Back To The Single Life

As I sit here on the back steps of my house, I can't help but feel a wonderful sense of peace and freedom. The weather is beautiful, the sun is shining, a cool, light breeze is blowing and it's that time of year where nature is transitioning from Fall to Spring; the trees are still bare, but new life is beginning all over the place; new grass is starting to grow, baby animals are being born, and a new school semester is just around the corner. It's a time of newness, a time of rebirth and revival. And so, even though my relationship with Travis is over, I've got so much to look forward to this coming semester.

I'd rather not go into all of the details of the break up, but basically he did it over Facebook, which really made me mad, especially since I had just seen him an hour ago. It hurt, and I was really disappointed in him; that is such a cowardly thing to do, but whatever. It's his loss, not mine. Everyone has been telling me that I can do better than him, now I just have to convince myself of that. Quite honestly, I'm thinking of taking a break from the dating scene for a while. I need time to take care of myself and I need to be more focused on my school and my "career." And really, this break up is actually a blessing in disguise. I'm going to be extremely busy this semester, since I'm going to be doing another show at the Nathaniel Center called "Zaney Muldaney" and also, my church will be putting on their Easter production like last year, and I'm definitely going to want to be involved in that. Plus, school is just going to be really hectic this semester, so in all honesty, I'm not going to have much time for a boyfriend.

And, most importantly, my spiritual life. I've got to be honest, I really haven't been living the Christian life. I haven't been walking the walk or talking the talk, and I think I need to take this break not only for my heart to heal again, but for me to draw close to God again and get my priorities straight. During the time I was dating Travis, I went to church and that was about it. I didn't read my Bible, I didn't pray, because quite honestly, I felt like a total hypocrite. I felt guilty, knowing all the things I had done weren't the things a child of God should be doing with her life. So, in a way, I've come to see this a some kind of miracle; I feel a strange sense of freedom that I haven't felt in a while. It's like I was completely bound in chains and now they've been broken. It's strange, really. I woke up this morning, still feeling the affects of last night, and as the day went on the feeling of worthlessness turned into a bittersweet feeling. I'm hurt that it's over with Travis, because for a while, he made me feel beautiful and wanted, but also I know that this is really the best thing for me.

Strange to think that, after all I've done, God would still want to help me and give me a way out of the darkness that I had been living in. During the time that I was dating Travis, I didn't pray or read my Bible because I felt that it would be the most hypocritical thing I could do, and I felt so guilty and terrible and ashamed of the things I had done that I didn't want to pray because I didn't think God would want to listen to me. But, that's the amazing thing about God; He doesn't think like we do, and He loves us so much more than we would ever comprehend or fathom. My break from guys is going to probably be the best thing I will ever be able to do for myself. It will give my heart time to heal, give me the extra time I need to do better in school and be able to do shows, AND it will help me grow closer to God again.

I think this semester is going to be the best semester ever.