The Wandering Mind

Okay, so... yeah, something interesting happened to me tonight. I haven't posted any thing in a while (mostly because I've been too busy to have time to actually sit down and type anything) but also because my life has been really crazy and hectic lately. But someone (I honestly have no idea who this person is, but apparently they read my blog) and this person sent me a text tonight telling me that now is the time to write a new blog post. It kind of has me freaked out a little, because I don't know who this person is and they refused to identify themselves, but I decided that it would be in my best interest if I wrote this post. So, whoever you are, I hope you enjoy this post. Aside from that, I can tell you that it's amazing how a lot can happen in just two weeks. I've had a lot of things happen to me, and I've also discovered a lot of things about myself.

I've discovered that it IS possible for a guy to like me. Yes, I know, shocking right? But it's true. There is this guy who REALLY likes me, and yes, we've been on 3 dates already... and this is where things start to get complicated. I've also discovered that I'm not ready to date again. Not yet. I thought I was. When this guy first asked me out over a week ago, I thought to myself, "Sure, why not? I mean, what do I have to lose? Nothing. So, why not?" But I also had second thoughts. "I don't know if I'm ready to do this again... can I handle this? Am I ready?" And in answer to that question, the voice in my head told me, "Erin, if you're not ready now, you'll never be."

It's really kind of hard to describe how I came to the realization that I'm not ready to date again yet. I have been praying about this for the last 2 weeks, ever since I went on that first date with this guy, and I had been asking God to show me, tell me somehow, if this was the best thing for me right now. And He answered it. Loud and clear, to be exact. Lots of people think that God doesn't hear our prayers, that God doesn't answer prayers anymore. Well, I am hear to tell you today that is FAR FROM TRUE. God definitely answers prayer. Maybe not in the way we would want Him to, but He does.

I entitled this post "The Wandering Mind" for a reason, because that is that is exactly what my mind has been doing for the last 2 weeks. Wandering, aimlessly and often times into places I would prefer that it wouldn't go. I guess that's the price you pay when you think about things too much. I rarely have time for myself anymore; time to just relax and not worry about anything. And when I am by myself, my mind likes to think about things, and I really wish it wouldn't. Thinking about things has gotten me into a lot of trouble lately, and it seems that when I think about things, someone always ends up getting hurt by me. That is another thing I've discovered. I hurt people. Last night I told this guy that I can't pretend anymore. I can't pretend to be okay, when really I'm not. I can't pretend that I don't have any issues that I still need to deal with, when it's very obvious that I do. I can't pretend to have feelings someone new, when I clearly still have feelings for someone else. I can't pretend anymore. I'm tired of pretending. My whole life has been about pretending. When I was a kid, I loved to play Pretend. I could be anything or anyone I wanted to be, and the story always ended the way I wanted it to. Now, 20 years later, I'm still pretending.

This is going to sound very strange, and it may have me wind up in a mental institution, but... my life has never felt real. It has always felt like I was in a dream, like this was just a play going on, with me as the leading role and everyone else around me was the other characters. Sometimes I've wondered if my life is even real. If I am even real. It feels that way sometimes. And I came to that realization last night, which is what made me tell this guy that I couldn't go on pretending. It's scary to think now; is my life real? Is all of this even real? It scares me to death, because then that means... what does that mean?

I know that it was God who gave me this wake up call. It was definitely God, there is no arguing that. I asked Him to show me if this was what is best for me right now, and not only did He answer that question, He also showed me how far I've truly fallen into the black abyss that is known as Imagination and the power of Creative Thinking. Creativity and Imagination are two wonderful traits to have in any person, because they give us the ability to express ourselves through art, music, dance, acting, poetry, stories and the like. But they also have a dark side, because they can completely take over you and, quite frankly, possesses you. I am starting to see this very clearly.

Now, does this mean I am going to stop writing, acting, singing, dancing and enjoying being creative? Absolutely not. God gave me these gifts for a reason, to serve Him, and that's what I intend to do. But I'm going to have to be more careful from now on. Already several times today I have had to remind myself, "This is real, Erin. Your life is real. Everything that is happening around you is real. It's not all in your head. This isn't some fantasy world." Yes, I am well aware of how completely insane, crazy and irrational that sounds. But hey, human beings are the most irrational creatures on the planet. We love the people who hate us, we hate the people who love us, and most importantly, we keep doing the same things over and over again and expect a different result every time.

Sorry for all of that. I'm sure that everything I just typed doesn't make any sense whatsoever, or maybe it seems to be so far over the top that there's no way a person could actually experience these things, but I do. Which is why, I suppose, my life is always stressful. But, then again, my life may always be stressful, but it is NEVER boring. There's never a dull moment for me.

Well, I need to get to bed. I'm exhausted, and tomorrow is Monday, which means tomorrow will be a busy day. Good night, everyone! :-)

Stand In The Rain

You know what the hardest part about life is? Hurting other people, especially when they really care about you a lot. That's what's hard. And I can now say that I have experienced what it feels like to hurt someone so deeply to the point where you don't know if they will be able to go on with their life. I don't really wish to go into all of the details, especially right now (seeing is how it's 2:34 in the morning and I have to get up in a few hours) so I won't post anything today. But I will post these song lyrics, which I think fit perfectly with the situations I have been in lately. Enjoy the song "Stand In The Rain" by Superchick.

Stand In The Rain

Verse 1:

She never slows down.

She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone,

Feels like it's all coming down.

She won't turn around.

The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear,

The tears will not stop raining down.

Chorus:

So stand in the rain, stand your ground.

Stand up when it's all crashing down.

Stand through the pain, you won't drown.

And one day what's lost can be found,

So stand in the rain.

Verse 2:

She won't make a sound.

Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands, she'll fall down.

She wants to be found.

The only way out is through everything she's running from,

Wants to give up and lie down.

Chorus:

So stand in the rain, stand your ground.

Stand up when it's all crashing down.

Stand through the pain, you won't drown.

And one day what's lost can be found,

So stand in the rain.

So stand in the rain, stand your ground.

Stand up when it's all crashing down.

Stand through the pain, you won't drown.

And one day what's lost can be found,

So stand in the rain.

Chorus: 

So stand in the rain, stand your ground.

Stand up when it's all crashing down.

Stand through the pain, you won't drown.

And one day what's lost can be found,

You stand in the rain.

Slipped Away

Another song by Avril Lavigne. enjoy.

Slipped Away

Verse 1:

I miss you, miss you so bad.

I don't forget you, oh it's so sad.

I hope you can hear me, I remember it clearly.

Chorus:

The day you slipped away,

Was the day I found it won't be the same, oh.

Verse 2:

I didn't get around to kiss you good-bye on the hand.

I wish that I could see you again, I know that I can't, oh.

I hope you can hear me, 'cause I remember it clearly.

Chorus:

The day you slipped away,

Was the day I found it won't be the same, oh.

Verse 3:

I've had my wake up, won't you wake up?

I keep asking why.

And I can't take it, it wasn't fake, it happened, you passed by.

Now you're gone, now you're gone. 

There you go, there you go somewhere, I can't bring you back. 

Now you're gone, now you're gone. 

There you go, there you go somewhere, you're not coming back.

Chorus:

The day you slipped away,

Was the day I found it won't be the same, no.

The day you slipped away,

Was the day I found it won't be the same, oh. 

I miss you.

Nobody's Home

Here's another Avril Lavigne song

Nobody's Home

Verse 1:

I couldn't tell you why she felt that way, she felt it every day.

I couldn't help her, I just watched her make the same mistakes again.

What's wrong, what's wrong now?

Too many, too many problems.

Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.

Chorus:

She wants to go home, but nobody's home.

It's where she lies, broken inside.

There's no place to go, no place to go,

To dry her eyes,

Broken inside.

Verse 2:

Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why

You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you've left behind.

Be strong, be strong now.

Too many, too many problems.

Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.

Chorus:

She wants to go home, but nobody's home.

It's where she lies, broken inside.

There's no place to go, no place to go,

To dry her eyes,

Broken inside.

Verse 3:

Her feelings she hides, her dreams she can't find.

She losing her mind, she's fallen behind.

She can't find her place, she's losing her faith.

She's fallen from grace, she's all over the place, yeah.

Chorus:

She wants to go home, but nobody's home.

It's where she lies, broken inside.

There's no place to go, no place to go,

To dry her eyes,

Broken inside.

She's lost inside, lost inside, oh oh.

She's lost inside, lost inside, oh oh, oh.

The Pursuit of Happiness

My life in one word: chaos. But it's not exactly bad chaos, if that makes any sense. It's just... crazy, insane, hectic, and at times very random. Lately I've been losing things (like my mind, but that's a different story.) I almost had a heart attack yesterday morning when I realized I couldn't find my 24 Italian Songs and Arias book that I use for my voice lesson, but I knew it could only be in one other place; at the church. So I went today to choir practice and guess where it was? Yep, in the choir room, sitting on the piano hahaha :-P And I lost my favorite jacket a few days ago, and my friend Kayse found it outside near the school (how it got there, I have NO idea, but I'm happy to have it back.) Also, school is KILLING ME. I realize I say that a lot, but now it's October, and it's getting down to the wire. I still don't have any of my voice lesson songs memorized, and I have to have my German piece memorized by next Wednesday because we're having our sung German Diction test that day, so I'm kind of freaking out. And with Ear Training class, I've come to the point where I really feel like just quitting music and doing drama. Ear Training is SUPER HARD for me, and I suck at rhythm (yes, I am rhythmically challenged. Hey, I'm a vocalist, not an instrumentalist.) Of course, Math is hard, as always, that goes without saying. And Ballet has been REALLY challenging and difficult for me lately. We are learning a lot of new material really fast, and it's getting to be very overwhelming.

As for the spiritual life, it's gotten a lot better. I've really been having to draw close to God lately, just to get through the day, and especially to get through the nights. I'm still struggling with a lot of questions that I have, and I'm still trying to settle a lot of issues but it's getting better.

And as for life in general? It's funny... not long ago, I felt like the whole world had ended; I was depressed, sad, angry, bitter, confused, hurting and unable to even think about my life without him by my side. But now... it's not like that anymore. I mean, don't get me wrong, there's not a single day that goes by without me thinking about him, remembering the days that seem like only yesterday where I had never been happier in my life, and still hoping that maybe, just maybe... But God is so faithful and amazing. He's brought some really great new friends into my life, and even though they are completely insane, psychotic, bizarre, random and just plain weird, they are amazing.

I'm sure some of you are wondering if there's any new "prospects" that I have in mind these days. And the answer to that question is, no. There's no guy right now that I am really interested in. Yes, I did have a guy ask me out, and he's really nice and all; we get along great and we're good friends but I told him I would REALLY have to think about it, and he understood. There are still some questions I am trying to answer, and yes, I still have feelings for Mark, let me just put that out there. But I'm trying to put those feelings on hold and/or completely behind me (like I said, I still have some hope, so it's hard to think of getting rid of those feelings completely) but other than that, I am learning to move on. For me, moving on as been about having fun with my friends, checking out cute guys, being involved in church, and attempting to keep myself from drowning in my piles of homework. Basically, I'm doing what any other single girl my age would do; trying to live life without a special Someone by her side. Which is hard, you know? It's lonely. And the memories are so wonderful that it sometimes hurts to think about what I had just a few months ago.

But I am trying to walk in this promise God has given me:

Jeremiah 29:11-13 -

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart." 

 

This verse has been on my mind a lot lately, and I am trying to learn to just let God take the wheel and do what He wants with me. I am wanting to grow closer to Him, because honestly, I need Him now more than I ever have before. I'm starting to see that there are some guys interested in me, and that's kind of unnerving, mostly because for my whole life I never thought guys could/would like me, and that I was destined to become a Crazy Cat lady, but now... now I'm not so sure. I've told two people recently that I'm trying to find out the truth about myself, because if everything I've ever believed about myself is a lie, then I need to... no, I HAVE to know the truth, and if God is truth, then He will have the answers. 

Well, I'm now officially excited for the weekend. My friend Brittney just text me, asking if we can go Halloween costume shopping on Saturday, and she's going to spend the night and we're going to try to get some friends together to go the new Cracker Barrel restaurant that just opened in Kingwood about a week ago. See, what did I tell you? I'm so busy these days, and it's awesome! Man, I love college hahaha :-P well, I need to get to bed. Tomorrow's another busy day. Good night, everyone! 

What Kind of Fool Am I?

This is a really good song that I found on my "Broadway: The American Musical" CD collection. It's from a show called 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off'

Verse 1:

What kind of fool am I, who never fell in love?

It seems that I'm the only one that I have been thinking of.

What kind of man is this, an empty shell?

A lonely cell in which an empty heart must dwell.

What kind of clown am I, what do I know of life?

Why can't I cast away this mask of play, and live my life?

Why can't I fall in love, like any other man?

And maybe then I'll know what kind of fool I am!

Verse 2:

What kind of lips are these, that lied with every kiss?

That whispered empty words of love that left me alone like this?

What kind of eyes are these that could not see

What could be seen by everybody else but me?

What kind of clown am I?

What do I know of life?

Why can't I cast away this mask of play and live my life?

Why can't I fall in love, till I don't give a d***?

And maybe then I'll know the kind of fool I am!

God and Singleness

I was reading my devotional tonight (something that I have NOT been doing regularly, but that I am trying to get back in to doing on a daily basis) and I'm just going to say this. God is amazing, okay? If you haven't experienced His amazing-ness, you are missing out and when you do experience it, it will BLOW YOUR MIND. In my devotional tonight it was based on the verses Hebrews 13:5 and Romans 8:31-39. The devotional talks about singleness, and the painful loneliness that comes with it. Lately, I've REALLY been suffering from the loneliness aspect of being single, and yes, I know it's only been... what, two months, almost three since the break up, but the loneliness is really starting to get to me. That was always the problem when I was single before; the loneliness of it all, it killed me, and now it's back with a vengeance. So it shocked me when I opened this devotional tonight and it was, of course, talking about the loneliness. I sat there for a second and thought, "Wow... God, You never cease to amaze me... You're talking directly to me, aren't You?"

This is what it said toward the end of the devotional:

"Singleness can sometimes mean loneliness at work, at church, at home. If you're single, know that the Lord God sees you and loves you. He has a plan for your life that only you can fulfill. He wants you to seek Him first. Scripture refers to God as our husband and to Jesus as the bridegroom. Pray about what that could mean to you."

At first when I read this, I was irritated and furious; other people have told me this EXACT same thing, and it annoys the crap out of me! What REALLY annoys me is when the people that tell me this are either married already or are dating someone. I always just want to take the person that says that to me by the shoulders, shake them and scream, "THAT'S EASY FOR YOU TO SAY, YOU'RE NOT ME! YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE ME!" Because it's true; those people aren't me. They don't know what it's like to be me. They don't have to be me, to live with my problems and my mind and thoughts... they have NO IDEA what it's like to be twenty years old, a Sophomore in college and be single. That's just... hard, for me. I know that all probably doesn't make any sense, but it's true. It's almost to the point of being humiliating; I'm twenty, for Pete's sake, and yet I'm single! Shouldn't most people my age either have a boyfriend or girlfriend or be dating someone? What's wrong with this picture? Or perhaps, the question should really be... what's wrong with me?

I've always wanted to know the answer to that question, and yet no one will ever give me an answer. That, or they'll say, "There's nothing wrong with you" and I think to myself, "Really... then why the hell do I do nothing but scare guys away?" Because that's really all I do; I scare guys away. I don't know why, I just do. Apparently I'm really intimidating, for whatever reason. My other question is this: if God really loves me, and wants me to be happy and live a fulfilling life... WHY THE HELL AM I STILL SINGLE?!?!? Sorry for the language in this post, but it's true! I don't understand how God can do this to me... especially since He knows how much pain I'm going through, how much it kills me to see other people with their "special someone" and I'm left out in the cold, alone.

After I read the devotional, it started to sink in a little, and it made me less angry. I'm still questioning how God can do this to me, but I do kind of understand a little now maybe why He's doing this. It was right there in the devotional: Seek Him first. That's hard. I remember how in 2009, right after I'd graduated from high school, I went on my very first date with this guy that I met at a friend's party. I was on Cloud 9; a guy was actually interested in me for once! I was so happy... but then, we only wound up going out on two dates, and after that he never spoke to me again. That completely devastated me, and I started to ask myself that question, "What is wrong with me?" That question continued to burn in my mind, and throughout my entire first semester of college I remember how many times I cried and begged God to take away my pain; to give me someone to make me happy. Then I started to get a MAJOR crush on this other guy (a.k.a Mark) and I remember all the times I would cry, beg and plead with God to TAKE AWAY my feelings for him.

I bet some of you are wondering right now, "What the heck? That doesn't make any sense. Why would you want God to take away your feelings for someone?" Because I didn't want to get hurt again. I didn't want to have my heart broken when I found out that he liked someone else, that he wasn't interested in me. I already figured that I didn't have a chance with him anyway, so I didn't want to continue to hope and wish for something that wasn't going to come true. Then, one day I woke up... and I felt so free. I couldn't explain it, but I suppose that it was from the result of battling and arguing with God for almost over a year about me being single, and that day when I woke up, I felt so totally free that I knew what to do. I remember telling God, "You know what? I think I'm gonna be okay with this whole "being single" thing. I think I can actually handle this, as long as You're with me. Bring it on, God!" That was my moment of surrender. I had finally come to accept my singleness and was prepared to take on the world. However, that very night my entire world got rocked when someone told me something I never thought I would ever hear...

So... maybe I just have to get back to that state again, the state of being completely and totally content with being single and then maybe the pain will go away. It went away the first time, maybe this time it will be the same. Because, in all honesty, that's what I want the most right now: I want this excruciating pain to just go away and never come back. It's going to take time, of course. That's the part that sucks is that I know it's going to take time. A LOT of time. But if in the end it gets rid of all this pain, then it will be worth it.

Well, it's late and I need to get to bed. Got school in the morning, and I'm gonna be out late tomorrow night. My friend is celebrating her 22nd birthday and it's from 7 till... who knows when? Hahaha :-P Anyway, good night, peeps!

My Happy Ending

Here's a song by Avril Lavigne

music video - My Happy Ending

Verse 1:

Let's talk this over, it's not like we're dead.

Was it something I did?

Was it something you said?

Don't leave me hangin' in a city so dead.

Held up so high on such a breakable thread.

You were all the things I thought I knew,

And I thought we could be.

Chorus:

You were everything, everything that I wanted.

We were meant to be, suppose to be, but we lost it.

All of the memories so close to me just fade away.

All this time you were pretending,

So much for my happy ending.

So much for my happy ending.

Verse 2:

You've got your dumb friends, I know what they say. 

They tell you I'm difficult, but so are they.

But they don't know me, do they even know you? 

All the things you hide from me, all the s*** that you do.

You were all the things I thought I knew,

And I thought we could be.

Chorus:

You were everything, everything that I wanted.

We were meant to be, suppose to be, but we lost it.

All of the memories so close to me just fade away.

All this time you were pretending,

So much for my happy ending.

Verse 3:

It's nice to know that you were there, 

Thanks for acting like you cared,

And making me feel like I was the only one.

It's nice to know we had it all,

Thanks for watching as I fall,

And letting me know we were done.

Chorus: 

He was everything, everything that I wanted.

We were meant to be, suppose to be, but we lost it.

All of the memories so close to me just fade away.

All this time you were pretending,

So much for my happy ending.

Chorus:

You were everything, everything that I wanted.

We were meant to be, suppose to be, but we lost it.

All of the memories so close to me just fade away.

All this time you were pretending,

So much for my happy ending.

So much for my happy ending.

So much for my happy ending.

Solitude and God

You know people will tell you that being alone isn't the way to cure loneliness? Because when you isolate yourself from everyone that loves you, you start to sink further and further into that black abyss, this I know is very true. But... what if what you really, truly need is to just be alone? What if that is the cure for loneliness? I'm starting to wonder. Tonight after the Creative Arts Ministry Bible study I wanted to walk around outside the church. The night was beautiful; cool, crisp and the wind had the delectable smell of Autumn. So I walked around, just letting my thoughts wander... unfortunately, they started to go in a direction that I've been trying to avoid since the break up. Memories began flooding back to me; everywhere I went, there was something that reminded me of a memory of him and I together. After a while, I sat myself down on a bench, and began talking to God. The next thing I knew, I was sobbing, crying my heart out to the One who has been with me through this whole thing. When I finally got up to leave, I looked at my phone. I had been sitting there for about an hour, just talking (mostly rambling) to God.

You see, one of the great things about God is that you can do that. You can ramble all you want to Him and He won't care if you're not making a lick of sense, because He already knows everything you're trying to say/wanting to say. And you don't have to worry about sounding stupid to Him, because He already knows what you're thinking. That's one of the amazing things about talking to God. And the thing is, I've had A LOT on my mind lately, and not just school related things. I'm so... confused now. I don't know what to believe anymore, and I'm scared. I'm literally living in fear. I am like a little girl that is stuck inside a grown woman's body, and I don't know how to handle this scary, confusing world and I don't know what to believe, what is really true. Everyone keeps telling me different things on how to get back on with living my life, but none of it is consistent. One person tells me one thing, and someone else tells me another thing. I don't know what to believe, I don't know what is true, and I don't know who to listen to.

My friends all mean well, they really do, but now I'm so turned around I don't know which way is up. Some people tell me to keep hoping; don't give up, maybe it will work out someday. Just give it time. And other people tell me to give up hoping; stop thinking that way, because it's never going to happen. You're just fooling yourself. The thing is, I want to keep hoping, but I also know that by giving up hope I'll maybe have a chance to really start to move on and truly let go of this dream that is obviously never going to come true, because all it's doing is killing me. But... there's something inside of me that doesn't want to give up hoping, even though all it does it bring me pain.

Well I should probably go to bed. I've got a long day tomorrow (singing in a recital and also got an exam in Theory... blah, I hate Mondays) good night, everyone.

Transfers, College, Life and Letting Go

My life just continues to get more interesting by the day. I just talked on the phone to Dr. Hodges from ETBU (East Texas Baptist University) and set up an audition date for November 12. I must say, I'm pretty excited :-) even though ETBU isn't my number one choice to transfer to (my number one choice is AMDA, the American Musical and Dramatic Academy, but that's all the way in NYC, so yeah, that's not gonna happen) it's still a really good school; a somewhat small but absolutely beautiful campus, and the teachers seem really friendly. The dorms are nice (my parents and I went to visit the campus in the Spring, so I've been there, but I haven't talked to any of the music or drama faculty) so this trip will be good. I'll get to talk to the teachers and start making some connections. The next thing I'm excited about is I'm going to go visit SHSU (Sam Houston State University) on November 20, which makes me REALLY excited, since Sam is one of the few colleges that offers a Musical Theater degree, which is what I really want to do :-)

As for my life at LSC Kingwood, it's been a rough semester. I haven't memorized/worked on ANY of my new pieces (yes, I know, shame on me) and my math class is KILLING me (even though this is just a remedial class and it doesn't really matter if I get an A in this class or not, I REALLY don't want to fail it either because then I'll just have to take it again -__-* grrrrr math is evil.) Ballet is, surprisingly, going very well for me. I mean, yeah, it's not easy since I'm not naturally a dancer, but I'm improving a lot, at least I think so. And what's also great is that I'm starting to feel somewhat graceful when I dance, not awkward or uncomfortable or anything... and I feel beautiful :-) it's an amazing feeling to be learning a new technique, look at myself in the wall-length mirror and actually look and feel beautiful. My other classes, like Ear Training/Sight Singing, Piano and Theory are going pretty good. I'm learning more things in all of those classes which are helping to make me into a better musician and a better performer.

As for my life in general? Not too bad, can't really complain. I'm still going through a lot, and part of me doesn't really want to post any of that on here because it's personal and I feel like I've already talked enough about the emotional roller-coaster I've been riding lately in my past blogs, so I'm reluctant to post anything too personal right now. All I will say is that I'm doing better. I'm not great, I'm not fantastic and I'm not super, but I'm okay... no, I'm not even okay, I'm just... fine. It's hard to describe where I'm at emotionally right now, because to be honest, I'm not sure if I'm really in touch with my emotions at this point. I mean, I'm so busy these days that I don't really have time to stop and take a good look at my mental and emotional state... but a few nights ago, something weird happened. I was coming out of the Nathaniel Center after JBG rehearsal. I was walking to my car when I looked up at the sky. The sun was setting, and I noticed how beautiful it was... but I also noticed that I there was this pain creeping into my chest. I stood there, watching the sunset and wishing I had someone there to watch it with me. I felt lonely. That was the pain I was feeling.

Last night I hung out with Nick, Kayse and Jackie. Nick had just gotten off of work and wanted me to take him home real quick to change out of his uniform. I drove him to his house, and while I waited outside in the car, I looked up. It was a beautiful night; a cool evening with a breeze, and the stars were out. I sat there, watching them, and that pain came back. I was fine once Nick and I got back to Sonic to meet with Jackie and Kayse, but I know that's only because I got distracted and wasn't able to think about the loneliness. I'm sure that with time this feeling will pass, in fact, I'm certain of it. I've always envied women who are able to be happy without having a man in their life, and that's the kind of woman I want to be. Because, and you've heard me say this before, I probably won't have a man in my life. I realize that that may be a very negative mind-set, but it's called facing reality, and I need to wake up and accept the truth.

Today I was talking to one of my best friends, Khrys. I told her about how I still have this little hope in me that maybe, just maybe, someday Mark and I will get back together again. You know what she told me? Basically she told me to stop doing this to myself; stop trying to think that way, because if Mark and I are going to be friends again, I can't think that way anymore or our friendship will end in disaster. And she's right (she usually is when it comes to stuff like this) I have to stop thinking about that. I have to stop hoping. Besides, it won't happen anyway. We're both going in totally different directions in life, we both want totally different things, and I probably won't even be around by next year if I manage to transfer to where I decide to go. And maybe by letting go of this hope I'll finally be able to really move on. I guess we'll see in time. It seems easy enough... but then again, isn't that how a lot of things in life are? They seem simple; get good grades, go to a good school, get a good job, make time for your friends and family, but it's never as easy as everyone tells you it is. I'm starting to figure that out for myself.

Well, I better end this here. It's already 3:30 and I'm still in my pjs (I didn't wake up this morning until 10:30 and then I watched "The Vampire's Assistant" for the rest of the morning) and I have homework to do. So... until next time :-) later, peeps!

Holding Out For A Hero

Love this song :-)

Holding Out For A Hero

Verse 1:

Where have all the good men gone, and where are all the gods?

Where's the street-wise Hercules to fight the rising odds?

Isn't there a White Knight upon a fiery steed?

Late at night I toss and turn and dream of what I need.

Chorus:

I need a hero!

I'm holding out for a hero till the end of the night.

He's gotta be strong, and he's gotta be fast and he's gotta be fresh from the fight.

I need a hero!

I'm holding out for a hero till the morning light.

He's gotta be sure, and it's gotta be soon and he's gotta be larger than life,

Larger than life.

Verse 2:

Somewhere after midnight in my wildest fantasy.

Somewhere just beyond my reach, there's someone reaching back for me.

Racing on the thunder, rising with the heat.

It's gonna take a Superman to sweep me off my feet.

Chorus: 

I need a hero!

I'm holding out for a hero till the end of the night.

He's gotta be strong, and he's gotta be fast and he's gotta be fresh from the fight.

I need a hero!

I'm holding out for a hero till the morning light.

He's gotta be sure, and it's gotta be soon and he's gotta be larger than life,

Larger than life.

Verse 3:

Out where the mountains meet the heavens above,

Out where the lighting splits the sea,

I would swear that there's someone, somewhere watching me.

Through the wind and the chill and the rain, 

And the storm and the flood

I can feel his approach like fire in my blood.

Chorus: 

I need a hero!

I'm holding out for a hero till the end of the night.

He's gotta be strong, and he's gotta be fast and he's gotta be fresh from the fight.

I need a hero!

I'm holding out for a hero till the morning light.

He's gotta be sure, and it's gotta be soon and he's gotta be larger than life.

I need a hero!

I'm holding out for a hero till the end of the night.

He's gotta be strong, and he's gotta be fast and he's gotta be fresh from the fight.

I need a hero!

I'm holding out for a hero till the morning light.

He's gotta be sure, and it's gotta be soon and he's gotta be larger than life,

Larger than life.