Life Complicated

Life never ceases to amaze me. A few days ago, I had a rather interesting (and at some points, awkward) phone conversation with an old theater friend of mine. We first met back in 2008 when I was doing "The Wizard of Oz" with HFAC (Houston Family Arts Center.) It was my first show with this group, and I was excited to be a part of such an awesome show with such awesome people. Ever since then, we've been good friends; we've been in one other show together, "The Diary of Anne Frank" but because he lives in Katy and I live here in New Caney, we don't get to see each other much, except when we do shows together, which is rare for me these days. I haven't done another show with HFAC since 2009 with "Diary of Anne Frank" (I've auditioned for "West Side Story" last summer, but that audition didn't work out too well for me.)

Anyway, I get on Facebook and this friend of mine is lamenting his singleness, so I commented on his status, agreeing with him that the single life does indeed suck. He replies back with "You have a boyfriend, how would you know?" and to which I reply, "No I don't, we broke up." A few minutes later, we are talking on chat. He tells me how sorry he is about the break up, and then asks if we can finish this conversation on the phone. I immediately knew where this conversation was going to go. And I was right. He calls me up and asks me, "So... have you ever thought about us dating?" Oh. my. lord. Even though I knew from the start where this conversation was going to lead, the question still took me by surprise. I told him the truth, that yes, I had thought about it a couple times. And... well, you can imagine where the rest went. In essence, he told me that if we did decide to date, we would take it really slow (gee, where else have I heard that before? hmm... oh well, whatever.)

Now, here is where it gets complicated. I know that Nathan likes me. Now I know that this other guy likes me. And I honestly don't know how I feel about either of them. This is so weird; back in high school, I didn't have any problems with guys. There were some guys that I had crushes on, but those never went anywhere and now I'm in college and all of a sudden I've got guys coming out of the woodwork and telling me they like me and... (sigh) honestly, this is getting to be too much. Part of me just wishes they would LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE but... the other part of me feels really flattered and special and wanted, and it's a really nice feeling. It's such a strange combination, these feelings. The feeling of wanting to be left alone, but at the same time wanting that closeness that I secretly long for. And I guess that's my problem: it's a secret.

I don't tend to express and vocalize my feelings and thoughts to people, some times not even to my closest friends. That's part of the reason I started this blog; to get my feelings and thoughts out without having to verbalize them, which probably isn't a good thing. I don't tend to communicate well (just ask my exs, they'll tell you) so this is probably just making my lack of communication skills worse. Therein lies the problem. Unless a person reads my blog, they probably don't know what's really going on in my life. Sure, there's things that I don't post in here, more personal matters and such, but basically, everything I post on here is what is going on with me and my personal life. Another part of my problem I think is that I am so against talking about marriage and am very against having children (I can't STAND it when my mom or anyone else tries to talk to me about how many kids I want, what I want to name my kids, etc. I freaking HATE those conversations >_<) that is just turns most guys away instantly. In other words, when guys first meet me, they think I'm cold and... well, maybe even a little heartless.

I know already that lots of guys are intimidated by me (I still have yet to figure out why exactly) and I guess they are also turned off by my lack of... I don't know what you call it... femininity? I don't know, but I'm starting to think that although a guy may find me to be attractive on the outside, once he gets to know me I scare him off. Which makes sense, in a way. I would be scared of me too if I was a guy.

Well, I guess I should go to bed now. It's almost 1:30 in the morning (I went to dinner and to go see a show at HFAC tonight with that friend of mine. He said it wasn't a date, but somehow I don't believe him.) And I've got a long day tomorrow. "Zaney Muldaney" callbacks are tomorrow at 2, and that could last all afternoon, so I need to be sure to stay awake, hahaha :-P) Good night, everyone.