Put On A Happy Face :-)

It's amazing how your life can make a complete 360 degree turn around in just a few days. The weekend just flew by so fast I can hardly believe that Monday is now over and that tomorrow is Tuesday... so crazy! Anyway, I'm doing A LOT better, like you have NO IDEA. For starters, Mark and I are talking again. He called me for the second time on Wednesday night, and talked for a long time, and now we're also starting to talk face-to-face at church now, which is nice although kind of awkward, although I suppose that's understandable. And to be honest, it's really nice to talk to him again :-) I have to admit, I miss him, and I don't just mean that I miss dating him. I miss hanging out with him, I miss talking to him... I guess what I miss the most is our friendship. All in all, things are definitely a lot better than how it was about a week ago, and that's tremendous progress for me. On Saturday I hung out with some of my friends from the college group at church, and Mark decided to come at the last minute. I was very proud and impressed with myself; I didn't try to ignore or avoid talking to him, and I could actually look him in the eye without feeling too much sadness... I say that because, deep down, there's still that sadness. I've accepted the fact that this hurt isn't going to go away completely overnight. It's going to take time, and I think everyone understands that. But at least I'm making progress, which is something I've desperately been needing.

As for the spiritual life it's better... not the best, nor is it how I really want it to be, but it's so much better now than it has been lately. I'm learning to trust God in every thing I do lately, whether it's having to sing for Master Class and I'm freaking out because I'm afraid I won't remember my words, or whether it's about trusting God that EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON, that He is going to bring me through this and that He just may have something better planned for me. Trust is something I've lacked a lot of in my relationship with God, because I like to know everything that's going on, and if I don't know what is happening then I start freaking out and getting anxious. But God has really shown me lately that if I'll just trust Him He'll help me and guide me. Strange how sometimes it's takes being at your very lowest point in life to really start to see God and to want to know Him more and be closer to Him... because, in all honestly, when you're at your lowest point, there's no one else you can go to except for God, and He'll always be there, ready to pull you back up onto your feet and whisper in your ear, "Try again... I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere." 

School is still driving me crazy. I have to perform for a recital on October 4 because, as a returning student, I should already have at least one song memorized for this semester (we are given 5 pieces of music to memorize during the semester) at least, that's what my voice teacher has been telling me. SO. I have to decide what song I'm going to sing and let me voice teacher know by tomorrow morning at my voice lesson, and I'm still undecided as to what to do! He told me I could do a piece that I had done in the Spring, so I may do that, just because I haven't memorized any of my new pieces yet (I'm ashamed to say this, but... I haven't memorized or learned any of my new pieces yet o_o) So there's that, and I've got my first test in Ballet tomorrow O_O I'm freaking out, because I don't really remember some of the terms for some of the barre moves, so I'm just gonna have to pray and really concentrate on what I'm doing tomorrow. And I also am still doing 'Johnny Be Good!' and that opens in about a month O_O We only have about four more weeks left of rehearsals, and some of our cast isn't doing a good job with memorizing lines or anything. The director, Ms. Janice, is REALLY stressing, and I don't blame her. This is her show (she's a Christian fiction author and she wrote the script for 'Johnny Be Good!' so this is like her child.) I had no idea being a stage manager would be so stressful (sigh) oh well, this will be good experience for me.

Speaking of drama, I'm also currently in a skit that my church's drama group is going. We're going to show it on Sunday after the sermon, and I'm REALLY excited for this for a number of reasons:

1. This is one of my first really serious dramatic roles. Even though it's not a full-fledged drama, it's still a really serious skit and my part is definitely not something I'm used to doing (I'm used to being in happy, sunny, funny musicals, and the only other serious drama I did was 'The Diary of Anne Frank' in which I played the part of Miep Gies. If you don't know who she is, or don't remember her, I suggest you go look her up on Wikipedia.)

and

2. This is such a powerful drama. It's got a message that will really speak to a lot of people, especially parents of college aged kids, like myself, or kids who have already graduated and are now living on their own. I don't want to give away too much, just in case anyone from church is reading this, but this is one Sunday you will NOT want to miss, so come see it! :-)

There's been one song that has really been playing on my MP3 player lately, and it's "Put On A Happy Face" from 'Bye, Bye, Birdie!' and it's sung by Dick van Dyke. You should find it on Youtube, it's really cheerful and peppy :-) Here are the lyrics:

Gray skies are gonna clear up, put on a happy face.

Brush off the clouds and cheer up, put on a happy face.

Take off the gloomy mask of tragedy, it's not your style.

You'll look so good that you'll be glad you decided to smile.

Pick out a pleasant outlook, stick out that noble chin.

Wipe off that full-of-doubt look, slap on a happy grin.

And spread sunshine all over the place, just put on a happy face.

Put on a happy face.

Put on a happy face.

And if you're feeling cross and bicker-ish, don't sit and whine.

Think of banana splits and licorice, and you'll feel fine.

I knew a girl so gloomy, she'd never laugh or sing.

She wouldn't listen to me, now she's a mean ol' thing.

So spread sunshine all over the place, just put on a happy face.

Well, it's late, and I have to get up semi-early in the morning. I have a paper due on Thursday for Ballet, and I've only written one sentence so far, so... yeah, I need to get up and start that tomorrow morning. Funny... I thought I had a lot more to say than just this... oh well, I think I'm just too tired to think anymore hahaha :-P goodnight, peeps!

On The Outside Looking In

Well, right now life doesn't look too promising, nor does my future look very bright. Oh sure, anyone on the outside probably thinks that I've got it all together; that my life is full of promise and good things. It sure appears that way. After all, I'm studying something I love (music) and I've got great friends, plus I'm involved in so many things outside of school, like helping with 'Johnny Be Good!' and my church's drama group. My home life is good, for the most part. I've got a family that loves and supports me in everything I do, and my parents both work so that I can have the best life possible. But if someone were to somehow get inside my head, even for a second, they would see what's really going on: a battle. I've been fighting this battle ever since the break up, and to be honest, I don't think I can win. It's hard; when I'm alone and not busy, not doing anything, I begin to hear a voice. Not audibly, just inside my head where only I can hear it. And it tells me things like:

"You're a monster, you're a terrible person."

"All you ever do is hurt people. No one will ever want to be with you."

"You don't deserve anyone to love you, because you're not good enough."

"There's no hope for you; no one could possibly ever love you, and if they did they would have to be mentally unstable and completely insane."

"You should just give up. Lock your heart away, and don't ever give it someone else ever again."

A few nights ago, I had an episode where all I kept hearing was that voice. I was in my car in the parking lot of a movie theater, waiting for my friends to meet up with me, and I just lay there, listening to the voice tell me these things over and over again and I felt like I couldn't move. I didn't want to do anything. All I wanted to do was just lay there and let the voice continue to speak. When my friends got back they were pretty freaked out with me just laying there and not responding. But after a while I managed to pull myself away from the voice and have a fun night with my friends, but I know that this is just the beginning. That voice is here to stay, and no matter what I do it's going to stay in the back of my mind, waiting until I'm all alone again and then...

Surprisingly it doesn't come out much at night when I'm alone. I guess because I mange to keep my mind busy, even before I go to bed (I've been watching movies at night in order to help me sleep lately) and since school has started I'm usually so tired by the time I go to bed that my mind isn't able to think much at all and the voice stays away, which is great because then I can at least get a decent night's sleep, something that I am lacking these days due to school.

You know what's weird? Being single is a lot harder now than it was before... And what's even worse is the fact that there's this part of me that is still hoping that maybe someday it will work out between us, but... no, I can't think like that. It's over. I have to keep reminding myself of that: what happened between us is over, period, and there's no going back now. The only problem with that is it kills me to think that way. It really does. Yes, true, there's someone else I'm kind of interested in right now, not going to lie, but I just can't see myself with someone else. Not now... and maybe, not ever.

You know that sinking feeling you get in your stomach when you find out something ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE? Something you just didn't want to know? Yeah, that's what I've got right now. I was trying to hold on to the little bit of hope that I had left; wishing, hoping, thinking maybe someday it will work out between us. And now? That's gone. Any and all hope that I had for us getting back together is completely non-existent now. And it's killing me, because now there's no hope for me anymore. I'm just not meant to be with someone, period, end of story. Hmm... the thought of becoming a nun is quite appealing now... Naw, that'll never happen either.

Well... now what do I do? That's the big question now. At the moment, all I want to do is cry... and... no, I won't say it, I'll get in trouble if I say that on here... So yeah, I'm not sure what to do now. My life sucks, officially. I have no idea where I'm going in life, I'm still suffering from a broken heart, the one guy I really like has moved on to someone new, and there's no Knight in Shinning Armor coming to rescue me... Can life suck anymore than this? I don't think it can.

"Never Again"

My new favorite song by Kelly Clarkson. This pretty much is where I'm at right now, because I'm pissed off and I'm hurting a lot.

Never Again

Verse 1:

I hope the ring you gave to her turns her finger green.

I hope when you're in bed with her, you think of me.

I would never wish bad things, but I don't wish you well.

Could you tell by the flames that burned your words?

I never read your letter, 'cause I knew what you'd say.

Give me that Sunday School answer, 

Try and make it all okay.

Chorus: 

Does it hurt to know I'll never be there?

Bet it sucks to see my face everywhere.

It was you who chose to end it like you did!

I was the last to know.

You knew exactly what you would do!

And don't say you simply lost your way!

She may believe you, but I never will!

Never again!

Verse 2:

If she really knows the truth, she deserves you.

A trophy wife, oh how cute.

Ignorance is bliss.

But when your day comes and he's through with you.

And he'll be through with you,

You'll die together but alone.

You wrote me in a letter, you couldn't say it right to my face.

Well give me that Sunday School answer,

Repent yourself away.

Chorus:

Does it hurt to know I'll never be there?

Bet it sucks to see my face everywhere.

It was you who chose to end it like you did!

I was the last to know.

You knew exactly what you would do!

And don't say you simply lost your way!

They may believe you, but I never will!

Never again!

Verse 3:

Never again will I hear you,

Never again will I miss you.

Never again will I fall to you,

Never.

Never again will I kiss you,

Never again will I want to.

Never again will I love you,

Never. 

Chorus:

Does it hurt to know I'll never be there?

Bet it sucks to see my face everywhere.

It was you who chose to end it like you did!

I was the last to know.

You knew exactly what you would do!

And don't say you simply lost your way!

They may believe you, but I never will!

I never will.

I never will!

Never again.

Life Unexpected

So it's been a while since my last post, and I can definitely tell you that life has both gotten better and worse. It's gotten better because on Monday night I talked to Mark for the first time since the break up. I talked to him on the phone, of course. Still don't know when or if I'll feel comfortable talking to him in person any time soon, but I say that talking to him on the phone was a HUGE step in moving on with life. Oh sure, I'll probably say "Hi" to him at church from now on, but as for having an actual conversation with him face-to-face, especially in public? That might take some time. We talked for a long time on Monday, although my cell phone kept dropping the call (a MAJOR pain in the neck) it was still a relatively good conversation. I say relatively because it wasn't the most fun or happy conversation we've ever had; it was pretty deep and very depressing for me, and at one point I started to cry, but eventually I got more comfortable with hearing his voice again (gosh, I really am pathetic, aren't I?) All in all, it was a good conversation.

Now for the worse part. To start off, school is killing me. It's only the end of the third week and I'm DIEING from all the homework I have! I don't remember having this much homework last Fall! ARRRGH! >_< Nor do I remember school being so stressful and leaving me completely exhausted. I swear I must be sleep deprived by this point; my sleeping schedule is non-existent now and when I do get sleep it never feels like I get enough, because I still wake up feeling exhausted and I go through the whole day continuing to feel exhausted. Some people would argue that I'm just too busy, that I'm trying to do more than I can handle, but that's not true. This isn't like in the Spring when I was doing 2 different shows at once, which REALLY made me tried, because this time I'm not doing a show... well, technically I am, I just don't have a part in it.

And to make it worse, I just found out the other day that this guy who I've been friends with since I did 'The Wizard of OZ' with Houston Family Arts Center (HFAC) wants to date me... but the problem is, he doesn't think it would work out. When I heard that, I thought "What the crap does he mean by that? Why wouldn't it work out?" So I thought about it, and the only thing that I can see why it wouldn't work out is because he lives in Katy, which is like on the other side of the world from where I live. That's the only reason I could think of. There might be more reasons that I'm not aware of, but I can't think of any others. And to be honest, it really annoyed the crap out of me because I had to hear this from another friend of mine, who is a mutual friend of me and the other guy. This is what I told my friend after he told me that this guy really likes me: "You know, it's really awesome that he likes me and wants to date me, but I'm definitely not ready for another relationship yet; I don't want to rebound on him... but if he really likes me, then he needs to MAN UP AND SAY SOMETHING!!!" Oh my gosh, you have NO IDEA how much it bugs me that guys will have a crush on a girl and really like them and want to date them, but they will NEVER SAY IT TO THE GIRL'S FACE!!! They won't come out with it and be real! My message to all you guys out there is this: Grow a spine, man up and SAY SOMETHING TO HER!!! She'll never know how you feel about her until you freaking say something! Yes, I realize you run the risk of being totally rejected or finding out that she already has a boyfriend, but if you want to date a girl and you really, truly like her, you need to come right out and say it to her face. Man up and say something, daggum it, or she will never know!

Well, now you know how I feel about that, onto less aggressive topics hahaha :P I've got a lot of homework to do this weekend, starting today. I've got 2 tests this week, and I have to sing in Master Class on Monday. On Tuesday I've got a test for Ballet on barre technique, and then on Wednesday I have a math test -__- oh joy (tired sigh) yeah, I've got a lot to do... Oh, and I'm currently working on a story :) It's a fairy tale. I've tried to write a fairy tale once before, but I dropped it because I couldn't figure out how to keep the plot moving along, so I'm hoping that this one will be better. Not sure when I'll have it finished (I'm currently still working on the first chapter. Yes, it's going to have more than one chapter, so just deal with it, k? :P) Anyway, I better stop here. I've got some Piano homework that is calling my name. Until next time :) later, peeps!

When Life Gives You Lemons, Demand For Chocolate Instead

Hahaha, sorry for the randomness of the title, but I couldn't think of anything else to put, and this is, in a nutshell, how I'm feeling these days. Well, the third week of school has arrived, and I'm already wishing for Winter Break. Life is about to get even more insane than usual, because starting tomorrow I have Johnny Be Good rehearsals every Monday and Thursday from 4:30 to 7, and also starting tomorrow is my Diction class... Lord, please help me to not die of boredom in this class. Amen.

A very strange thing has been happening to me lately, but this morning it was more noticeable, at least to me. I was eating some Cheerios for breakfast this morning before getting ready to go to church... the only problem is, I didn't finish the Cheerios. I couldn't finish them, for whatever strange reason. I've noticed lately that, when it comes to breakfast, or any meal for that matter, I haven't been able to eat a lot... which, for me, is strange, because food is awesome and I always make sure to eat enough to get me through the day. But lately, that has not been the case... which is not normal for me... which, honestly, is scaring me a little. Now, for clarification, for those of you out there that know about my past addiction (anorexia) no, I am not slipping back into my old habits, so do not fear. But all the same, it's scaring me.

I hesitate to say this, but... I'm wondering if it's because of ballet? I don't know; I've only been taking the class for... what, two weeks now? And yes, I've noticed that I've lost some weight (but I'm also gaining muscle, which is good) but I'm wondering if my not being able to eat much is in any way, shape, or form tied to doing ballet? I don't think so, because I don't see a connection, but still... I wonder...

And no, it's not because of the break up with Mark. That has nothing to do with this (although, yes, I will admit, during the first few days I could hardly eat anything because I was so depressed) but it's not like that anymore. This really is starting to kind of freak me out... I guess I'll just monitoring it, and if it gets really bad (which, honestly if I start to lose anymore weight, I think people will start to notice and someone will eventually say something, so I don't think it could get really bad before someone would bring it to my attention.)

Another new update. I finally replied to Mark's email. It took me the whole week to think of what I should/would say. I sent it on Friday... and got a reply back this morning at 12:31 AM. I don't know if I will reply to this one... quite honestly, I think we need to start talking in person. I know that sounds weird, especially coming from me who, at this point, still doesn't feel like talking to him, but I think we need to. It's getting to the point where it feels more like we're business partners instead of two people who just recently dated and even more recently just broke up... two people who are in pain and are hurting because of what happened between us. It's hard for me to honestly say if he's hurting, because he seems perfectly fine on the outside... of course, then again, so do I. I am an actress, after all. He tells me he is, so I'll just have to believe him and accept the fact that this is hurting him just as much as it's hurting me... even if that seems like the farthest thing from the truth.

I wanted to cry when I read the latest reply. I wanted to cry from pain, hurt, anger and confusion... I'm just a big ball of confused and jumbled emotions right now. I don't even know how I feel about this anymore, because my emotions are so intertwined that I can't tell them apart. And it SUCKS. And, to top it all of, I'm freaking EXHAUSTED. Math homework is going to be the death of me, and then I've got all this other homework. It's mostly just a pain right now because A. It's only the third week of school, and I just haven't totally gotten into the swing of a normal routine yet, and 2. I'm going through so much drama right now, and it's making me emotionally tired, which then makes me physically tired. I'm not only a big ball of confused and jumbled emotions, I'm also a sleep deprived ball of confused and jumbled emotions... that's the worse position to be in, I think.

Anyway, it's almost midnight, and I still haven't done my devotional yet... and I have to be up by 6 so I can get to tutoring at 8... tomorrow is going to ABSOLUTELY SUCK. Just saying. Good night, peeps.

"Don't Waste Your Time"

This is another Kelly Clarkson song. I think it fits perfectly with the situation I've been in for about, oh... almost a month now? So yeah...

"Don't Waste Your Time"

It's over, it's over, it's over!

Verse 1:

It seems you can't hear me,

When I open my mouth you never listen.

You say stay, but what does that mean?

Do you think I honestly wanna be reminded

Forever?

Chorus:

Don't waste your time trying to fix

What I wanna erase, what I need to forget.

Don't waste your time on me, my "friend."

"Friend" what does that even mean?

I don't want your hand, you'll only pull me down.

So save your breath, don't waste your song

On me, on me.

Don't waste your time.

Verse 2:

It's not easy not answering

Every time I wanna to talk to you,

But I can't.

If you only knew

The hell I put myself through,

Replaying memories in my head

Of you and I every night.

Chorus:

Don't waste your time trying to fix

What I wanna erase, what I need to forget.

Don't waste your time on me, my "friend."

"Friend" what does that even mean?

I don't want your hand, you'll only pull me down.

So save your breath, don't waste your song

On me, on me.

Don't waste your time.

Verse 3:

And you call, and you talk, and you try and

Try to get in.

But it's over, it's over, it's over...

"Friend."

Chorus:

Don't waste your time trying to fix,

And so save your breath, don't waste your song

On me, on me.

Don't waste your time.

You held me, you felt me, you left me.

But it's over, it's over, it's over!

You touched me, you had me,

But it's over, it's over, it's over,

My "friend."

Don't waste my time.

Promise in a Sunset

Today as I was driving home from drama practice at church, I couldn't help but notice the absolutely beautiful sunset. I've been seeing a lot of beautiful sunsets lately, and if there's anything that God is trying to tell me at the point in my life, it's simply this: "I will never leave you. I will never turn you away. I will never reject you, or push you away, and I love you more than any man in this world could ever love you." I had an unbelievable moment on Sunday night. I was lying in bed, just feeling completely broken, unloved and in extreme emotional pain, and I started praying. I prayed, begged and cried to God to take me back, to love me again, because I know I've sinned against Him in such a horrible way, and lately I haven't exactly been doing the things I should do, like reading my Bible daily, so I was just feeling completely worthless, useless, and guilty, on top of everything else I was already feeling. I don't think I've cried so much since the night Mark broke up with me; I was sobbing quietly, not wanting my grandma or mom to hear me, but I felt like my heart was being ripped in two (strangely similar to the feeling I felt the night we broke up.)

And then... my crying began to quiet down. At first I thought it was because I had just tired myself out from crying so hard, but then I began to feel so... peaceful. I felt this warmth emanating from within my body, and it felt so good... so calming, so reassuring. Call me crazy, I really don't care, but I believe that was God. God was there with me, calming me and reassuring me. I felt so at peace, it was unbelievable. And I heard it:

"I will always take you back. I love you. And I will never leave you or hurt you or reject you. I love you."

That was the most wonderful thing I'd ever heard, because I honestly feel like I'm going to be forever rejected by every guy I ever care about; I feel condemned to a life of always being rejected and never being good enough for any guy. But then, God reminded me that He will NEVER leave me; He will always accept me and He will always take me just as I am. I don't have to change who I am for Him. And even when I fail Him and am unfaithful to Him,which happens all the time, not going to lie... in other words, I am a spiritual whore, always leaving my True Love to go chasing after something "better." But He has been and will always be faithful to me. He won't ever leave me, He loves me more than I can comprehend. Funny how I'm just now starting to learn this, and I've been a Christian for a little over a year now (my spiritual birthday is February 1, 2009 :) 

 Well, it's late, and I told myself that I would go to bed "early" tonight (lately I haven't been going to bed until 12:30/1 in the morning, so 11:30 is considered "early" to me right now) I just really wanted to share that with you, my dear readers, and I hope that my testimony and story will give you hope, especially if you're in a painful situation like I am. Good night! :)

"Haunted"

once again, another Kelly Clarkson song.

Verse 1:

Louder, louder, 

The voices in my head

Whispers taunting 

All the things you said. 

Faster the days go by and I'm still

Stuck in this moment of wanting you here.

Time.

In the blink of an eye,

You held my hand, you held me tight.

Now you're gone and I'm still crying,

Shocked, broken, I'm dying inside.

Chorus:

Where are you?

I need you.

Don't leave me here on my own.

Speak to me,

Be near me,

I can't survive unless I know you're with me.

Verse 2:

Shadows linger only to my eye;

I see you, I feel you,

Don't leave my side.

It's not fair, just when I found my world,

They took you, they broke you, they tore out your heart.

I miss you, you hurt me, you left with a smile.

Mistaken, your sadness was hiding inside.

Now all that's left is are the pieces to find,

The mystery you kept, the soul behind the guise.

Chorus:

Where are you?

I need you.

Don't leave me here on my own.

Speak to me,

Be near me,

I can't survive unless I know you're with me.

Verse 3:

Why did you go?

All these questions run through my mind.

I wish I couldn't feel at all.

Let me be numb,

I'm starting to fall.

Chorus: 

Where are you?

I need you.

Don't leave me here on my own.

Speak to me,

Be near me,

I can't survive unless I know you're with me.

Where are you?

Where are you?

You were smiling.

You were smiling.

You were smiling.

"How I Feel"

Another Kelly Clarkson song. enjoy

"How I Feel"

Verse 1:

Looks like I made a mess again,

Heartbreak everywhere I step.

This fire is gettin' hot again,

But I touch the flame 'cause I'm a curious cat.

Creeping where I don't belong,

Finding out what I knew all along.

Crying all alone,

And it's all my fault, all my fault.

Yeah, I did it again... again.

Chorus:

Oh, I'm getting tired of believing.

Even sicker of pretending

That it's not so bad, just wait it out.

Oh, I think you're feeding me lies again.

The only good man left wasn't him, 

And that's how I feel right now, 

So just let me be.

Let me be.

Verse 2: 

It seems every time I find a good man,

He's got a good little wife. 

I'm not jealous, but I won't lie 

I don't wanna hear about your wonderful life!

And babies everywhere I look,

Trophy wives with their little black books.

At this rate, I'm gonna end up alone,

It's probably all my fault, all my fault.

Oh, another dead end... again.

Chorus: 

Oh, I'm getting tired of believing.

Even sicker of pretending

That it's not so bad, just wait it out.

Oh, I think you're feeding me lies again.

The only good man left wasn't him, 

And that's how I feel right now. 

Verse 3:

Bitter pill that I've swallowed.

Just how low can my heart sink? 

Fairy tales from so long ago,

Save them for someone that's not smart enough to know.

Chorus:

'Cause I, I'm getting tired of believing.

I'm through pretending.

Yeah, I'm broken and sad, so I'll sit this one out. 

Oh, I think you're feeding me lies again.

The only good man left wasn't him,

And that's how I feel right now.

How I feel right now.

How I feel right now.

How I feel right now.

Let me be.

How I feel right now.

How I feel right now.

How I feel right now.

Let me be.

"Maybe"

Some lyrics from a song by Kelly Clarkson. my next few posts will only be the lyrics from a couple of Kelly Clarkson songs that just really describe what I'm going through right now.

"Maybe"

Verse 1:

I'm strong, but I break.

I'm stubborn, and I make plenty of mistakes.

Yeah I'm hard, and life with me is never easy;

To figure out, to love,

I'm jaded but oh so lovely.

All you have to do is hold me, 

And you'll know and you'll see just how sweet it can be

If you'll trust me, love me, let me

Maybe, maybe. 

Verse 2:

Someday,

When we're at the same place,

When we're on the same road. 

When it's okay to hold my hand without feeling lost,

Without all the excuses.

When it's just because you love me, you let me, you need me,

Then maybe, maybe.

All you have to do is hold me, 

And you'll know and you'll see just how sweet it can be 

If you'll trust me, love me, let me,

Maybe, maybe.

Verse 2:

I'm confusing as hell.

I'm north and south,

And I'll probably never have it all figured out. 

But what I know is I wasn't meant to walk this world 

Without you.

And I promise I'll try,

Yeah I'm gonna give you every little part of me,

Every single detail you missed with your eyes. 

Then maybe.

Maybe, yeah maybe.

Yeah maybe, maybe, yeah maybe, maybe.

Verse 3:

One day we'll meet again, 

And you'll need me, you'll see me completely, every little bit.

Oh yeah, maybe you'll love me, you'll love me then.

I don't want to be tough,

And I don't want to be proud.

I don't need to be fixed, 

And I certainly don't need to be found.

I'm not lost,

I need to be loved.

I just need to be loved.

I just want to be loved by you, and I won't stop,

'Cause I believe that maybe, yeah maybe. 

Maybe, yeah maybe. 

Maybe, yeah maybe.

Maybe. 

Maybe.

I should know better than to touch the fire twice,

But I'm thinking maybe, yeah maybe you're mine.

Maybe, love, maybe. 

Smile and make them think you're okay...

I got an email from Mark last night. Well, actually, more like this morning because he sent it to me at 1 in the morning. At first, I was furious; how DARE he try to contact me through something so impersonal?! That's almost as bad as trying to say something really important and personal over a text message! And to be honest, I really didn't want to read it at first. I wanted nothing more to do with this, and I didn't want to hear anything he had to say to me. But... somehow, I just couldn't ignore him. I wanted to know what he had to say, even if his words would be painful.

I don't want to reveal what the message said; that is personal, and even though we aren't dating anymore, I still feel that any communication between Mark and I shouldn't be posted in some blog. It's between the two of us, and honestly, I feel that by my posting anything he said in the email onto my blog would break whatever trust we have left. All I will say is that when I read it, I had a wave of mixed emotions overpower me. At the moment, all I feel is emotionally drained. It's hard to describe exactly how I'm feeling after reading that email, because it's just a mixture of EVERYTHING: happy, sad, hurt, angry, confused, everything you can think of, and it's making me tired. And I can't be tired, I've got a lot to get done today.

I don't know if I will respond to the email, at least, not any time soon, not right away. I might in time, but I don't really know what I would say. And he doesn't expect me to respond right away either, so that takes away some pressure. But honestly, I don't know what I would say to him. Oh sure, I've got a lot I could say, and a lot I probably should say, but... I don't know if I want to. I feel that everything I needed to say has been said already, and that there's really nothing more for me to say to him, but I know I'm wrong. There's A LOT I need to say to him, a lot that he needs to know. And maybe at some point this week I'll be brave enough and strong enough to reply to that email, but until then...

This is crazy... I keep reading it! I keep going back and reading the freakin' thing! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!?!? Sorry for the language, but this is driving me insane... er! I don't know what to do! Half of me is pissed off at him and wishes he would go die in a ditch! But... the other half of me, the half that can never be angry with him, wants more than anything for things to go back to the way they were; me being the happiest I've ever been and knowing that someone really, truly cares about me.

So... this is reality. This is the real world: Pain is real, you do get your heart broken, people do reject you, you're never going to be good enough for anyone, and time isn't always on your side. That's what I'm discovering these days. No one ever tells you about these things; when your parents are teaching you your ABC's, your 123's and your colors, they forget to mention all the bad things that life has to give you: pain, heartache, rejection, loss, failure and depression. They never tell you about those things, the things that no one is exempt from in life, no matter how "good" of a person you are.

Honestly, I think it was very brave of him to send me that email. He has guts, let me tell you, especially since I think he knows just how much I would LOVE to slap him, or do something not-so-nice to his car. He's very brave for trying to reach out to me again, since to be honest, I didn't think he would actually try. I know that sounds terrible and demeaning to his character, because Mark really is an amazing guy, but... I really didn't think he would try to contact me first. Maybe he really does care about me... I know, I know, I shouldn't be thinking that way, because I shouldn't be giving myself false hope. But I think I always knew he really did care about me, especially while we were dating. It's funny... how now that we broke up I'm just now starting to realize how much he did care about me... and how much I really did care about him. Strange how life works that way sometimes; you have to lose that one special thing before you can fully understand how much it meant to you.

It's weird... I'm interested in two other guys right now (besides Mark), but I don't know if dating either one of them would ever work out. I say that because

1. One of them I don't know very well, so I'd rather actually get to know him better (and actually talk to in person) before I make any decision on whether he is a worthy candidate for dating.

2. The other... well, let's just say... it would be awkward.

And, quite honestly, I don't know if either of them fit my standards... of course, my standards for dating a guy are RIDICULOUSLY high, almost to the point of being non-realistic, so there's no way that any guy out there could ever fit my standards. And I hesitate to think about lowering them, because everyone tells me that I shouldn't do that, but... they're too high, too high for any guy to ever reach. So... why not? I know that's disrespectful to myself, because I should only want the best for myself, but if it's not possible for any guy to meet my standards, then I might as well become a nun and forget about finding true love. Or just lowering my standards to a more realistic level and then just... I hate to use this word... settle. After all, no one is perfect, and I don't expect the guy I marry to be perfect either, but... he doesn't have to be perfect. He just has to be perfect for me. He should fit like a glove, be my other half. But... there's no one out there like that. Not anymore. Well, there is, but we're not dating anymore.

And so, dear blog readers, I bid you farewell... until my next post.

Don't Waste Your Time... What I really mean is, "Please rescue me"

So... I saw him again today. Yep, I went to church and low and behold, there he was. And in that moment, it really sucked to be me. It's weird... it's been a little more than two weeks, and I told him that I would need at least two weeks before I would feel I could talk to him again. It's been two weeks... and I still can't talk to him. Heck, I can't even bring myself to look at him, for Pete's sake!!! IT'S ANNOYING AS HECK!!!!!!!!!! But... I just can't do it. I can't look at him, and I certainly can't talk to him. I had thought that two weeks would give me plenty of time to get over him, but obviously not. Here's how I see it: I've literally been on detox from him for two weeks (meaning no communication, not talking, no hanging out, zip, zero, nothing that involves him or being around him) and now that school has started I've been able to keep myself busy and occupied so much to the point where I have no time to think about him or our relationship. BUT THEN! I come to church on Sunday, and he's there! AND I CAN'T ESCAPE HIM!!! I can't stop going to Woodridge and I can't go to another church, because Woodridge is my home, and besides I shouldn't have to go to different church just because he's there.

I'm just hurting. I can't talk to him because I'm still hurting, and I can't stand to see him being so happy because that means that's he's perfectly fine without me... he never needed me, and he never will. I know that sounds very selfish of me, but it's true. He never needed me. He doesn't need me to be happy, because I never could make him happy, not genuinely, truly happy. He's moved on now, and me? Sure, I've moved on somewhat, but if anyone were to ask me if I was okay (which a lot of people are doing these days) and if I were to answer them honestly (which, truth be told, I really don't) I wouldn't be able to say "I'm okay" or "I'm getting better" because honestly, I'm not. I mean, I'm not getting worse, but I'm also not getting better. I'm just here, just simply existing. And I don't like it, but I've got nowhere else to go. I'm stuck; not getting better, but not getting worse. I wish this would be easier. It's been a lot harder than I thought it would be; trying to forget him, pick up the pieces and move on, and I don't anticipate it getting much better any time soon.

My friend Italia just reminded me of something: "don't expect too much to happen in such a small time frame. two weeks really isn't that long" I love Italia. She is always there for me, and she will always help me to take things into perspective. And I know she's right; two weeks really isn't a long time, and I shouldn't be expecting so much of myself. I mean, for goodness sake, I've been hurt by someone I really care about, and I'm expecting myself to be absolutely okay with everything and move on, which is just completely unrealistic. I didn't think it would be this hard, but obviously he hurt me more than I realized, which means that I liked him a lot more than I originally planned on. Therefore, that means it will take a lot longer than I expected to get over him. Part of me is still hopeful that someday, years from now, it will work out between us. I don't really know of anyone right now that I'd rather be in a relationship with, but then again I've only been in this one relationship, so maybe there's someone out there who is better for me. I can't think of anyone because I don't know any other guys, but maybe, just maybe...

I had a dream about him the other night. I was talking on my land-line to someone (don't remember who) and all of a sudden another call beeps in. I look at the caller ID and it says, "Harris, David". I sigh irritatedly, and ask the person on the phone if I can call them back later. I go over to the other line and you know what he says?

"I just wanted to say hi."

Well... even though it was a dream, what do you say to that kind of statement? In my dream I remained silent; I didn't say anything, but all the while I was thinking "... Really? Really??? What... the... crap? What does he want? Why is he calling me?" I never did say anything, because I woke up. Truth be told, I was actually really surprised when he didn't try to talk to me this morning. I had told him I didn't want to talk to him for two weeks and now that those two weeks are over, I figured he'd be trying to talk to me. But he didn't, which greatly surprised me... and it was also something I greatly appreciated, because I think he could tell that I'm just not ready to talk again yet. That was one of the great things about him, he could always tell when something was wrong with me. You know what? I was thinking about this today... if he really wants to talk to me, then he can make the first move. I'm not going to. I'm not going to be the first one to start this again, because he started this, he ended this, and now if he wants our friendship back, he can start it again. But if he's expecting me to be the one to call him, he's dead wrong. If he really wants us to be friends again, if he really values our friendship, then he can be the one to make the first move.

So, we'll see how next Sunday goes. I don't know... this is definitely going to take longer than I thought it would. And part of the reason why I'm afraid to start talking to him again is because I know that our friendship will never be the same again. It will never be able to go back to the way it was before we started dating, and that scares me. It scares me because I'm afraid that once we go back to being friends, I'm afraid that my feelings for him will come back, maybe stronger than before. And no matter what I try to convince myself of, part of me thinks that he will never want to date me again. I know that shouldn't bother me, but it does. What if he is suppose to be "The One"? What if? I know that's a crazy thing to think , especially since we just broke up and there's not likely to be any point where we want to date again, but still... And then there's part of me that just wants to tell him "Don't get your hopes up" because if he does want us to date again in the future, I honestly don't know if I would want to date him again, because of the hell he put me through in this break up. I'm so conflicted; I'm hoping we will date again, but I'm also trying to prepare myself for the possibility that that may never happen, that he may find someone else or I may find someone else (not likely on my part, but you never know I guess.)

On the outside, I may seem fine to everyone, but really I'm still broken and hurting on the inside. I may seem confident in myself, but I'm just a scared little girl on the inside, wanting to be rescued. I may seem angry and furious and bitter, but I'm just trying to cover up the fact that I've been hurt so deeply by the one person who I thought really cared about me. I try to act like it doesn't bother me to see him, that I'm moving on and that I'm fine, but that is so far from the truth. I may be wanting to slap him on the outside, but on the inside... I just want him to take me in his arms again, to feel safe and protected. I may seem calm and collected on the outside, but on the inside I'm crying buckets of tears. I may appear to be getting better, but I'm not. It may look like my heart is healing, but really it's still very raw with pain. I try to hope for the future, that someday my Prince Charming will come, but honestly I still wish and wonder if my Prince Charming already came, but that he has rejected me because I'm not his Cinderella.

And so, my dear readers, to sum up everything: I am conflicted about my emotions. Very much so, actually. Because emotions can be terrible, horrible little demons that love to lead you astray. Demons that love to watch you fall for somebody, then watch you suffer through agonizing heartache and then try to confuse you as to what you really feel for that person. I suppose what they say is true, "Only time will tell" but what if time is not on my side?

"When life's unfair, when things like "us" are not to be... Love heals."

I think it's safe to say that I have a new theme song. Sure, "Take Me or Leave Me" is still a main theme in my life, but the one song that has really brought me comfort and healing lately has been the song "Love Heals." I guess it's because the song has such a redeeming message; that no matter what happens to you in life, love is always the key to healing. And I can honestly say from this experience that it's true: love really does heal the heart. And that includes all forms of love; love of friends, love of family, and the love of God especially. It's amazing how in only two weeks you can go from being depressed, sad, lonely, angry, bitter, furious and wanting to kill the jerk who hurt you, to being happy, and loving your life again. I think mostly it's because I've had zero communication with him in two weeks, and that has helped a lot more than I thought it would. Oh yeah, the first few days it was hard to resist the urge to call him, text him or drive up to the church to see if he was working, but I did resist. And I'm so glad I did. I think that if I had tried to talk to him any sooner, it would have hindered my process of moving on.

And now, tomorrow I'll be seeing him again. Part of me is afraid that he's going to try to talk to me, and I don't know if I'm ready for that or not yet. Heck, I don't know if I'm ready to even look him in the eyes yet. Yes, I realize that eventually I'll have to talk to him again, and that I'll have to look at him, but... that's going to be hard. Anything that involves being around him is going to be hard for a while, but I know that it will all have to happen at some point. At some point, I'll have to face him; I'll have to look him in the eyes. And hopefully when I do, I won't have a wave of emotions and memories overcome me, because I really do just want to put it in the past and move on. That won't be easy, nor will it happen overnight, I know that. But eventually I want to be able to have all of this in the past, and just be able to be friends with him again. Easier said than does, especially if I find out that, in time, I still have feelings for him. Which is quite possible, I'm not going to lie. I really did like him, even if he doesn't believe that.

I'm still trying to accept the fact that Mark and I will probably not date again. Yes, I know that with time comes changes, and in time people change, but I'm also trying to accept the fact that neither of us may never change, and therefore we may never date again. It's sad to think that, because I think we had something really special... but this is what he wanted, so this is what he gets. I didn't want this to end, and I think that's obvious to everyone, but it's his decision, so I'll just have to deal with it and not let it keep me from living my life... or let it affect me from having relationships with other guys. That's something else that makes me excited to be single again; I get to meet new guys ;) Since the break up, I've gotten this strange confidence when it comes to being around guys, and now flirting is becoming somewhat natural. It's so weird. I've never felt confident around guys before, but now I feel comfortable with myself and my appearance, something I've never really felt before. Who would've thought that the key to being confident in the way I look was in being rejected?

So, something really wonderful happened yesterday :) I was talking to my new friend Taylor on Facebook chat, and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, he says, "By the way, I forgot to tell you, but you're very pretty :)" OMG!!! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HAPPY THAT MADE ME?!?! That totally made my day! See, I wish all guys could be like him :) he's so sweet, even if he is a little shy, and he's nice. I hope I get to know him a little more, and I hope that I don't scare him away when he finds out that I'm a Thespian and love anything Broadway related. And I do hope that at some point this semester I can talk to him face-to-face. I mean, Facebook chat is nice (when it's not being evil, which is most of the time) but nothing beats an actual conversation with someone.

Not much has really been happening lately; I survived the first week of school, and I've got a boatload of homework that has to be done by Monday (even though it's Labor Day weekend and I don't have school on Monday, I want to have everything done by Monday so I don't have to worry about it on Tuesday.) Oh, and I've found a new manga to read! Brittney introduced me to this manga called "Absolute Boyfriend" and I guess it's true what they say: Boys in books ARE better! :D hahaha! Yes, there are two HOTTIES in this manga, but I personally like Soshi, one of the main characters (so yeah, it's official: I like Nerds. Call me crazy, but I have discovered that that is the kind of guys I like. I suppose it's because I'm really a Nerd on the inside :P) Anyway, I've got to go. Got a lot of homework to do tonight. Later, peeps! :)

"Love Heals"

This is the lyrics to the song "Love Heals" from 'Rent' :) enjoy!

Verse 1:
Like a breath of midnight air,
Like a lighthouse, like a prayer.
Like the flicker and the flare, the sky reveals.
Like a walk along the shore
That you've walked a thousand times before,
Like the ocean's roar,
Love heals.

Verse 2:
There are those who shield their hearts,
Those who quit before they start.
Who've frozen up the part of them that feels (don't freeze your heart.)
In the dark they've lost their sight,
Like a ship without a star in the night,
But hold on tight.

Chorus:
Love heals.
When you feel like you can't go on, love heals.
Hold onto love, it'll keep you strong.
Love heals.
When you feel like you can't go on, love heals.
Hold onto love and it will bring you home.

Verse 3:
Love heals when pain's too much to bear.
When you reach out your hand and only the wind is there.
When life's unfair,
When things like "us" are not to be.
Love heals when you feel so small.
Like a grain of sand, like nothing at all.
When you look out at the sea,
That's where love will be.
That's where you'll find me,
You'll find me.

Verse 4:
If you fear the storm ahead, as you lie awake in bed.
And there's no one, no one there to stroke your hand,
And your mind reels.
If your face is salty wet,
And you're drowning in regret, just don't forget.

Chorus:
Love heals.
When you feel like you can't go on, love heals.
Love's gonna carry you home.
Love heals.
When you feel like you can't go on, love heals.
Hold onto love and it will lead you home.
Love heals.

Stalkers, Ballet and 'Rent'

So, I've got a lot to talk about. First of all, I have a "stalker." Well... sort of. Let me start from the beginning. I was at school on Tuesday and I went to the library to get on Facebook. I was on there for about 30 minutes when out of nowhere a message appears in my inbox. Now, that's not exactly something unusual, since lately I've been talking to some of my friends via FB mail, so I figured it was either one of them or the choir director at my church. So I went to my inbox, and was greatly surprised to find a message from a guy that I didn't know. This, of course, caught me completely off guard, mostly because it was from a guy that wasn't my friend on FB, a complete stranger. That alone would have made most people automatically delete the message, but not me. I opened it up... and was, once again, very surprised. Basically the message said that he had seen me around campus and that he knew I was an interesting person, but that it was too difficult for him to approach me. He said that he knew I was on Facebook, so he looked me up and he was right; I was a very interesting and fun person, cause we had a lot in common. He said he was sorry that he had to contact me through Facebook, but that he wasn't very brave, so would I be his friend?

Well... what do you say to something like that? And the funny thing is I remember seeing him on campus before, so I recognized him when I saw his profile picture. But what I don't get is how he knew my name? I already checked his profile and looked to see if he is friends with anyone who is also friends with me, but he didn't have any. So it's got me completely dumb-founded... how did he know my name? Did someone who knows me tell him? I talked to Nick about it, and he said, "You have a stalker" which made me laugh, but also made me wonder...

I accepted Taylor's friend request, of course. He seems like a decent, nice guy who really does just want to be friends. And he's my age (his birthday is in June, so that makes me a month older than him, but whatever) and we do seem to have a lot in common. I have yet to actually talk to him face-to-face, but I saw him this afternoon on campus, and we waved to each other. Then I saw him again in the gym when I was on my way to ballet, and we said hi, but that was it (for one, I was in a hurry to get changed for class, and he was talking to a friend of his, so we both were busy at the time.) I would love the chance to get to talk to him in person, but I don't know. Obviously, we both have different class schedules, but I might see him around the fitness center, since he's taking a karate class. And then, when I got on Facebook we started talking on chat, and it turns out we do have some things in common; he likes anime, and so do I. I just hope that I don't scare him off, like I seem to do with every other guy who comes into my life (with the exception of my friend Robert, and Nick.)

Today was my first official day of Ballet class. I went this morning with my mom to a dance store in Kingwood called Fouette and bought my leotard, tights and shoes. The leotard is black (YAY!!! :D) and the tights are pink (eh... not my favorite color, because it doesn't usually look good on me, but at least the pink isn't super bright, it's more of a pastel pink) and my shoes are pink. When I went to the changing room and put the whole outfit on, I, honestly, felt very exposed; it felt like I wasn't wearing anything O_o but I sure did look cute in it! :) And for once I felt somewhat graceful, which is something new to me. We did a lot of stretches, and did a few basic positions and that was it for the day, but I can already tell that this is going to be my favorite class this semester :)

I've been listening to my 'Rent' CD a lot lately. For one, I have several favorite songs on there that are just the most fun to sing along and dance to, like "Out Tonight", "Take Me or Leave Me", and "La Vie Boheme" and they put me in a good mood (especially "Out Tonight". Man, I love that song! If I were singing karaoke, I would definitely want to sing that song :D) The thing about 'Rent' is, for me personally, I didn't really like the movie, but I LOVE the music (that's how I am with 'Sweeney Todd' too; didn't like the movie, but loved the music.) Anyway, I would love to talk more about 'Rent' and its awesomeness, but Robert has been trying to call my landline, so I need to get off the computer and call him back. Until next time :) Later, peeps!

Take Me or Leave Me

"Take me for what I am, who I was meant to be. And if you give a d***, take me, baby, or leave me! Take me, baby, or leave me!"

Yeah, that's pretty much my theme song right now. And granted, it's been almost two weeks since it happened, but that's still how I feel. And that goes for every other guy out there who may want to date me: You can either take me as I am, or you can leave me. There's really no other option. I'm doing a lot better these days. Mostly I guess that's because school has started, and therefore I don't have a lot of time to think about it, or him for that matter. And I'm not as depressed as I was, which is great because being depressed was no fun. Now I'm just... here. I can't say for sure if I'm content or not, nor can I say if I'm genuinely, truly happy with my life right now, because I'm not. But I'm not really angry anymore... not really. Oh yeah, sure there's still some anger, but it's not so intense that I want to go and slash his tires. It's mostly just anger about the way he went about ending this.

I wish this has ended differently. I mean, the break up. If this is what he wanted all along, he should have just told me, instead of prolonging this and making me think that he still really liked me. Sure, he said that he still does like me, but I'm not so sure. That's where, to me, the whole action of us breaking up is completely illogical. You don't break up with someone, but say that you still really like them. Maybe I'm just crazy for thinking that. Maybe that's how it's done today; you break up with someone, but you still have feelings for them. That's what I still don't understand, and I may never understand it. But, that's in the past now. I have to keep moving forward; pick up the pieces and go on with life, and pray that my Prince Charming is still out there somewhere, waiting. Sorry for the cheesiness of that statement, but that's what I still believe... I have to believe it, otherwise I have nothing else to hope for in the future.

To be perfectly honest, I think I still have feelings for him. It's hard to be sure if I do or not, because I haven't talked to him or seen him, so as to whether or not my feelings for him are still there, I don't know. And I don't know if I will have those same feelings for him by this time next month, or next year, or even five years down the road. Who knows? Maybe by next year I'll have found someone new, but I doubt it. I don't know when I'll feel ready to date someone else. I may not even date again until I'm completely out of college, just because (as I've already discovered) it's hard to date someone while you're both in college, especially when you both go to different schools. But who knows? I sure don't. I'm just going to leave it up to God... easier said than done, of course, but I'm going to try to stay out of God's way while He's working on my me and my life.

I try to keep looking on the bright side of this, and most of the time I succeed. But... when I stop to think about what we had... I miss it. A lot. It's weird... the positive aspects about being single are just as nice as being in a relationship, but when it comes right down to it, I think I prefer being in a relationship. I like the feeling of belonging to someone, and the feeling that someone belongs to me. I know that sounds strange, and maybe even possessive, but I think everyone wants that, you know? Someone to belong to and someone who belongs to you, and only you. I'd like to experience that feeling someday.

Well, I should probably go home now and have dinner. I'm still at the school, and I'm getting hungry :) Later, peeps!