New Year, New Start... Or Not

Today is New Year's Eve, and that means it will be a new start for many people, including myself. For me, 2010 has been a year of new friendships, new experiences, new challenges, new disappointments, and new hardships. I've stood on the tallest mountain, and I've walked through the lowest valley. I have learned new things about myself; I have changed in so many ways, and yet when it comes right down to it, I haven't changed at all. I am still me, and yet I am a different me, a new me. In one word, 2010 was weird. It was such a strange mixture of good things, wonderful things, bad things and terrible things.

I went to a part of Texas and interacted with people who didn't speak English, I went to New Orleans for the first time, I went to see my favorite musical, 'Wicked', I got my first kiss and first boyfriend. I got to get experience in working backstage for a musical, I got experience in being in opera, I got my heart broken for the first time, and I got to experience the healing power of starting over. I have known what it feels like to be absolutely and completely happy and I have known what it feels like to be completely devastated and feeling like you're going to die. Yes, indeed, it has been a rather strange year.

I would like to think that this new year is going to be an improvement, but somehow, I'm not so sure it will be. I want to be optimistic about starting the new year, but I also want to be realistic. Realistically, this new year probably won't be any better than this year has been. Why do I say that, you ask? Call it a woman's intuition. You see, during these past few weeks as I've been on break, I've had a lot of time to think about the current "relationship" I'm in (if you can even call it a relationship) and I'm starting to think that it won't be much longer before either he ends it or I do, because quite honestly, I don't know how much longer I can handle being ignored and being made to feel that I am not worth his time... although that is true, because I'm not.

I think it's time I got something out in the open, something I haven't told anyone yet, not even my closest friends. Before Winter Break, Travis tried to break up with me. It's a long, complicated and not-so-pretty story, but in the end, I was begging him for a second chance, and he gave it to me, though not exactly ready and willing. And you know what's strange? That is exactly what I begged Mark for, a second chance. Why is it always me begging, pleading, crying for a second chance? And why is it that no guy really ever wants to give me that second chance? He does it, but unwillingly, and then it's always me who is left wondering, "What did I do wrong? Am I not worth it?" Apparently I'm not.

I've decided something. I'm going to wait until after the holidays are over to try and talk to Travis. I'm going to wait until we have that extra rehearsal for the Chamber Singers choir tour to talk to him. Why? Because I'm willing to give him a second chance. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and trust that he still wants this. I'm going to trust him, and I'm going to give him another chance to prove to me that he still wants this relationship. Maybe I'm doing the dumbest thing ever. Maybe I'll just end up getting hurt again, but I'm willing to give him a second chance and if I get hurt in the end, then so be it. I don't want to be afraid of getting hurt anymore. Maybe that's an ambitious and unrealistic goal, but it's what I want... it's the only way I will ever be able to open my heart up to someone else when this my relationship with Travis is over, which may be sooner than I think.

Anyway, that's how my year was, in a nutshell. Tonight I'm going to hang out with Nick, Kayse, Nick's sister Jackie, Mark and some other cool people :-) what a great way to end the year. I hope you all have a safe and wonderful night :-) Thanks to everyone who reads this blog and I'll see you all in 2011!

I Know Him So Well (lyrics)

Basically, this is how I'm feeling right now about my relationship with Travis. I know it's going to end, and perhaps it might be ending sooner than I would like it to, but... I just don't know anymore. Anyway, this is the song "I Know Him So Well" from the musical 'Chess'

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bnjG1kUQtno

I Know Him So Well

Verse 1:

Nothing is so good it lasts eternally. 

Perfect situations must go wrong.

But this has never yet prevented me

Wanting far too much for far too long.

Looking back, I could have played it differently.

Won a few more moments, who can tell?

But it took time to understand the man.

Now at least I know I know him well.

Chorus: 

Wasn't it good? (oh so good) Wasn't he fine? (oh so fine) 

Isn't it madness? He can't be mine?

But in the end he needs a little bit more than me - 

More security (he needs his fantasy and freedom)

I know him so well.

Verse 2:

No one in your life is with you constantly.

No one is completely on your side.

And though I move my world to be with him,

Still the gap between us is too wide.

Looking back I could have played it differently.

(Looking back I could have played things another way.)

Learned about the man before I fell.

(I was just a little careless maybe.)

But I was ever so much younger then.

(Now at least I know him well.)

Now at least I know I know him well.

Chorus:

Wasn't it good? (oh so good) Wasn't he fine? (oh so fine) 

Isn't it madness? He won't be mine?

Didn't I know how it would go?

If I knew from the start, why am I falling apart?

Wasn't it good? Wasn't he fine?

Isn't it madness? He won't be mine?

But in the end he needs a little bit more than me - 

More security (he needs his fantasy and freedom)

I know him so well.

It took time to understand him.

I know him so well.

Merry Christmas :)

Merry Christmas, my dear readers! I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas, I know I did. It was almost perfect: I got some amazing presents, I went to see "The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader", and I got to visit my friends Brittney, Alyssa, Lauren and Mark and give them their presents. Yes indeed, it was almost perfect. Why do I say "almost"? Well, it would have been completely perfect if I had been able to spend some time with Travis, but I suppose you can't always get everything you want, even on Christmas. Honestly, if I had to chose whether to spend the day with him or get 5 million amazing, awesome presents, I would rather spend the day with Travis. I suppose this need to see him so much is coming from the fact that I've only seen him once since school let out for break, which was about... 2 weeks ago, at least. I saw him yesterday when I dropped off his Christmas present at his house, and we got to talk for a little bit, but for me, it wasn't enough. I miss hanging out with him. I miss him.

Gosh, I really am pathetic, aren't I? I don't see or talk to him for two weeks, and I go completely insane. Yeah, I realize you're all probably thinking, "Well, if you miss him so much, why haven't you called him or anything?" Well, there's a couple of reasons for one, he doesn't get a lot of minutes on his phone, and the few times I've called him before, I've called him while he was with his friends or family, and since Christmas is mostly about family, I decided that I would give him space so he gets to spend time with his family, even though he isn't really fond of his family, especially his dad. Secondly, when we try to talk on the phone or online, our conversations often get stuck and we don't talk much, and honestly I prefer talking to him in person than over the phone. For me, that is the more preferable method for talking to someone, unless it can't be helped, like with Hannah, Khrys and Yamma. I have to talk to them on the phone or online because they live in Michigan and I can't see them in person. And, I also have this feeling that Travis needs some space from me right now. Don't ask me why, but that's just the feeling I have. So, I'm doing what I think is best for him and give him his space.

Anyway, enough about that. I've got a lot of fun things to expect in the coming new year. There's going to be the Chamber Singers choir tour in January, and then in February is All State :-) I've got a lot to look forward to, and I'm excited for a brand new year. I have decided that 2011 is going to be a better year than this year. Not that this year was terrible, but like I said before, it was just really weird, and I'm hoping for a not-so-weird year with 2011. Yes, every year has its ups and downs, but this year was just... well... weird, there's really no other word for it than that. But because I've got such good things to look forward to at the beginning of the new year, maybe the rest of it will be just as good. Here's to hoping.

Well, I guess I'll stop here for tonight. It's been a long day, but a good one :-) I hope you all had a very merry Christmas, I know I sure did. Good night, everyone!

Christmas Time

So yeah, Christmas is this Saturday. That should make me really happy, right? After all, Christmas is my favorite holiday, and December is my favorite month. But this year's different, for some reason. As I might have stated in my last update, I've been feeling depressed lately, and then of course, my dad has been without a job for about a month now, and on top of all of that, this semester in school has been... well, just really weird, and bad and all around not-so-good. In fact, this entire YEAR has been really weird. Yes, it's had its good moments, but it's mostly just been really weird and it's had a lot of bad moments.

I just don't understand it. Christmas is supposed to be the happiest time of the year, but I don't feel happy. I feel depressed, agitated, unhappy, and irritable. Everything seems to set me off, or make me sad or angry, and I really hate it. I think I have a couple ideas as to why this is happening, but they're such dumb reasons. It's things that shouldn't effect me, but for some reason they have; things that shouldn't bother me, but they do. I hate being like this, and I really hope that 2011 will be a much better year. I think I just need a fresh start, and a brand new year is just what the doctor ordered, and not just for mental health, but for my education and my spiritual health as well.

You see, I failed my math class. Sure, it was only a remedial class, so it's not going to show up on my transcript and it won't be able to transfer to another college after Lone Star, but the fact remains that I still failed it. And I got a C in my Ear Training/Sight Singing class, and that's mostly because Ear Training is such a freaking hard class, and we were learning a bunch of new stuff that I didn't really get until the end of the semester, but at that point I had still failed all of my quizzes in the class, so it didn't really matter by the time finals came around.

And to top it all off, my spiritual life has... well, basically been non-existent, so that has greatly increased my depression. I haven't been living the kind of life a true Christian should be living. I've made a lot of mistakes this Fall, and I'm not proud of that, because I know the consequences have really effected me in a way I didn't think they would, and not just me, but some of my good friends too. Like Yamma. When I told Yamma, she was really disappointed in me. She was so upset, and she couldn't believe I would do something like that. I haven't talked to Yamma since then, and it's been about 2 or 3 weeks since I told her. I'm scared to try and call her again, because I don't know how she's going to react to me. She says this hasn't changed how she sees me, but I know it has. She told me that I had really let her down and really disappointed her. Those words were like a knife through my heart. I originally thought she would take it better than she did, but I was horribly wrong. My other friends, like Brittney, Hannah and Khrys, all took it very well, and actually Brittney told me that she was proud of me.

When Brittney told me that, I felt extremely confused. How is it that 3 of my friends could take it so well, but Yamma took it so hard? And why did no one else seem to be angry and disappointed in me, but Yamma was? It didn't make any sense to me, and it still doesn't.

Well, I suppose that's enough for right now. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, and I'm hoping that I'll feel less depressed so I can enjoy my time with my family. Until next time, Merry Christmas, everyone :-)

Someone Like You

Here's a song sung by one of my favorite Broadway stars, Lea Salonga. Enjoy "Someone Like You" from the musical 'Jekyll and Hyde'

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2kY92t3HwpM

Cat Playing "I Spy"

Another funny talking cat video :-)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ltcWcwnPfY&feature=channel

Kitty is very BAD mystic

HAHAHA!!! :-D this video is HILARIOUS!!! Nothing is funnier than talking cats, so I hope you enjoy this :-)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bTbAsmPOKo

Circus

So I took a quiz one time about what my theme song should be and I got this. Quite frankly I agree, hahaha, it's totally my song.

I am not a big fan of Britney Spears, but then again I suppose there are very few people who are these days. However, there are at least 2 songs of her's that I like, and this is one of them. Not a big fan of the music video but the song is good, so whatever. And I apologize in advance for the stupid advertisement at the beginning -___- 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVhJ_A8XUgc

Late Night Ponderings

I should be asleep right now, but since I woke up so late this morning, I'm not really tired, at least not yet. So I guess I'll take this time to continue updating people on my life as it is these days. I just finished my finals for the semester and am now on my Winter Break, which is both a blessing and a curse. The blessing is that I'll be able to catch up on some very much needed sleep, but the curse is that I probably won't see Travis much this break. He's going to be busy being dragged around by his friends from high school who want to hang out with him, so I most likely won't be seeing him much, which is the exact opposite of what I was hoping for during this break. And that means I'm going to be bored for most of the break, because my other friends will probably be busy with family things (especially as it gets closer to Christmas and New Years) and... well, let me just say that I'm getting this feeling that my friends aren't too happy with me these days. I'm not exactly sure why, but it feels like my friends are avoiding me a lot lately, or really, it feels like I've done something that has made them want to stay away from me.

Now, I could be jumping to conclusions, but I think maybe some of it is because I'm dating Travis. A couple of my friends have told me that they don't really like Travis, that he's not a good choice for me, but they don't know him like I do. They don't see the Travis that I see. And I know my friends are just trying to look out for me and that they don't want me to get hurt or anything, but I'm not going to stop dating him just because my friends don't like him. It's not that I don't value my friends opinion, I really do, but this is my decision and I'm not going to break up with him just because some of my friends don't like him. My sister did that, and I'm going to try my best to not make the same mistakes she did. However, I now know that I'm still going to make some of her mistakes because I already have, but who I date is my decision, not my friends.

So, next week is Christmas and I haven't done ANY of my shopping and I have NO IDEA what to get anyone, especially my parents and Travis. I know that the only thing my mom and dad want is for dad to get a job, but I can't get them that. And I know the kinds of things that Travis likes (heavy metal music and computer/video games especially) but that stuff is so expensive and I have no idea what albums or games he already has, and I don't want to get him something he already has. And for some reason, I just haven't been able to get into the Christmas spirit this year. Honestly, I've been feeling really depressed lately. Nothing seems to make me happy. Being with Travis makes me happy and so does hanging out with my friends, but I won't be seeing much of Travis until school starts again and I don't see my friends a lot these days either, which makes me more depressed. I just hope this will go away soon, because I don't want to worry my friends and parents; they've all got enough problems without having to worry about me.

On a lighter topic, tomorrow my Sunday School college class will be having our Christmas party, and I'm looking forward to it, because I'll be hanging out with my friends and I won't have to worry about homework or having to go to school tomorrow. And I've got to go see Dr. Miller tomorrow afternoon some time to get advising for next semester (yeah, he's not happy with me for waiting so long this semester to get advising, but whatever.) Anyway, I'm tired now, so I better go to bed. Got a long day ahead of me tomorrow. Night, everyone.

I Walk Beside You

Travis played on his guitar and sang this song for me about a month ago :-) it was one of the most sweetest and most romantic things that's ever happened to me, and I wanted to share this song with all of you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S42r7EQ0lmw

An Actual Blog Post (for those of you who care to read)

So yeah, I'm sure some of you are getting annoyed with my only posting songs and not my actual thoughts. I mean, that's what a blog's for, right? For you to post your thoughts, your feelings, maybe poems and stories, but not so much songs, but then again, who's to say what is right or wrong? Anyway, I guess I'll try and give you an update on my life as it has been lately.

School is almost over for the semester. I've got 4 more finals to go (got 3 done this week) and I must say, this has been both a hard semester, a terrible semester, a good semester and a fantastic semester, all at once, and for different reasons. Math has been very difficult, and I'm not sure if I'll pass the class; my final exam will determine whether or not I'll have to take it again in the Spring. Ear Training has been challenging, but I've also learned a lot and I think it's good that I've been challenged by it, because I have grown a lot and become a better musician because of it. Ballet has had it's ups and downs; I don't like any of my classmates, with the exception of 4 girls who aren't completely full of themselves, but I have also grown a lot because of this class and I've learned a lot. I've become more confident in myself and in my ability to dance. My private voice lesson has been, as always, fun and challenging as well. Mr. Sloat always encourages me, but he also pushes me to become the best singer I can be. And last but not least, Chamber Singers. Oh my goodness, what fun I've had this semester! Yes, the music has been difficult at some points, but I've made so many new friends this semester because of choir that it makes me very glad I didn't go away to a big university after I graduated, because if I had, I wouldn't have met these amazing, awesome people.

And, of course, the love life. Well, it's been... different, to say the least, and when I say different, I mean different from the last relationship I was in. No, I'm not going to dig up the past and point fingers and start ranting and raving about what happened with Mark, that's not what I want to do. That chapter of my life is over, and I'm enjoying every minute of this new chapter. Yes, it's had it's hard moments, and at some times it hasn't been easy and it's made me question this decision of dating Travis. But I don't regret this choice, and I don't ever want to regret making it, even when this is over, which is going to happen, there's no doubt about that. The reason I say this is because it's true. The fact is, I'm going to be going away to another school, either next fall or the year after that, but the fact still stands. I'm not going to be here, in Kingwood, forever. And Travis and I both knew that when we decided to start this relationship, but we decided that we would take this chance and go for it anyway, even though we know it won't last.

It hurts to think about that, it hurts a lot. But I've decided something. I'm not going to worry about having a permanent relationship, not now, and not for a while probably. Right now, all I want is to have fun and to enjoy the happiness of being in relationships, even if they won't ever end in something like marriage. I'm not going to worry about marriage, not now. Not while I'm so young and have so many other things I want to do before thinking about settling down. And, for the time being, I'm going to try not to think about when my relationship with Travis is going to end. I don't want to think about that, at least, not for a while. Yes, it's going to happen, and I've accepted that, so I don't want to worry about it now. For now, I just want to enjoy being with him and enjoy his company.

Anyway, I think that's enough for today. I'm going to the Joyful Sound Christmas concert tonight, and quite possibly I'm going to be dragging Nathan and Travis with me :-) it's going to be a fun night. Well, until next time, peace out!

Tell Him

Continuing "My Life in Music" here's another song. This is one of my favorite Celine Dion songs, and another reason it's my favorite is because it's a duet with Celine Dion and my other favorite singer, Barbra Streisand. enjoy "Tell Him"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yjmb1P_5ey8

Since U Been Gone

Gotta love Kelly Clarkson :) and here's one of my favorite songs by her, and it also describes how I feel about my life right now. enjoy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7UrFYvl5TE

Blow, Blow, Thou Winter Wind (Chamber Singers)

Hey, everyone! Here's a video of my college choir singing a song from our Christmas concert. It's called, "Blow, Blow, Thou Winter Wind" from William Shakespeare's, 'As you like it'. enjoy :-)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xb5e610QEo0

Sorry, the video started a little late, so it missed a few words and stuff in the beginning.

I Know Him So Well

Chapter 2 in "My Life in Music" here's another song from another musical that I have yet to see, but I love this song. Anyway, enjoy.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bnjG1kUQtno

On My Own

Okay, so here's the thing. Life for me lately has been... interesting, to say the least, and all of my thoughts are a jumbled mess these days, so instead of writing everything out, I'm going to be posting songs that express my feelings and thoughts, at least for a while, until I can get my thoughts (and my life) back together again. so, for the mean time, enjoy the music :-)

This first one is from the musical "Les Miserables" I haven't seen the show yet, but I've heard this song before, and I love it. So, enjoy.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ci6kaJ8FNa4