for someone else. I can't pretend anymore. I'm tired of pretending. My whole life has been about pretending. When I was a kid, I loved to play Pretend. I could be anything or anyone I wanted to be, and the story always ended the way I wanted it to. Now, 20 years later, I'm still pretending.

This is going to sound very strange, and it may have me wind up in a mental institution, but... my life has never felt real. It has always felt like I was in a dream, like this was just a play going on, with me as the leading role and everyone else around me was the other characters. Sometimes I've wondered if my life is even real. If I am even real. It feels that way sometimes. And I came to that realization last night, which is what made me tell this guy that I couldn't go on pretending. It's scary to think now; is my life real? Is all of this even real? It scares me to death, because then that means... what does that mean?

I know that it was God who gave me this wake up call. It was definitely God, there is no arguing that. I asked Him to show me if this was what is best for me right now, and not only did He answer that question, He also showed me how far I've truly fallen into the black abyss that is known as Imagination and the power of Creative Thinking. Creativity and Imagination are two wonderful traits to have in any person, because they give us the ability to express ourselves through art, music, dance, acting, poetry, stories and the like. But they also have a dark side, because they can completely take over you and, quite frankly, possesses you. I am starting to see this very clearly.

Now, does this mean I am going to stop writing, acting, singing, dancing and enjoying being creative? Absolutely not. God gave me these gifts for a reason, to serve Him, and that's what I intend to do. But I'm going to have to be more careful from now on. Already several times today I have had to remind myself, "This is real, Erin. Your life is real. Everything that is happening around you is real. It's not all in your head. This isn't some fantasy world." Yes, I am well aware of how completely insane, crazy and irrational that sounds. But hey, human beings are the most irrational creatures on the planet. We love the people who hate us, we hate the people who love us, and most importantly, we keep doing the same things over and over again and expect a different result every time.

Sorry for all of that. I'm sure that everything I just typed doesn't make any sense whatsoever, or maybe it seems to be so far over the top that there's no way a person could actually experience these things, but I do. Which is why, I suppose, my life is always stressful. But, then again, my life may always be stressful, but it is NEVER boring. There's never a dull moment for me.

Well, I need to get to bed. I'm exhausted, and tomorrow is Monday, which means tomorrow will be a busy day. Good night, everyone! :-)

Stand In The Rain

You know what the hardest part about life is? Hurting other people, especially when they really care about you a lot. That's what's hard. And I can now say that I have experienced what it feels like to hurt someone so deeply to the point where you don't know if they will be able to go on with their life. I don't really wish to go into all of the details, especially right now (seeing is how it's 2:34 in the morning and I have to get up in a few hours) so I won't post anything today. But I will post these song lyrics, which I think fit perfectly with the situations I have been in lately. Enjoy the song "Stand In The Rain" by Superchick.

Stand In The Rain

Verse 1:

She never slows down.

She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone,

Feels like it's all coming down.

She won't turn around.

The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear,

The tears will not stop raining down.

Chorus:

So stand in the rain, stand your ground.

Stand up when it's all crashing down.

Stand through the pain, you won't drown.

And one day what's lost can be found,

So stand in the rain.

Verse 2:

She won't make a sound.

Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands, she'll fall down.

She wants to be found.

The only way out is through everything she's running from,

Wants to give up and lie down.

Chorus:

So stand in the rain, stand your ground.

Stand up when it's all crashing down.

Stand through the pain, you won't drown.

And one day what's lost can be found,

So stand in the rain.

So stand in the rain, stand your ground.

Stand up when it's all crashing down.

Stand through the pain, you won't drown.

And one day what's lost can be found,

So stand in the rain.

Chorus: 

So stand in the rain, stand your ground.

Stand up when it's all crashing down.

Stand through the pain, you won't drown.

And one day what's lost can be found,

You stand in the rain.

Slipped Away

Another song by Avril Lavigne. enjoy.

Slipped Away

Verse 1:

I miss you, miss you so bad.

I don't forget you, oh it's so sad.

I hope you can hear me, I remember it clearly.

Chorus:

The day you slipped away,

Was the day I found it won't be the same, oh.

Verse 2:

I didn't get around to kiss you good-bye on the hand.

I wish that I could see you again, I know that I can't, oh.

I hope you can hear me, 'cause I remember it clearly.

Chorus:

The day you slipped away,

Was the day I found it won't be the same, oh.

Verse 3:

I've had my wake up, won't you wake up?

I keep asking why.

And I can't take it, it wasn't fake, it happened, you passed by.

Now you're gone, now you're gone. 

There you go, there you go somewhere, I can't bring you back. 

Now you're gone, now you're gone. 

There you go, there you go somewhere, you're not coming back.

Chorus:

The day you slipped away,

Was the day I found it won't be the same, no.

The day you slipped away,

Was the day I found it won't be the same, oh. 

I miss you.

Nobody's Home

Here's another Avril Lavigne song

Nobody's Home

Verse 1:

I couldn't tell you why she felt that way, she felt it every day.

I couldn't help her, I just watched her make the same mistakes again.

What's wrong, what's wrong now?

Too many, too many problems.

Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.

Chorus:

She wants to go home, but nobody's home.

It's where she lies, broken inside.

There's no place to go, no place to go,

To dry her eyes,

Broken inside.

Verse 2:

Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why

You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you've left behind.

Be strong, be strong now.

Too many, too many problems.

Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.

Chorus:

She wants to go home, but nobody's home.

It's where she lies, broken inside.

There's no place to go, no place to go,

To dry her eyes,

Broken inside.

Verse 3:

Her feelings she hides, her dreams she can't find.

She losing her mind, she's fallen behind.

She can't find her place, she's losing her faith.

She's fallen from grace, she's all over the place, yeah.

Chorus:

She wants to go home, but nobody's home.

It's where she lies, broken inside.

There's no place to go, no place to go,

To dry her eyes,

Broken inside.

She's lost inside, lost inside, oh oh.

She's lost inside, lost inside, oh oh, oh.

The Pursuit of Happiness

My life in one word: chaos. But it's not exactly bad chaos, if that makes any sense. It's just... crazy, insane, hectic, and at times very random. Lately I've been losing things (like my mind, but that's a different story.) I almost had a heart attack yesterday morning when I realized I couldn't find my 24 Italian Songs and Arias book that I use for my voice lesson, but I knew it could only be in one other place; at the church. So I went today to choir practice and guess where it was? Yep, in the choir room, sitting on the piano hahaha :-P And I lost my favorite jacket a few days ago, and my friend Kayse found it outside near the school (how it got there, I have NO idea, but I'm happy to have it back.) Also, school is KILLING ME. I realize I say that a lot, but now it's October, and it's getting down to the wire. I still don't have any of my voice lesson songs memorized, and I have to have my German piece memorized by next Wednesday because we're having our sung German Diction test that day, so I'm kind of freaking out. And with Ear Training class, I've come to the point where I really feel like just quitting music and doing drama. Ear Training is SUPER HARD for me, and I suck at rhythm (yes, I am rhythmically challenged. Hey, I'm a vocalist, not an instrumentalist.) Of course, Math is hard, as always, that goes without saying. And Ballet has been REALLY challenging and difficult for me lately. We are learning a lot of new material really fast, and it's getting to be very overwhelming.

As for the spiritual life, it's gotten a lot better. I've really been having to draw close to God lately, just to get through the day, and especially to get through the nights. I'm still struggling with a lot of questions that I have, and I'm still trying to settle a lot of issues but it's getting better.

And as for life in general? It's funny... not long ago, I felt like the whole world had ended; I was depressed, sad, angry, bitter, confused, hurting and unable to even think about my life without him by my side. But now... it's not like that anymore. I mean, don't get me wrong, there's not a single day that goes by without me thinking about him, remembering the days that seem like only yesterday where I had never been happier in my life, and still hoping that maybe, just maybe... But God is so faithful and amazing. He's brought some really great new friends into my life, and even though they are completely insane, psychotic, bizarre, random and just plain weird, they are amazing.

I'm sure some of you are wondering if there's any new "prospects" that I have in mind these days. And the answer to that question is, no. There's no guy right now that I am really interested in. Yes, I did have a guy ask me out, and he's really nice and all; we get along great and we're good friends but I told him I would REALLY have to think about it, and he understood. There are still some questions I am trying to answer, and yes, I still have feelings for Mark, let me just put that out there. But I'm trying to put those feelings on hold and/or completely behind me (like I said, I still have some hope, so it's hard to think of getting rid of those feelings completely) but other than that, I am learning to move on. For me, moving on as been about having fun with my friends, checking out cute guys, being involved in church, and attempting to keep myself from drowning in my piles of homework. Basically, I'm doing what any other single girl my age would do; trying to live life without a special Someone by her side. Which is hard, you know? It's lonely. And the memories are so wonderful that it sometimes hurts to think about what I had just a few months ago.

But I am trying to walk in this promise God has given me:

Jeremiah 29:11-13 -

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart." 

 

This verse has been on my mind a lot lately, and I am trying to learn to just let God take the wheel and do what He wants with me. I am wanting to grow closer to Him, because honestly, I need Him now more than I ever have before. I'm starting to see that there are some guys interested in me, and that's kind of unnerving, mostly because for my whole life I never thought guys could/would like me, and that I was destined to become a Crazy Cat lady, but now... now I'm not so sure. I've told two people recently that I'm trying to find out the truth about myself, because if everything I've ever believed about myself is a lie, then I need to... no, I HAVE to know the truth, and if God is truth, then He will have the answers. 

Well, I'm now officially excited for the weekend. My friend Brittney just text me, asking if we can go Halloween costume shopping on Saturday, and she's going to spend the night and we're going to try to get some friends together to go the new Cracker Barrel restaurant that just opened in Kingwood about a week ago. See, what did I tell you? I'm so busy these days, and it's awesome! Man, I love college hahaha :-P well, I need to get to bed. Tomorrow's another busy day. Good night, everyone! 

What Kind of Fool Am I?

This is a really good song that I found on my "Broadway: The American Musical" CD collection. It's from a show called 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off'

Verse 1:

What kind of fool am I, who never fell in love?

It seems that I'm the only one that I have been thinking of.

What kind of man is this, an empty shell?

A lonely cell in which an empty heart must dwell.

What kind of clown am I, what do I know of life?

Why can't I cast away this mask of play, and live my life?

Why can't I fall in love, like any other man?

And maybe then I'll know what kind of fool I am!

Verse 2:

What kind of lips are these, that lied with every kiss?

That whispered empty words of love that left me alone like this?

What kind of eyes are these that could not see

What could be seen by everybody else but me?

What kind of clown am I?

What do I know of life?

Why can't I cast away this mask of play and live my life?

Why can't I fall in love, till I don't give a d***?

And maybe then I'll know the kind of fool I am!

God and Singleness

I was reading my devotional tonight (something that I have NOT been doing regularly, but that I am trying to get back in to doing on a daily basis) and I'm just going to say this. God is amazing, okay? If you haven't experienced His amazing-ness, you are missing out and when you do experience it, it will BLOW YOUR MIND. In my devotional tonight it was based on the verses Hebrews 13:5 and Romans 8:31-39. The devotional talks about singleness, and the painful loneliness that comes with it. Lately, I've REALLY been suffering from the loneliness aspect of being single, and yes, I know it's only been... what, two months, almost three since the break up, but the loneliness is really starting to get to me. That was always the problem when I was single before; the loneliness of it all, it killed me, and now it's back with a vengeance. So it shocked me when I opened this devotional tonight and it was, of course, talking about the loneliness. I sat there for a second and thought, "Wow... God, You never cease to amaze me... You're talking directly to me, aren't You?"

This is what it said toward the end of the devotional:

"Singleness can sometimes mean loneliness at work, at church, at home. If you're single, know that the Lord God sees you and loves you. He has a plan for your life that only you can fulfill. He wants you to seek Him first. Scripture refers to God as our husband and to Jesus as the bridegroom. Pray about what that could mean to you."

At first when I read this, I was irritated and furious; other people have told me this EXACT same thing, and it annoys the crap out of me! What REALLY annoys me is when the people that tell me this are either married already or are dating someone. I always just want to take the person that says that to me by the shoulders, shake them and scream, "THAT'S EASY FOR YOU TO SAY, YOU'RE NOT ME! YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE ME!" Because it's true; those people aren't me. They don't know what it's like to be me. They don't have to be me, to live with my problems and my mind and thoughts... they have NO IDEA what it's like to be twenty years old, a Sophomore in college and be single. That's just... hard, for me. I know that all probably doesn't make any sense, but it's true. It's almost to the point of being humiliating; I'm twenty, for Pete's sake, and yet I'm single! Shouldn't most people my age either have a boyfriend or girlfriend or be dating someone? What's wrong with this picture? Or perhaps, the question should really be... what's wrong with me?

I've always wanted to know the answer to that question, and yet no one will ever give me an answer. That, or they'll say, "There's nothing wrong with you" and I think to myself, "Really... then why the hell do I do nothing but scare guys away?" Because that's really all I do; I scare guys away. I don't know why, I just do. Apparently I'm really intimidating, for whatever reason. My other question is this: if God really loves me, and wants me to be happy and live a fulfilling life... WHY THE HELL AM I STILL SINGLE?!?!? Sorry for the language in this post, but it's true! I don't understand how God can do this to me... especially since He knows how much pain I'm going through, how much it kills me to see other people with their "special someone" and I'm left out in the cold, alone.

After I read the devotional, it started to sink in a little, and it made me less angry. I'm still questioning how God can do this to me, but I do kind of understand a little now maybe why He's doing this. It was right there in the devotional: Seek Him first. That's hard. I remember how in 2009, right after I'd graduated from high school, I went on my very first date with this guy that I met at a friend's party. I was on Cloud 9; a guy was actually interested in me for once! I was so happy... but then, we only wound up going out on two dates, and after that he never spoke to me again. That completely devastated me, and I started to ask myself that question, "What is wrong with me?" That question continued to burn in my mind, and throughout my entire first semester of college I remember how many times I cried and begged God to take away my pain; to give me someone to make me happy. Then I started to get a MAJOR crush on this other guy (a.k.a Mark) and I remember all the times I would cry, beg and plead with God to TAKE AWAY my feelings for him.

I bet some of you are wondering right now, "What the heck? That doesn't make any sense. Why would you want God to take away your feelings for someone?" Because I didn't want to get hurt again. I didn't want to have my heart broken when I found out that he liked someone else, that he wasn't interested in me. I already figured that I didn't have a chance with him anyway, so I didn't want to continue to hope and wish for something that wasn't going to come true. Then, one day I woke up... and I felt so free. I couldn't explain it, but I suppose that it was from the result of battling and arguing with God for almost over a year about me being single, and that day when I woke up, I felt so totally free that I knew what to do. I remember telling God, "You know what? I think I'm gonna be okay with this whole "being single" thing. I think I can actually handle this, as long as You're with me. Bring it on, God!" That was my moment of surrender. I had finally come to accept my singleness and was prepared to take on the world. However, that very night my entire world got rocked when someone told me something I never thought I would ever hear...

So... maybe I just have to get back to that state again, the state of being completely and totally content with being single and then maybe the pain will go away. It went away the first time, maybe this time it will be the same. Because, in all honesty, that's what I want the most right now: I want this excruciating pain to just go away and never come back. It's going to take time, of course. That's the part that sucks is that I know it's going to take time. A LOT of time. But if in the end it gets rid of all this pain, then it will be worth it.

Well, it's late and I need to get to bed. Got school in the morning, and I'm gonna be out late tomorrow night. My friend is celebrating her 22nd birthday and it's from 7 till... who knows when? Hahaha :-P Anyway, good night, peeps!

My Happy Ending

Here's a song by Avril Lavigne

music video - My Happy Ending

Verse 1:

Let's talk this over, it's not like we're dead.

Was it something I did?

Was it something you said?

Don't leave me hangin' in a city so dead.

Held up so high on such a breakable thread.

You were all the things I thought I knew,

And I thought we could be.

Chorus:

You were everything, everything that I wanted.

We were meant to be, suppose to be, but we lost it.

All of the memories so close to me just fade away.

All this time you were pretending,

So much for my happy ending.

So much for my happy ending.

Verse 2:

You've got your dumb friends, I know what they say. 

They tell you I'm difficult, but so are they.

But they don't know me, do they even know you? 

All the things you hide from me, all the s*** that you do.

You were all the things I thought I knew,

And I thought we could be.

Chorus:

You were everything, everything that I wanted.

We were meant to be, suppose to be, but we lost it.

All of the memories so close to me just fade away.

All this time you were pretending,

So much for my happy ending.

Verse 3:

It's nice to know that you were there, 

Thanks for acting like you cared,

And making me feel like I was the only one.

It's nice to know we had it all,

Thanks for watching as I fall,

And letting me know we were done.

Chorus: 

He was everything, everything that I wanted.

We were meant to be, suppose to be, but we lost it.

All of the memories so close to me just fade away.

All this time you were pretending,

So much for my happy ending.

Chorus:

You were everything, everything that I wanted.

We were meant to be, suppose to be, but we lost it.

All of the memories so close to me just fade away.

All this time you were pretending,

So much for my happy ending.

So much for my happy ending.

So much for my happy ending.

Solitude and God

You know people will tell you that being alone isn't the way to cure loneliness? Because when you isolate yourself from everyone that loves you, you start to sink further and further into that black abyss, this I know is very true. But... what if what you really, truly need is to just be alone? What if that is the cure for loneliness? I'm starting to wonder. Tonight after the Creative Arts Ministry Bible study I wanted to walk around outside the church. The night was beautiful; cool, crisp and the wind had the delectable smell of Autumn. So I walked around, just letting my thoughts wander... unfortunately, they started to go in a direction that I've been trying to avoid since the break up. Memories began flooding back to me; everywhere I went, there was something that reminded me of a memory of him and I together. After a while, I sat myself down on a bench, and began talking to God. The next thing I knew, I was sobbing, crying my heart out to the One who has been with me through this whole thing. When I finally got up to leave, I looked at my phone. I had been sitting there for about an hour, just talking (mostly rambling) to God.

You see, one of the great things about God is that you can do that. You can ramble all you want to Him and He won't care if you're not making a lick of sense, because He already knows everything you're trying to say/wanting to say. And you don't have to worry about sounding stupid to Him, because He already knows what you're thinking. That's one of the amazing things about talking to God. And the thing is, I've had A LOT on my mind lately, and not just school related things. I'm so... confused now. I don't know what to believe anymore, and I'm scared. I'm literally living in fear. I am like a little girl that is stuck inside a grown woman's body, and I don't know how to handle this scary, confusing world and I don't know what to believe, what is really true. Everyone keeps telling me different things on how to get back on with living my life, but none of it is consistent. One person tells me one thing, and someone else tells me another thing. I don't know what to believe, I don't know what is true, and I don't know who to listen to.

My friends all mean well, they really do, but now I'm so turned around I don't know which way is up. Some people tell me to keep hoping; don't give up, maybe it will work out someday. Just give it time. And other people tell me to give up hoping; stop thinking that way, because it's never going to happen. You're just fooling yourself. The thing is, I want to keep hoping, but I also know that by giving up hope I'll maybe have a chance to really start to move on and truly let go of this dream that is obviously never going to come true, because all it's doing is killing me. But... there's something inside of me that doesn't want to give up hoping, even though all it does it bring me pain.

Well I should probably go to bed. I've got a long day tomorrow (singing in a recital and also got an exam in Theory... blah, I hate Mondays) good night, everyone.

Transfers, College, Life and Letting Go

My life just continues to get more interesting by the day. I just talked on the phone to Dr. Hodges from ETBU (East Texas Baptist University) and set up an audition date for November 12. I must say, I'm pretty excited :-) even though ETBU isn't my number one choice to transfer to (my number one choice is AMDA, the American Musical and Dramatic Academy, but that's all the way in NYC, so yeah, that's not gonna happen) it's still a really good school; a somewhat small but absolutely beautiful campus, and the teachers seem really friendly. The dorms are nice (my parents and I went to visit the campus in the Spring, so I've been there, but I haven't talked to any of the music or drama faculty) so this trip will be good. I'll get to talk to the teachers and start making some connections. The next thing I'm excited about is I'm going to go visit SHSU (Sam Houston State University) on November 20, which makes me REALLY excited, since Sam is one of the few colleges that offers a Musical Theater degree, which is what I really want to do :-)

As for my life at LSC Kingwood, it's been a rough semester. I haven't memorized/worked on ANY of my new pieces (yes, I know, shame on me) and my math class is KILLING me (even though this is just a remedial class and it doesn't really matter if I get an A in this class or not, I REALLY don't want to fail it either because then I'll just have to take it again -__-* grrrrr math is evil.) Ballet is, surprisingly, going very well for me. I mean, yeah, it's not easy since I'm not naturally a dancer, but I'm improving a lot, at least I think so. And what's also great is that I'm starting to feel somewhat graceful when I dance, not awkward or uncomfortable or anything... and I feel beautiful :-) it's an amazing feeling to be learning a new technique, look at myself in the wall-length mirror and actually look and feel beautiful. My other classes, like Ear Training/Sight Singing, Piano and Theory are going pretty good. I'm learning more things in all of those classes which are helping to make me into a better musician and a better performer.

As for my life in general? Not too bad, can't really complain. I'm still going through a lot, and part of me doesn't really want to post any of that on here because it's personal and I feel like I've already talked enough about the emotional roller-coaster I've been riding lately in my past blogs, so I'm reluctant to post anything too personal right now. All I will say is that I'm doing better. I'm not great, I'm not fantastic and I'm not super, but I'm okay... no, I'm not even okay, I'm just... fine. It's hard to describe where I'm at emotionally right now, because to be honest, I'm not sure if I'm really in touch with my emotions at this point. I mean, I'm so busy these days that I don't really have time to stop and take a good look at my mental and emotional state... but a few nights ago, something weird happened. I was coming out of the Nathaniel Center after JBG rehearsal. I was walking to my car when I looked up at the sky. The sun was setting, and I noticed how beautiful it was... but I also noticed that I there was this pain creeping into my chest. I stood there, watching the sunset and wishing I had someone there to watch it with me. I felt lonely. That was the pain I was feeling.

Last night I hung out with Nick, Kayse and Jackie. Nick had just gotten off of work and wanted me to take him home real quick to change out of his uniform. I drove him to his house, and while I waited outside in the car, I looked up. It was a beautiful night; a cool evening with a breeze, and the stars were out. I sat there, watching them, and that pain came back. I was fine once Nick and I got back to Sonic to meet with Jackie and Kayse, but I know that's only because I got distracted and wasn't able to think about the loneliness. I'm sure that with time this feeling will pass, in fact, I'm certain of it. I've always envied women who are able to be happy without having a man in their life, and that's the kind of woman I want to be. Because, and you've heard me say this before, I probably won't have a man in my life. I realize that that may be a very negative mind-set, but it's called facing reality, and I need to wake up and accept the truth.

Today I was talking to one of my best friends, Khrys. I told her about how I still have this little hope in me that maybe, just maybe, someday Mark and I will get back together again. You know what she told me? Basically she told me to stop doing this to myself; stop trying to think that way, because if Mark and I are going to be friends again, I can't think that way anymore or our friendship will end in disaster. And she's right (she usually is when it comes to stuff like this) I have to stop thinking about that. I have to stop hoping. Besides, it won't happen anyway. We're both going in totally different directions in life, we both want totally different things, and I probably won't even be around by next year if I manage to transfer to where I decide to go. And maybe by letting go of this hope I'll finally be able to really move on. I guess we'll see in time. It seems easy enough... but then again, isn't that how a lot of things in life are? They seem simple; get good grades, go to a good school, get a good job, make time for your friends and family, but it's never as easy as everyone tells you it is. I'm starting to figure that out for myself.

Well, I better end this here. It's already 3:30 and I'm still in my pjs (I didn't wake up this morning until 10:30 and then I watched "The Vampire's Assistant" for the rest of the morning) and I have homework to do. So... until next time :-) later, peeps!

Holding Out For A Hero

Love this song :-)

Holding Out For A Hero

Verse 1:

Where have all the good men gone, and where are all the gods?

Where's the street-wise Hercules to fight the rising odds?

Isn't there a White Knight upon a fiery steed?

Late at night I toss and turn and dream of what I need.

Chorus:

I need a hero!

I'm holding out for a hero till the end of the night.

He's gotta be strong, and he's gotta be fast and he's gotta be fresh from the fight.

I need a hero!

I'm holding out for a hero till the morning light.

He's gotta be sure, and it's gotta be soon and he's gotta be larger than life,

Larger than life.

Verse 2:

Somewhere after midnight in my wildest fantasy.

Somewhere just beyond my reach, there's someone reaching back for me.

Racing on the thunder, rising with the heat.

It's gonna take a Superman to sweep me off my feet.

Chorus: 

I need a hero!

I'm holding out for a hero till the end of the night.

He's gotta be strong, and he's gotta be fast and he's gotta be fresh from the fight.

I need a hero!

I'm holding out for a hero till the morning light.

He's gotta be sure, and it's gotta be soon and he's gotta be larger than life,

Larger than life.

Verse 3:

Out where the mountains meet the heavens above,

Out where the lighting splits the sea,

I would swear that there's someone, somewhere watching me.

Through the wind and the chill and the rain, 

And the storm and the flood

I can feel his approach like fire in my blood.

Chorus: 

I need a hero!

I'm holding out for a hero till the end of the night.

He's gotta be strong, and he's gotta be fast and he's gotta be fresh from the fight.

I need a hero!

I'm holding out for a hero till the morning light.

He's gotta be sure, and it's gotta be soon and he's gotta be larger than life.

I need a hero!

I'm holding out for a hero till the end of the night.

He's gotta be strong, and he's gotta be fast and he's gotta be fresh from the fight.

I need a hero!

I'm holding out for a hero till the morning light.

He's gotta be sure, and it's gotta be soon and he's gotta be larger than life,

Larger than life. 

Put On A Happy Face :-)

It's amazing how your life can make a complete 360 degree turn around in just a few days. The weekend just flew by so fast I can hardly believe that Monday is now over and that tomorrow is Tuesday... so crazy! Anyway, I'm doing A LOT better, like you have NO IDEA. For starters, Mark and I are talking again. He called me for the second time on Wednesday night, and talked for a long time, and now we're also starting to talk face-to-face at church now, which is nice although kind of awkward, although I suppose that's understandable. And to be honest, it's really nice to talk to him again :-) I have to admit, I miss him, and I don't just mean that I miss dating him. I miss hanging out with him, I miss talking to him... I guess what I miss the most is our friendship. All in all, things are definitely a lot better than how it was about a week ago, and that's tremendous progress for me. On Saturday I hung out with some of my friends from the college group at church, and Mark decided to come at the last minute. I was very proud and impressed with myself; I didn't try to ignore or avoid talking to him, and I could actually look him in the eye without feeling too much sadness... I say that because, deep down, there's still that sadness. I've accepted the fact that this hurt isn't going to go away completely overnight. It's going to take time, and I think everyone understands that. But at least I'm making progress, which is something I've desperately been needing.

As for the spiritual life it's better... not the best, nor is it how I really want it to be, but it's so much better now than it has been lately. I'm learning to trust God in every thing I do lately, whether it's having to sing for Master Class and I'm freaking out because I'm afraid I won't remember my words, or whether it's about trusting God that EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON, that He is going to bring me through this and that He just may have something better planned for me. Trust is something I've lacked a lot of in my relationship with God, because I like to know everything that's going on, and if I don't know what is happening then I start freaking out and getting anxious. But God has really shown me lately that if I'll just trust Him He'll help me and guide me. Strange how sometimes it's takes being at your very lowest point in life to really start to see God and to want to know Him more and be closer to Him... because, in all honestly, when you're at your lowest point, there's no one else you can go to except for God, and He'll always be there, ready to pull you back up onto your feet and whisper in your ear, "Try again... I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere." 

School is still driving me crazy. I have to perform for a recital on October 4 because, as a returning student, I should already have at least one song memorized for this semester (we are given 5 pieces of music to memorize during the semester) at least, that's what my voice teacher has been telling me. SO. I have to decide what song I'm going to sing and let me voice teacher know by tomorrow morning at my voice lesson, and I'm still undecided as to what to do! He told me I could do a piece that I had done in the Spring, so I may do that, just because I haven't memorized any of my new pieces yet (I'm ashamed to say this, but... I haven't memorized or learned any of my new pieces yet o_o) So there's that, and I've got my first test in Ballet tomorrow O_O I'm freaking out, because I don't really remember some of the terms for some of the barre moves, so I'm just gonna have to pray and really concentrate on what I'm doing tomorrow. And I also am still doing 'Johnny Be Good!' and that opens in about a month O_O We only have about four more weeks left of rehearsals, and some of our cast isn't doing a good job with memorizing lines or anything. The director, Ms. Janice, is REALLY stressing, and I don't blame her. This is her show (she's a Christian fiction author and she wrote the script for 'Johnny Be Good!' so this is like her child.) I had no idea being a stage manager would be so stressful (sigh) oh well, this will be good experience for me.

Speaking of drama, I'm also currently in a skit that my church's drama group is going. We're going to show it on Sunday after the sermon, and I'm REALLY excited for this for a number of reasons:

1. This is one of my first really serious dramatic roles. Even though it's not a full-fledged drama, it's still a really serious skit and my part is definitely not something I'm used to doing (I'm used to being in happy, sunny, funny musicals, and the only other serious drama I did was 'The Diary of Anne Frank' in which I played the part of Miep Gies. If you don't know who she is, or don't remember her, I suggest you go look her up on Wikipedia.)

and

2. This is such a powerful drama. It's got a message that will really speak to a lot of people, especially parents of college aged kids, like myself, or kids who have already graduated and are now living on their own. I don't want to give away too much, just in case anyone from church is reading this, but this is one Sunday you will NOT want to miss, so come see it! :-)

There's been one song that has really been playing on my MP3 player lately, and it's "Put On A Happy Face" from 'Bye, Bye, Birdie!' and it's sung by Dick van Dyke. You should find it on Youtube, it's really cheerful and peppy :-) Here are the lyrics:

Gray skies are gonna clear up, put on a happy face.

Brush off the clouds and cheer up, put on a happy face.

Take off the gloomy mask of tragedy, it's not your style.

You'll look so good that you'll be glad you decided to smile.

Pick out a pleasant outlook, stick out that noble chin.

Wipe off that full-of-doubt look, slap on a happy grin.

And spread sunshine all over the place, just put on a happy face.

Put on a happy face.

Put on a happy face.

And if you're feeling cross and bicker-ish, don't sit and whine.

Think of banana splits and licorice, and you'll feel fine.

I knew a girl so gloomy, she'd never laugh or sing.

She wouldn't listen to me, now she's a mean ol' thing.

So spread sunshine all over the place, just put on a happy face.

Well, it's late, and I have to get up semi-early in the morning. I have a paper due on Thursday for Ballet, and I've only written one sentence so far, so... yeah, I need to get up and start that tomorrow morning. Funny... I thought I had a lot more to say than just this... oh well, I think I'm just too tired to think anymore hahaha :-P goodnight, peeps!

On The Outside Looking In

Well, right now life doesn't look too promising, nor does my future look very bright. Oh sure, anyone on the outside probably thinks that I've got it all together; that my life is full of promise and good things. It sure appears that way. After all, I'm studying something I love (music) and I've got great friends, plus I'm involved in so many things outside of school, like helping with 'Johnny Be Good!' and my church's drama group. My home life is good, for the most part. I've got a family that loves and supports me in everything I do, and my parents both work so that I can have the best life possible. But if someone were to somehow get inside my head, even for a second, they would see what's really going on: a battle. I've been fighting this battle ever since the break up, and to be honest, I don't think I can win. It's hard; when I'm alone and not busy, not doing anything, I begin to hear a voice. Not audibly, just inside my head where only I can hear it. And it tells me things like:

"You're a monster, you're a terrible person."

"All you ever do is hurt people. No one will ever want to be with you."

"You don't deserve anyone to love you, because you're not good enough."

"There's no hope for you; no one could possibly ever love you, and if they did they would have to be mentally unstable and completely insane."

"You should just give up. Lock your heart away, and don't ever give it someone else ever again."

A few nights ago, I had an episode where all I kept hearing was that voice. I was in my car in the parking lot of a movie theater, waiting for my friends to meet up with me, and I just lay there, listening to the voice tell me these things over and over again and I felt like I couldn't move. I didn't want to do anything. All I wanted to do was just lay there and let the voice continue to speak. When my friends got back they were pretty freaked out with me just laying there and not responding. But after a while I managed to pull myself away from the voice and have a fun night with my friends, but I know that this is just the beginning. That voice is here to stay, and no matter what I do it's going to stay in the back of my mind, waiting until I'm all alone again and then...

Surprisingly it doesn't come out much at night when I'm alone. I guess because I mange to keep my mind busy, even before I go to bed (I've been watching movies at night in order to help me sleep lately) and since school has started I'm usually so tired by the time I go to bed that my mind isn't able to think much at all and the voice stays away, which is great because then I can at least get a decent night's sleep, something that I am lacking these days due to school.

You know what's weird? Being single is a lot harder now than it was before... And what's even worse is the fact that there's this part of me that is still hoping that maybe someday it will work out between us, but... no, I can't think like that. It's over. I have to keep reminding myself of that: what happened between us is over, period, and there's no going back now. The only problem with that is it kills me to think that way. It really does. Yes, true, there's someone else I'm kind of interested in right now, not going to lie, but I just can't see myself with someone else. Not now... and maybe, not ever.

You know that sinking feeling you get in your stomach when you find out something ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE? Something you just didn't want to know? Yeah, that's what I've got right now. I was trying to hold on to the little bit of hope that I had left; wishing, hoping, thinking maybe someday it will work out between us. And now? That's gone. Any and all hope that I had for us getting back together is completely non-existent now. And it's killing me, because now there's no hope for me anymore. I'm just not meant to be with someone, period, end of story. Hmm... the thought of becoming a nun is quite appealing now... Naw, that'll never happen either.

Well... now what do I do? That's the big question now. At the moment, all I want to do is cry... and... no, I won't say it, I'll get in trouble if I say that on here... So yeah, I'm not sure what to do now. My life sucks, officially. I have no idea where I'm going in life, I'm still suffering from a broken heart, the one guy I really like has moved on to someone new, and there's no Knight in Shinning Armor coming to rescue me... Can life suck anymore than this? I don't think it can.

"Never Again"

My new favorite song by Kelly Clarkson. This pretty much is where I'm at right now, because I'm pissed off and I'm hurting a lot.

Never Again

Verse 1:

I hope the ring you gave to her turns her finger green.

I hope when you're in bed with her, you think of me.

I would never wish bad things, but I don't wish you well.

Could you tell by the flames that burned your words?

I never read your letter, 'cause I knew what you'd say.

Give me that Sunday School answer, 

Try and make it all okay.

Chorus: 

Does it hurt to know I'll never be there?

Bet it sucks to see my face everywhere.

It was you who chose to end it like you did!

I was the last to know.

You knew exactly what you would do!

And don't say you simply lost your way!

She may believe you, but I never will!

Never again!

Verse 2:

If she really knows the truth, she deserves you.

A trophy wife, oh how cute.

Ignorance is bliss.

But when your day comes and he's through with you.

And he'll be through with you,

You'll die together but alone.

You wrote me in a letter, you couldn't say it right to my face.

Well give me that Sunday School answer,

Repent yourself away.

Chorus:

Does it hurt to know I'll never be there?

Bet it sucks to see my face everywhere.

It was you who chose to end it like you did!

I was the last to know.

You knew exactly what you would do!

And don't say you simply lost your way!

They may believe you, but I never will!

Never again!

Verse 3:

Never again will I hear you,

Never again will I miss you.

Never again will I fall to you,

Never.

Never again will I kiss you,

Never again will I want to.

Never again will I love you,

Never. 

Chorus:

Does it hurt to know I'll never be there?

Bet it sucks to see my face everywhere.

It was you who chose to end it like you did!

I was the last to know.

You knew exactly what you would do!

And don't say you simply lost your way!

They may believe you, but I never will!

I never will.

I never will!

Never again.

Life Unexpected

So it's been a while since my last post, and I can definitely tell you that life has both gotten better and worse. It's gotten better because on Monday night I talked to Mark for the first time since the break up. I talked to him on the phone, of course. Still don't know when or if I'll feel comfortable talking to him in person any time soon, but I say that talking to him on the phone was a HUGE step in moving on with life. Oh sure, I'll probably say "Hi" to him at church from now on, but as for having an actual conversation with him face-to-face, especially in public? That might take some time. We talked for a long time on Monday, although my cell phone kept dropping the call (a MAJOR pain in the neck) it was still a relatively good conversation. I say relatively because it wasn't the most fun or happy conversation we've ever had; it was pretty deep and very depressing for me, and at one point I started to cry, but eventually I got more comfortable with hearing his voice again (gosh, I really am pathetic, aren't I?) All in all, it was a good conversation.

Now for the worse part. To start off, school is killing me. It's only the end of the third week and I'm DIEING from all the homework I have! I don't remember having this much homework last Fall! ARRRGH! >_< Nor do I remember school being so stressful and leaving me completely exhausted. I swear I must be sleep deprived by this point; my sleeping schedule is non-existent now and when I do get sleep it never feels like I get enough, because I still wake up feeling exhausted and I go through the whole day continuing to feel exhausted. Some people would argue that I'm just too busy, that I'm trying to do more than I can handle, but that's not true. This isn't like in the Spring when I was doing 2 different shows at once, which REALLY made me tried, because this time I'm not doing a show... well, technically I am, I just don't have a part in it.

And to make it worse, I just found out the other day that this guy who I've been friends with since I did 'The Wizard of OZ' with Houston Family Arts Center (HFAC) wants to date me... but the problem is, he doesn't think it would work out. When I heard that, I thought "What the crap does he mean by that? Why wouldn't it work out?" So I thought about it, and the only thing that I can see why it wouldn't work out is because he lives in Katy, which is like on the other side of the world from where I live. That's the only reason I could think of. There might be more reasons that I'm not aware of, but I can't think of any others. And to be honest, it really annoyed the crap out of me because I had to hear this from another friend of mine, who is a mutual friend of me and the other guy. This is what I told my friend after he told me that this guy really likes me: "You know, it's really awesome that he likes me and wants to date me, but I'm definitely not ready for another relationship yet; I don't want to rebound on him... but if he really likes me, then he needs to MAN UP AND SAY SOMETHING!!!" Oh my gosh, you have NO IDEA how much it bugs me that guys will have a crush on a girl and really like them and want to date them, but they will NEVER SAY IT TO THE GIRL'S FACE!!! They won't come out with it and be real! My message to all you guys out there is this: Grow a spine, man up and SAY SOMETHING TO HER!!! She'll never know how you feel about her until you freaking say something! Yes, I realize you run the risk of being totally rejected or finding out that she already has a boyfriend, but if you want to date a girl and you really, truly like her, you need to come right out and say it to her face. Man up and say something, daggum it, or she will never know!

Well, now you know how I feel about that, onto less aggressive topics hahaha :P I've got a lot of homework to do this weekend, starting today. I've got 2 tests this week, and I have to sing in Master Class on Monday. On Tuesday I've got a test for Ballet on barre technique, and then on Wednesday I have a math test -__- oh joy (tired sigh) yeah, I've got a lot to do... Oh, and I'm currently working on a story :) It's a fairy tale. I've tried to write a fairy tale once before, but I dropped it because I couldn't figure out how to keep the plot moving along, so I'm hoping that this one will be better. Not sure when I'll have it finished (I'm currently still working on the first chapter. Yes, it's going to have more than one chapter, so just deal with it, k? :P) Anyway, I better stop here. I've got some Piano homework that is calling my name. Until next time :) later, peeps!