La Vie Boheme

Hahaha, not really :P sorry if the title is confusing, but this is a song from the musical 'Rent', which is what I'm listening to right now. I got the soundtrack to the musical today at the library, which makes me very happy :) currently, the song I'm listening to is "La Vie Boheme", hence the title. There's something I enjoy doing on Facebook. For my status updates, I sometimes like to use the song titles from musicals and make nonsense sentences. It's a lot of fun for me, but it's not easy (especially when you have to use a lot of songs, like from 'Wicked', which has 19 songs... that was hard.) This was the one I made for 'Rent'

I can't pay my Rent, there's no one to Light My Candle and I only have One Song Glory. So I guess I'll go to Santa Fe Today 4 U, but I Should Tell You that I'll Cover You if you'll take me Out Tonight. Without You I'll have no one to dance the Tango: Maureen with, but the Seasons of Love are coming soon, so you can Take Me Or Leave Me. Viva La Vie Boheme! :)

That was hard to come up with too, but I like to do it :) it's fun, and it confuses people hahaha :P unless, of course, they know about the musical and know the songs from the show. Then it's not confusing. But it gives me something to do, and it keeps my status updates interesting. You know what? I really wish life were a musical. For one, you could burst out into song whenever you wanted to, and everyone around you would know the choreography and the words. That would be AMAZING :D And most musicals always have a happy ending, so there's that too. Wouldn't it be great if life always had a happy ending? I mean, everyone dies at some point, but wouldn't it be great if when you did die, you left a great legacy behind you? No one would talk bad about you once you died, and everyone would always have happy memories of you. If you could just end your life on a happy note, having achieved everything in life that you've always wanted to and had no regrets... that would be something great.

Sorry, that was REALLY random... and weird... but what else would you expect from a Thespian? :P hahaha. Anyway, not much has been happening lately. Started school again today, and it was completely INSANE, and not in a good way. It's too much to talk about here and quite honestly I don't want to relive the craziness, so just trust me when I say it was a crazy/insane day. I'm hoping that the rest of the week won't be so completely crazy. I mean, I know it will be crazy just because I'm a music major, and my life revolves around craziness/drama/insanity, so that is to be expected. Right now, I'm tired; I had to get up earlier than I normally would, even on a regular school day, because I had a dentist appointment at 7:30 in the morning, then I was at school until 3, so I'm pretty tired. But tomorrow I can sleep in a little; my first class (my voice lesson) isn't until 10, and then I'll have Chamber Singers and then it's off to Ballet.

I'm both nervous and excited about ballet. I've heard stories about the girls in that class, how they make fun of all the new girls. I've basically told myself that if any of them say something nasty to me, I'll probably just say something like, "Screw you" or something along those lines. Knowing me like I do, I more than likely just won't say anything, but you never know, I may find that I have more courage to stand up for myself than I used to. Wow... 10:46... it's getting late. I need to go to bed, I'm exhausted, and I still got a little bit of Piano homework to do... I may do that tomorrow, it's not hard. Well, good night, peeps! :)

Picking Up The Pieces

Today I went to church, as I always do, but there was something different about this Sunday. For one, a lot of people that usually come weren't there (such as Nick and Brittney.) And also, today was the first day that I have been in the same room with Mark in a little over a week. I know that doesn't sound like a big deal, and really it's not, but I want to tell you about something that happened to me while I was in church this morning. First off, I didn't do anything drastic, like walk up to him and slap him (which he deserves, but I digress) nor did I cry or do anything of that sort. But I couldn't look at him. I wouldn't look at him, to be more precise. I didn't want to look at him, look into his eyes and have all those memories, both good and bad, come flooding back to me. Not now, I'm not ready for that just yet.

I had something come to me today while I was in service this morning. I don't know if it was God, or me, or what (it's very hard to determine when it's God speaking to you or if it's just yourself.) But this came to me: "You have to forgive him. If you want to start really healing your heart, you have to forgive him." That really hit hard. Mostly because I hadn't even thought about when I would forgive him, or if I would ever forgive him for that matter. I have just been dwelling on all the pain, the hurt, the anger and the hell that I've gone through this week that I haven't really thought about forgiving him (yes I realize that is terrible of me, but if you've ever been in the place I'm at right now, you know that forgiveness is the last thing you think of.)

So yeah, I've decided something. I'm going to forgive him. Now, don't go thinking that this means I'm going to be his friend again any time soon, or especially that I'm going to trust him again any time soon, but I want to forgive him, because Jesus has forgiven me, and if this will help my heart start healing, I'll do it. Maybe he doesn't deserve my forgiveness, and I'm pretty sure some people would tell me that he doesn't. But I don't care, I have to forgive him if I want to really move on with my life. Being bitter about this and holding a grudge is only going to make my life worse, because then I'll never be able to let anyone else in again, and that is the last thing I want. But, either way, I have to forgive him.

And then, something else happened while I was helping at the 'Johnny Be Good' Round Table Reading (well... more like, we watched the DVD of the show from 2008.) Anyway, one of the lines said by one of the main characters really spoke to me tonight.

"We can't control what has happened to us. But we can choose to pick up the pieces and go on."

Now THAT was powerful. To me, at least. And, also, the lyrics to a song that is sung in the show.

"Father knows best. He can see right into your heart. Father knows best. He wants to give you a brand new start. You've wandered from the beaten path, He's always there to take us back. Turn your heart toward home again, and never be alone again. Father knows best."

Wow, talk about a message of redemption. Especially when lately I haven't exactly been very close to God. It's not that I'm angry at God for what happened. I don't even blame Him for any of this. I've just been trying to heal my heart on my own terms, in my own way (which basically consists of listening/singing along to sad/angry/depressing songs, hanging out with my girlfriends or having them spend the night, hanging out with friends in general, and flirting with other guys) when really I should be turning to God to heal my heart. He's the only one who knows how to fix it, and how to help me starting living and loving my life again.

Tomorrow is my first day back to school. It's so crazy; it seems like just yesterday when I graduated high school and was starting my first day of college as a freshman. Now I'm going in as a Sophomore, and I know the pressure to perform and do my absolute best will be on. But I am excited. Ballet, voice lesson and Chamber Singers will be lots of fun :) I know that ballet is going to KILL me, especially in the first few weeks (I'm going to be sore in places I didn't even know existed) but it's going to be fun, because I have the determination to do it. Plus, with all that I'm going to be doing with 'Johnny Be Good!' and possibly Opera Leggera, I'm going to be too busy to be depressed and too busy to think or dwell on the "what ifs" and the "whys"

And so, my dear readers, a new school year begins :) And I'm getting ready to go to bed. Got a dentist appointment at 7 in the morning tomorrow... yay (that was sarcasm, by the way :P) and my first class is at 9 but I don't know where my classroom will be, so I want to get there 30 minutes early so I can find it. Until next time :) later, peeps!

Broken heart quotes

Here's some quotes I found. All of the authors are unknown, so don't ask me who said them, because I don't know.

"Forget the times you walked by, forget the times you've made me cry. Forget the time you held my hand, forget the sweet things if I can. I can no longer pretend, I have to remember now that you're just a friend."

"A heart breaking isn't always as loud as a bomb exploding. Sometimes it can be as quiet as a feather falling. And the most painful thing is, no one really hears it, except you."

"Every single person in this world waits for love in their life. Some people say love didn't come to them but it was right in front of their eyes. Some people wait a lifetime for true love, I should know, I'm still waiting for my true love."

"I wonder, when you look into my eyes and watch my heart shatter, does it break your heart too, even crack it a little bit?"

"With you my heart will always stay. With you my thoughts will be every day. You remain to be the one that I regret letting get away. Why didn't I say what I needed to say? You are the one I will always use my wishes on. You are the one I will always wish was never gone. I'll constantly wonder what went wrong. I'll forever think of what I could've did that was never done."

"They say that time heals all wounds but all it’s done so far is give me more time to think about how much I miss you."

"I hate to see the one I love happy with somebody, but I surely hate it more to see the one I love unhappy with me."

"Everyone tells me I should forget about you, you don't deserve me. They're right, you don't deserve me, but I deserve you."

"What happens when he's your Prince Charming, but you're not his Cinderella?"

"I'm so confused... I mean, I want to let go... I want to let go of all this pain, but I'm afraid I'll go insane... he may come back, I have some hope, but with everything else, how can I cope? I want to let go... I'm going to let go, but if I wait and see, will he come back to me?"

"I've accepted the fact that we can't be, but I've also accepted that you're going to be that one person I carry with me for the rest of my life, the one that is always going to make my heart jump a little and my stomach tie up in knots no matter how happy I am otherwise... no matter how long its been."

"It's so hard to show everyone that I'm doing fine without you when deep inside I'm not. It's hard because I have to smile when I really can't hold back my tears, 'cause as far as I can see, you're doing fine without me."

The Single Life

I haven't really taken the time to give people an update on what it feels like to be single again. Yeah sure, I've told you about how much pain I'm going through in making this new adjustment, but as far as the feeling of being single again and knowing that I won't be getting any texts messages from someone, saying that they are thinking of me, that's a different story. For one, there's this strange feeling of freedom. I don't have to worry about texting someone when I get home, which is a good thing and a bad thing, because with that comes the feeling that there's no one out there who really cares about me enough to make sure I get home safely. Then there's the good feeling of freedom, meaning I have freedom to flirt with any guy I see and I don't have the guilt of knowing I'm doing something horrible. But here's the dark side of that freedom: knowing that no matter how beautiful I may look on the outside, once a guy gets to know me he's going to run for the hills because he won't be able to understand me. I'm not normal.

And then there's all this free time! It sucks! I'm the type of person who HAS to be doing something, otherwise I get bored and go crazy. Yes, I've been spending a lot of time with my girlfriends lately, but once school starts on Monday we're all going to be so busy that we won't have much time to get together and and hang out (when you're in college, especially when you're a music major, you lose your social life.) I know for a fact that if Mark and I had continued dating it would seem more like we were taking a break, because we just wouldn't have a lot of time for each other... but still, I could make time for him. I always make time for the things, and people, that are important to me. And... there's that empty feeling inside. It's like there's a part of me that's missing, and nothing has been able to fill it. Friends, family, flirting with other guys... it's still empty. I know it's probably not a smart idea to try to get into another relationship so soon after my first one ended, but I can't help it. I want so desperately for this place in my heart to be filled up again, and I want... someone! ANYONE!!! I don't want to be alone! The loneliness is killing me!

You know what? There's this voice in my head that tells me, "You aren't meant to be with anyone. You are meant to be alone for the rest of your life, so why don't you just accept that fact and go on with your life? You don't deserve anyone anyway. Besides, who would want to be with you? You should just lock your heart away and never give it to anyone again, because all they are going to do is hurt you. That's the safest thing to do. It will keep you from getting hurt again, and you'll never have to feel the pain of rejection ever again." You have NO idea how tempting that is. It's an easy way out; locking my heart away to keep it from ever feeling rejected again sounds like the safest way out of this. But that can't be my only option.

I'm starting to wonder what it must be like to date me. It's probably not a walk in the park. Like I said, I'm not normal. It must be the strangest thing in the world; hearing me blathering on about musicals and Broadway and shows and all that jazz must sound like Chinese to anyone who hasn't done theater or has no interest in it. And I'm not exactly the brightest crayon in the box, so there's that. Basically, everything a guy would want in a girl I don't have, and therefore makes me an ineligible date. I just feel really worthless. That basically sums up everything I'm feeling: worthless. And hopeless. I'm just not good enough for anyone.

I blame myself for this break up. I wasn't good enough. In the end, it all comes down to me. I wasn't good enough for him, and he deserves someone so much better. I always thought it was strange, how he could possibly ever like me. I couldn't believe it that night when he told me he liked me, because I knew I couldn't possibly be good enough for him. I thought he was completely out of his mind for liking me; I honestly even questioned his sanity and I still think that... I probably will always think that. Years from now, when I'm living in my apartment in New York City with my five cats, I'll think back on this relationship and the knowledge of knowing that he liked me will still make me question his sanity. I honestly think I would question any guy's sanity if he came up to me and told me he liked me. I would look at him and ask, "Are you high, drunk or a combination thereof?"

I'm talking to my friend Italia on Facebook chat right now. She asked me how I was doing, to which I responded, "Depressed. Same as I have been..." And you know what she said?

"If I may say, I think you're expecting a little too much to happen in too small of a time-frame. As much as it has to suck you have to be patient. And as cliche as that sounds its 100% true." And she is 100% right. I asked her how she knew about that and she said,

"You just feel like everything is coming to a stand-still and you get majorly depressed. You want something to happen and when nothing does, you get even more depressed." That is EXACTLY where I'm at right now. Oh, how I love Italia :) she is like my free therapist. And then she said the one thing I've been wanting someone to say this whole week.

"SO yeah, just hang in there. And besides, you've got a lot of friends and family around you who are trying to help you along. But don't misinterpret that as "don't be sad" cause I think you have a right to be sad, but I'm just saying, with everyone around you, it should be a little easier."

YES. Finally someone has told me that it's okay for me to be sad. All I've been hearing these last few days is "It'll get better soon." "Don't worry, it's his loss, not yours." "You'll get through this, eventually. It just takes time." When all I've really wanted was for someone to tell me, "It's okay to be sad." Because that's all I'm feeling right now; sad.

Well, I guess that's enough for right now. Later, peeps.

Stuck and Not Moving

I'm stuck. Metaphorically speaking, of course. I'm stuck in my process of moving on. I feel like now I'm just not going anywhere. The anger comes and goes, but mostly I'm just depressed and sad, especially when I think about him or talk about him. Anything that has to do with him or reminds me of him in any way, shape or form, I start to get sad. At night it's the worst. That's when I'm alone, not busy doing anything or being with my friends and have to actually lie still and, unfortunately, think. Last night I watched "Breakfast At Tiffany's" and so I stayed up really late... and I started thinking about him, so I stayed awake a little longer. I'm really glad I have that giant stuffed teddy bear. He's been sleeping with me for the last few nights, keeping me company, and giving me something to cuddle and cling to, because right now, that's what I need the most.

I hope that I'm not stuck like this for much longer. It sucks; when I know he's at the church, I want so desperately to go there and see him, to talk to him, but then reality comes crashing in and I know I can't do that, not anymore. And I have the dreaded knowledge of knowing that, even when we become friends again, I won't ever be able to think of him in the same way ever again. I won't be able to look at him and not have all those precious memories of us together come flooding back to me. I wish this was all just a really bad dream, so I could wake up right now and end this. The depression, the wishing, the memories, the pain of knowing he was mine and now he's not and never will be again, it's all killing me. I CAN'T STAND THIS ANYMORE!!!!!
I HATE THIS!!!!! IT'S NOT FAIR! WHY DID THIS HAVE TO END?!?!? WHY DID HE HAVE TO LEAVE ME!?!? WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY!!?!!?!?! WHY CAN'T I FIND HAPPINESS?!!?!?! WHY CAN'T I BE HAPPY?!?!!?! WHY CAN'T I FIND SOMEONE TO LOVE ME?!!?!!?!!?!!!

I just feel really empty and broken on the inside... I don't know what to do anymore. I'm stuck and I don't know how to keep moving forward. I want so desperately to wake up from this nightmare. I want to see him and talk with him and know that he's mine. I want him to hold me, kiss me, talk to me, smile at me. I want to hold his hand, to laugh with him, talk to him about the deep and serious things in life, and to just be with him. But I can't. I can't do any of that. I can't talk to him, I can't/don't want to see him, because I know the moment I see him I'll just be back at square one again: depressed, sad and crying. And he's not mine. Not anymore... and maybe he never was to begin with. I don't know... I just don't know anymore. And the strange thing is, you would think I would be mad at God. But I'm not. I've run so far away from God at the point because I'm afraid that He's mad at me, and that's why He took away Mark. And I can understand that. I would be mad at me too, if I was God.

I'm absolutely dreading going to church on Sunday, because I know he'll be there. I don't know what I'm going to do when I see him. Part of me wants to slap him (of course, we already discussed this) but part of me is afraid I'm going to start crying. Personally, I'd rather do that than slap him, because slapping him won't do any good (as Brittney says, "Violence is not the answer.") And then, there's that little voice in the back of my mind telling me, "Just don't go to church on Sunday. Then you won't have to deal with seeing him at all." But that's not going to happen. I need to be in church right now, maybe more than ever, because that's where all my friends are that care about me and love me. So no, not going to church is NOT an option.

Well, I guess I should go to bed now and try to sleep. I have a feeling it's going to be another long night of sleeplessness. Later, peeps.

Will This Nightmare Ever End?

I don't know how I should feel.
One minute I'm sad, depressed, lonely, hurt, confused, and the next I'm
Angry, furious, plotting revenge, mad as hell
And wanting nothing more than to
Strangle him, slap him, and make him regret leaving me.
And then... I go back to being sad, depressed, lonely, hurt and confused.
Will this nightmare ever end?

I can't look at him.
I can't stand to see the sight of him.
I don't want to look at him.
I don't want to hear his voice,
I don't want to see his eyes...
Those beautiful blue eyes...
No.
Please no.
Not those eyes.
Those clear, intense, beautiful blue eyes...
They will be the end of me.
His smile... his laugh... his voice...
His hands...
No... please no...
Will this nightmare ever end?

My heart doesn't know how it should respond.
It feels everything:
Anger, rage, sadness, loneliness, confusion, depression and rejection.
My mind doesn't know what action to take:
Should I take my revenge?
Should I beg him to take me back?
Should I find someone new to make him jealous?
Should I make him regret leaving me?
My soul isn't sure what is going on:
Is this God's way of saying I'm not ready to seriously date?
Is this God's way of saying I don't deserve happiness?
Is this God's way of saying I'm meant to be single forever?
Is this God's way of saying there's no one out there for me?
Will this nightmare ever end?

My mind tells me many things:
You'll never find your Prince.
You'll never find true love.
You're not good enough for anyone.
You're meant to be alone forever.
You should go flirt with every guy you see,
Even if he's the worst guy in the world,
At least you won't be alone anymore.
You should lower your standards, they're too high.
You should run to him and beg him to take you back.
You should do everything you can to make him regret
His decision.
You should slap him in the face when you see him next time.
You should go completely destroy his car; slash his tires, break his
Windshield, bust out his headlights, the works.
You should never speak to him again.
You should leave town; make a new start, a new life.
You should get rid of everything that reminds you of him.
You should stop hoping; no one will ever love you.
Will this nightmare ever end?

I want love.
I want someone to love.
I want someone who will love me.
I want to feel strong arms holding me tight again.
I want to feel someones hand in mine again.
I want someone to pursue and chase me, and who won't give up until
He has me.
I want to find my Prince Charming,
My Romeo,
My Knight in Shining Armor,
My Hero.
Will this nightmare ever end?

The ring on my finger says, "True love waits."
But is true love even real?
Does true love even exist anymore?
And if it does, why is there so much unhappiness in the world?
Why do so many women face the pain of rejection?
Why do so many relationships fail?
And, I suppose the other question is...
If true love isn't real, then why bother to wait?
And if true love is real, then is it really worth the wait?
I don't know what to believe anymore...

Will this nightmare ever?

"Behind These Hazel Eyes" and 'Rent'

No matter how hard I try to move on with my life, no matter how hard I try to act like it's okay, I'm really not. Yes, I know, from my posts you would think that I'm fine; that I'm moving on with life and that the break up hasn't affected my me. That is FAR from the truth. It has affected my life, very deeply. I realized something while I was driving home from the church tonight: I haven't actually taken the time to realize what I have lost and what I can never have again. I haven't taken the time to realize what has been taken from me, what was once mine, what I had and what it means now that it's not mine anymore. Isn't that strange? I haven't actually, truly mourned the loss of my relationship. Oh yeah, sure I cried a lot, but it wasn't long before the anger, fury and rage set in. Now, I'm just furious at him. I'm angry as hell. I want to strangle him, slap him, make him regret pushing me away. But... there's still a big part of me that is so totally broken where all I want to do is cry, scream, call him or go to his house and beg him to take me back.

Does that sound crazy, foolish, or just completely crazy? Yes, to all three. But it's that part of me that still hopes maybe this is all just a bad dream, that this isn't really happening. And it's that part of me that hasn't fully mourned the loss of this relationship, the part of me that hasn't completely accepted this as reality and that I'm not going to wake up from this nightmare. All I've been listening to lately is Kelly Clarkon's song, "Behind These Hazel Eyes" because it expresses completely everything I'm feeling. Yeah, I know I shouldn't be listening to sad, depressing songs, especially if I want to keep moving on with life, but I can't help it.

I guess... I'm just afraid. Afraid to allow myself to think about all that I have lost, because I think that if I do, I won't ever be able to go on and live my life... but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe what I really need is to think about all that I've lost, cry about it, and then move on. All I've done is cry about the pain of being rejected. But I haven't really cried about losing him, losing such a great relationship and losing everything that I had with him. I told myself and everyone else that I wouldn't let this affect my life, and I don't want it to. But I think I tried to move on too soon. I think I tried to detach myself from the memories of us together too quickly, and that's why I'm still feeling so broken up inside. I still feel this sadness, this brokenness, this... emptiness.

A strange thing happened to me when I was on my way home from church. I was sitting at a light, and something caught my eye. It was this guy, probably a little older than me (or maybe a lot older, I couldn't really tell.) He had his windows down and he was looking at me... smiling. The kind of smile that makes you feel a little uncomfortable, but flattered at the same time. I quickly looked away, acting like I didn't see him. And then, I did the unthinkable (or, at at least it was unthinkable for me): I looked back at him and smiled back. He grinned, and winked at me. I winked back. I started laughing, being very flirtatious. He chuckled, and even though I couldn't hear what he was saying, I could tell by his gestures that he wanted me to get in his car. I smiled, but shook my head (I'm not entirely stupid or desperate.) He nodded, smiled and then the light turned green. When I turned the corner, I realized what I had just done... and it killed me on the inside.

It's hard to explain. I feel like a part of me has died, like there's a part of me that's missing. I feel so alone and lonely. Yes, I'm surrounded by friends and family, people who love me and care about me, but... I still feel really alone. Right now, I'm really glad that me, Kayse and Brittney have been hanging out every day and working out. For one, I'm not all by myself, and my mind is on other things, and two, I'm able to get most of my anger out when I exercise. But now, it's night time. I'll be going to bed soon. And I have to be alone. Yes, I have my "Breakfast At Tiffany's" movie to keep me company, and my giant teddy bear, and my dog, but...

There's another song that I've been listening to. It's called "Will I?" and it's from the musical 'Rent' and the entire song is sung in a round. It's very moving, very powerful... and the words speak directly to my heart.

"Will I lose my dignity? Will someone care? Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?"

"Breakfast At Tiffany's", Quotes, and Break ups

Last night Nick, Kayse and I went to Sonic. I'm not exactly sure what the purpose of our going there was, but I suppose it's because Nick was bored (even though he's already started school, he didn't have much homework to do.) So I met him and Kayse there. Then Nick got this brilliant idea of us all going to Wal-Mart (he wanted to go to Randall's, but Kayse and I both said no.) Nick drove us to Wal-Mart and when we got there we found our way to the Entertainment section. We started looking through a large bin of DVDs that were marked for $5.00 each. And that's when I found it: "Breakfast At Tiffany's"! My absolute FAVORITE Audrey Hepburn movie of all time! You have no idea how excited I was! And, fortunately, I had a five dollar bill on me at the time too, so I was able to buy it (if you've never seen "Breakfast At Tiffany's" I suggest you go to Wikipedia right now and look it up. It is one of the most beautiful, amazing love stories of all time!)

I've been really into quotes lately, especially quotes about moving on with life. I found this one website that offered a wide variety of quotes about heartache, broken hearts, moving on with your life after a break up, and just moving on with life in general. And I decided that since I have so many favorites, I would just post them all on here :)

‎"There is nothing more complete than a broken heart. For in the depths of the pain you will encounter the risen Jesus Christ." ~ Mark Brown

"When love is lost, do not bow your head in sadness; instead keep your head up high and gaze into heaven, for that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal." ~ Anonymous

"I'm going to smile and make you think I'm happy. I'm going to laugh so you don't see me cry. I'm going to let you go in style, and even if it kills me - I'm going to smile!" ~ Anonymous

"There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go." ~ Anonymous

"I chose and my world was shaken. So what? The choice may have been mistaken; the choosing was not. You have to move on." ~ Stephen Sondheim

"Time heals griefs and quarrels, for we change and are no longer the same persons." ~ Pascal

"Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together." - Author Unknown

"Hearts will never be made practical until they are made unbreakable." - Tin Man (Wizard of Oz)

"If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were." - Anonymous.

"When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us." ~ Alexander Graham Bell

"Sometimes I wish I were a little kid again, skinned knees are easier to fix than broken hearts." ~ Author Unknown

"Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. But rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along." - Anonymous

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do." - Eleanor Roosevelt

"If you find yourself in love with a person who does not love you, be gentle with yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. Love just didn't choose to rest in the other person's heart." - Anonymous

"Sometimes we tend to be in despair when the person we love leaves us, but the truth is, it's not our loss, but theirs, for they left the only person who couldn't give up on them." - Anonymous

"When you break up with someone, a piece of your heart is chipped away. But you know what? That just means that your heart will grow back twice as big, and then when the right person comes along, you will be able to love them twice as much." ~ Me

"The heart was made to be broken." - Oscar Wilde

So those are all my favorite quotes from this website. I'm sure that there are hundreds of other ones out there that are also good, but I don't have all day to search the Internet, looking for them. Anyway, I guess I should give you an update on how I'm doing. I'm okay. I've definitely seen better days, but I'm okay. My only fear is that I don't know what I'm going to do when I see him on Sunday at church. Part of me says I should go right up to him and slap him, but I also know that would only let him have the last word and it would show him how much he's hurt me. So I'm not going to do that; I'm not going to give him that satisfaction. I won't cry; I'm not going to let him see how much pain he's put me through. Instead, I'm going to give him the most evil glare I can make and then ignore him completely.

That's really the only thing I can do. And I don't intend to sit anywhere close to him. And if he even tries to talk to me... I'm not sure if I'll be able to hold myself back from trying to strangle him. I know this all sounds very dramatic and foolish, but I can't help it: I'm mad as hell, and I don't want anything to do with him. At least for right now. Oh sure, we'll go back to being friends, but that isn't going to happen for a long time. And I don't know if our friendship will ever be the same after this; I don't know how much I could trust him again, and I definitely don't know if I'll ever be able to think of him in the same way as before we started dating. This is going to be hard to get through; going from being in a close relationship with him to being "just friends" again is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done. But I'll get through it... I have to. I don't have any other choice if I want to be able to open my heart up to someone else again.

Well, that's all for now. Later, peeps!

Work outs, School, Broadway and Break ups

These last two days I've been going to the gym at LSC - Kingwood with Kayse Poland and Brittney Alonso, two of my very good friends who have been a great support system for me during these past few days. Our plan is to get back into shape before school starts next week by going to the gym every day this week (with the exception of Friday and Saturday, because the college gym isn't open on those days) and my motivation for this is I'm also hoping that by getting back into shape I'll catch the eyes of some hotties ;) right now, it's the only motivation I have. I know that sounds terrible, because I should want to get in shape in order to stay healthy. But I can't help it; I want to look good in order to attract a guy. And I want to feel good about myself, on top of that. Oh, and there's also the fact that once school starts I won't be able to get to the gym much, so I'm doing what can now (but then again, I'll also be taking ballet this fall, so that will give me a work out two days a week.)

I am somewhat excited for the fall semester to start; new class (ballet) and also it will keep me busy with all the homework I'll have. And I'm going to be busy helping out with a musical comedy called 'Johnny Be Good!' at the Nathaniel Center. The same place where I got my first "big break" as I like to call it. I'll write about all my experiences on stage later. Now back to my original point. I did JBG back in 2008 at the Nathaniel Center, and even though I did have fun, I didn't really want to ever do it again (unlike 'The Swarthy Seadog', which I just did for the second time this spring.) My only problem with JBG was this: too much dancing. At least, for me it was too much dancing, and of course, as you probably figured out, dancing is definitely NOT my strong point (hence why I am taking ballet this fall, so I can get better at dancing.) So, on top of knowing I was going to have a very stressful fall semester, I told Ms. Brenda, the director (and a good friend of mine) that I wouldn't be able to take part in JBG this time, but that I would love to help out in any way I can. Then she text me, asking me if I would like to be a stage manager for the show.

Well, if there was ever a window of opportunity in my life, this was it. A chance to do something else besides being on the stage, and it would look good on a resume for future auditions too! How great is this! So I happily accepted my role as stage manager. And that brings me to this statement: Someday I am going to make it big on Broadway.

Yes, my friends, I am a Broadway fanatic, and I am not ashamed to admit it. Just recently, my dad got me a book from the library called "I'm The Greatest Star" by Robert Viagas. Basically it's a book about all of the greatest Broadway stars from the 1900s all the way to today... and it has really inspired me, especially during this difficult transition of going from being in a relationship to being single practically overnight. It tells the story of each actor or actress, from beginning to end, all about their lives and how they made it big. And it has inspired me SO MUCH lately that now I have a new goal. When I graduate from whatever college I go to later on after I've graduated from LSC, I am going to go to New York City and try to make it big. And, if it doesn't work out, I plan to come back to Texas to teach drama. That's basically my only plan in life. Yes, I know, it sounds crazy and far-fetched and insane and completely idiotic, but it's what I want to do. It's the only thing that is keeping me in school now, because I want to be the girl who knows what she's doing when she auditions for a big show, the girl who can read music and has had an education in learning the basic fundamentals of music.

Sorry, I know I'm writting a lot, but I think it's a good thing. It means I'm starting to get back to my "normal" self and moving on with my life. Which brings me to the next topic: the break up. Yeah, I know I've written a lot about it, but it's only because I am still trying to get through the slow process of healing my broken heart (and yes, I know that sounds very melo-dramatic, but it's true.) I've been thinking about something lately. What if I never find my Romeo, my Knight in Shining Armor, my hero? Let's face it, there just aren't any decent guys out there anymore. There just isn't. And the things I want/need in a guy aren't realistic accorinding to today's standards (and no, I'm not going to post on here all the things that I want in a guy. You'll have to get to know me first.) It scares me to think that there's absolutely NO ONE out there that is perfect for me... it scares me A LOT.

And on that note I think I should go. Nick Doremus is wanting me to this new entry on Facebook so he can read it hahaha :P later, peeps!

Behind These Hazel Eyes (lyrics)

This is a song by Kelly Clarkson. I don't think much else needs to be said.

Verse 1.
Seems like just yesterday you were a part of me,
I used to stand so tall, I used to be so strong.
Your arms around me tight, everything it felt so right.
Unbreakable, like nothing could go wrong.
Now I can't breathe, no, I can't sleep,
I'm barely hanging on.

Chorus:
Here I am, once again,
I'm torn into pieces.
Can't deny it, can't pretend,
Just thought you were the one.
Broken up deep inside,
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes.

Verse 2:
I told you everything, opened up and let you in.
You made me feel alright, for once in my life.
Now all that's left of me is what I pretend to be.
So together, but so broken up inside.
'Cause I can't breathe, no, I can't sleep,
I'm barely hanging on.

Chorus:
Here I am, once again,
I'm torn into pieces.
Can't deny it, can't pretend,
Just thought you were the one.
Broken up deep inside,
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes.

Verse 3:
Swallow me then spit me out.
For hating you I blame myself.
Seeing you it kills me now.
No, I don't cry on the outside anymore.
Anymore.

Chorus:
Here I am, once again,
I'm torn into pieces.
Can't deny it, can't pretend,
Just thought you were the one.
Broken up deep inside,
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes.

Chorus:
Here I am, once again,
I'm torn into pieces.
Can't deny it, can't pretend,
Just thought you were the one.
Broken up deep inside,
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes.

Sleeping pills, Teddy Bears, Mood Swings and Break ups

Hey, everyone. Just figured I'd give you all an update on how I'm doing. I think I'm starting to heal; I'm not crying as much as I did the first two nights after the break up, which is good because then that means I might actually start being able to sleep on my own, instead of with my mom or my grandma. I may still have to take sleeping pills for a while, just because I don't want to allow myself to lay there, alone in the dark, thinking. That's the last thing I need right now. In fact, my mom just gave me one a few minutes ago (it's the kind of pills you have to take a couple of hours before you go to bed, so it can start working.) So yes, for the time being, sleeping pills have become my new "drug of choice" hahaha :P

Just a little while ago, my friends Rebekah and Sarah Cotter and their mom and dad came over to the house. I was out with my mom, shopping for some back-to-school clothes, and when we got back, there they were, waiting for me in the living room... with a giant soft, fluffy, cuddly teddy bear, and a notebook with a kitten holding a microphone :) it was one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me. They told me the notebook had a message inside of it, but I'll look at that later, before I go to bed. I am so blessed to have such amazing, wonderful, encouraging and supportive friends and family :) Everyone has been so great, especially Brittney and Nick. They have been my pillars of strength these last few days, talking to me, letting me vent and cry, and just all around helping me to start the healing process.

You know what's weird? I've been having mood swings. Now that most of my crying is done, I'll find myself really depressed one minute, and then I fly into a rage and start plotting my revenge on him... and then I go back to being depressed. It's so strange. Mom says I'm going through stages, and that it's normal for me to be going back and forth with my emotions. Strange... a week ago today I was happy and dating a guy I thought was the greatest in the world. Now, I'm single and plotting the best way to get my revenge. Mostly I'm just thinking of how much I'm going to make him regret breaking up with me. Someday, I'm going to be a big star on Broadway, and then he'll regret it. See?! There I go again! Depressed one minute, plotting revenge the next! It's crazy! And kind of creepy O_o it's definitely not like me to be plotting revenge on anyone. But I guess I'll just have to roll with it. As long as I don't try to put my "plans" into action, I think it's safe to say I'll be able to stay out of jail for the rest of my life.

Anyway, that's just a little bit about me and where I'm at right now :) currently listening to "Love Story" by Taylor Swift :] good night everyone!

Friends, Waiters, Cashiers and Break ups

My friend Brittney came over yesterday and spent the night. One of the best cures for a break up (so I've been told) is either chocolate, or having a really close girlfriend come over and help you start the long, painful process of getting back to normal... or for me, normal meaning going around singing showtunes and blathering about Broadway. That's my "normal." It also helps to have a night out with some good friends. Nick Doremus invited me and Brittney to meet him and another friend of ours, Kayse Poland, out to Chachi's, a Mexican restaurant. Since Brittney and I had already eaten dinner, we said we'd go and get dessert. And so we met up with Nick and Kayse and went to Chachis. Little did I know that I was going to find myself doing something I haven't done in a long time: Guy Watching.

Yep. I suddenly found myself staring at the waiters... all to my dismay, guilt and embarrassment. Dismay, because I couldn't believe I was ACTUALLY doing that. Guilt, because it hadn't even been a day since the break up and I was already wanting to catch the eye of another prospect. And embarrassment, because most of them were probably way too old for me or already probably had a girlfriend. It felt strange.

You see, until now, I was totally off limits, of course. Which meant I wasn't allowed to let my eyes roam around, or sneak any glances at the kind of guys many girls would call "eye candy." But now... I am back on the market. In other words, I'm "single and ready to mingle." But it feels strange. VERY strange. I'm not a natural flirt, so I don't think any guy would find me very interesting with my lack of flirting skills. It's not going to be easy to try and find someone new. For one, I'm the Theatre Geek. I think that's all that need be said.

Guys find me to be very odd. I'm really into theatre, I love musicals and anything Broadway related. That's not normal, or so I think. Plus, I like to keep my hair short, and the general rule of thumb for society is, "If it has short hair, it must be a boy." So yeah, there's that. And, there's also the fact that all guys are total wimps, especially Christian guys. They just don't have the guts to tell a girl how they feel about her. Here's what I think: All the good guys are either gay, taken or fictional characters. That's the straight up truth.

I've been doing a lot of crying lately, especially at night. Last night was hard. I felt so alone and lonely, even though Brittney was sleeping next to me. So I went to my grandma's room and cried myself to sleep. I think I'll be taking sleeping pills for the next couples of nights.

Something incredible just happened to me. I just got back from the store with my mom. We were buying some fruit for the college back-to-school party tonight at Mindy's, and I am bringing a fruit tray. Well, first we stop in Food Fair, thinking they might have something. All we managed to find was two things, but when we got to the check-out, I was so glad we came. There, at the check-out next to ours, was a SUPER CUTE cashier! OMG! I managed to catch his eye, smiled... and I found out I'm a better flirt than I thought I was. He smiled, and he had to walk past me do go do something, and I SWEAR I heard him say, "How you doin?" when he walked behind me ;) And then, as we were in line checking out, I saw another guy a couple of lanes over. He was okay looking according to my Cuteness Scale, but he caught me looking at him, and stared back at me. At one point he even smiled at me and laughed. Not the mean kind of laugh, the kind of laugh when you're amused or find something to be really nice or surprising. We kept this up the whole time I was in line; I would look at him, he would look back at me, and I would look away, trying to act nonchalant about it... or at least, not completely desperate. By the time I left, I was pretty sure he was hooked.

So yeah, I think I'm slowly getting back to normal :) hahaha, although flirting definitely isn't something that is considered "normal" for me, but I guess that means I'm moving on, which is good. I'm not going to let this affect me or my life. I am going to move on, however painful it may be, and I'm going to live and enjoy life... and start looking for a new potential boyfriend ;) well, that's all for now! Later, peeps!

Cry (lyrics)

Here's a song by Kelly Clarkson. I don't think I need to explain anything.

Verse 1:
If anyone asks, I'll tell them we both just moved on.
When people all stare I'll pretend that I don't hear them talk.
Whenever I see you, I'll swallow my pride and bite my tongue.
Pretend that I'm okay with it all, act like there's nothing wrong.

Chorus:
Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry?
Cry?

Verse 2:
If anyone asks, I'll tell them we just grew apart.
And what do I care if they believe me or not?
Whenever I feel your memory is breaking my heart,
I'll pretend I'm okay with it all,
Act like there's nothing wrong.

Chorus:
Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry?
Cry?

Verse 3:
I'm talking in circles,
I'm lying, they know it,
Why won't this just stop for real?

Chorus:
Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry?
Cry?
Cry?

Cry

This is going to be the hardest thing I've ever written about, but I need to do this so that I can start the process of healing. Mark and I broke up last night. It's for the best, really. He says we just weren't clicking anymore, and he brought up a lot of things that told me he didn't want to do this anymore, so I told him to just end this now instead of prolonging the agony. It was mutual, really. I feel guilty for making this decision, because when he called it was 11:30 at night, and we finally came to the decision at 2:30 in the morning. The reason I feel guilty is because I think part of my decision was solely based on my emotions at that moment, which were hurt, anger and rejection. I honestly feel that if we had talked the next day, I think it would have been easier to accept. But to be honest, I knew we were going to break up. Somehow, somewhere deep down inside of my heart, I knew it would happen. No break could've made it any better, nothing could've changed his mind about us, and no second chance could've brought us back together again.

It hurts. A LOT. I haven't done this much crying since... I can't remember when. I spent most of the night last night crying my heart out, and at one point I swore I could actually feel my heart breaking in two. I had no idea a person could cry so much, especially since I was basically crying during the entire time Mark and I were talking. I thought at some point the tears would run out, but no. And then this morning I cried some more. Right now the only reason I'm not crying is for two reasons:

1. My grandma gave me some Tylenol, so yeah, I'm pretty relaxed right now.

2. I told Mark that I wouldn't let this completely affect my life. And I won't. I'm not going to let this turn me into a bitter, broken woman who can't let anyone else in her life. I KNOW my Prince is out there somewhere, just waiting for me. I've never had more hope than I do right now for my future. And I have God, and I know He's going to help me get through this. I know He has beautiful and wonderful plans for me and my future. He knows the desires of my heart and He wants those to be fulfilled.

I think this is only going to bring me even closer to my Heavenly Father, who loves me more than any man ever could. His love is eternal and unconditional. And you know what? Maybe this was just the trial run. Maybe this was just the beginning, and the real romance and adventure is just around the corner, with the man I've always dreamed of... the man I truly deserve. The man who deserve all of my passion, love, care, attention, affection and heart. I don't know how long it's going to take me before I feel that I can have a relationship with another guy; it's going to take time for my heart to fully heal, and it's definitely going to take time before I feel I can trust someone else again with my heart and emotions again. But I don't want this to destroy me. I'm not going to let it destroy me. I will let someone in again someday, and when I do, I'll be a little wiser, a little more cautious and more careful with how much of my heart I give away.

One day I'm going to be very happy.

This is going to be my last post about Mark. I don't plan on writing anything more about him, unless I'm writing about something else and the situation applies to something that he did or said, or an experience I had with him while we were dating. I won't ever post anything negative about him (unless I just need to vent, in which case I will then proceed to talk about something positive about him.) But I don't want to discuss him anymore. Not here.

Is this going to be hard? Is it going to be hard to pick up the pieces and go on with my life? Is it going to be hard to see him, hear his voice, talk to him, and especially see him with someone else? Pardon my language, but HELL YES. This is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done. But I know in the end I'll be okay. And besides... my Prince is still waiting for me. My Romeo is out there somewhere.

"Let's go on with the show!"

Love Story (lyrics)

Yes, yes, I know you all probably know this song, but I can't help it :) I must post the lyrics. enjoy!

Verse 1:
We were both young when I first saw you.
I close my eyes and the flashback starts: I'm standin there,
On a balcony in summer air.
See the lights, see the party, the ballgowns,
See you make your way through the crowd and say, "Hello."
Little did I know.
That you were Romeo, you were throwin pebbles,
And my daddy said, "Stay away from Juliet!"
And I was cryin on the staircase, beggin you, "Please don't go."

Chorus:
And I said, "Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone.
I'll be waiting, all that's left to do is run.
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess, it's a love story,
Baby, just say 'yes'"

Verse 2:
So I sneak out to the garden to see you.
We keep quiet 'cause we're dead if they knew, so close your eyes,
Escape this town for a little while.
'Cause you were Romeo, I was a Scarlett letter,
And my daddy said, "Stay away from Juliet!"
But you were everything to me, I was beggin you, "Please don't go."

Chorus:
And I said, "Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone.
I'll be waiting, all that's left to do is run.
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess, it's a love story,
Baby, just say 'yes'"
"Romeo, save me, they're tryin to tell me how to feel.
This love is difficult, but it's real.
Don't be afraid, we'll make it out of this mess,
It's a love story, baby, just say, 'yes'"

Verse 3:
I got tired of waitin, wonderin if you were ever comin around.
My faith in you was fadin, when I met you on the outskirts of town.
And I said, "Romeo, save me, I've been feelin so alone. I keep waitin for you but you never come.
Is this in my head I don't know what to think."
He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring and said,
"Marry me, Juliet, you'll never have to be alone.
I love you, and that's all I really know.
I talked to your dad, you'll pick out a white dress,
It's a love story, baby, just say 'yes'"

'Cause we were both young when I first saw you.

Love Story (lyrics will follow)

It's funny... all I think keep thinking about today is the lyrics to Taylor Swift's song "Love Story" In fact, that's what I've been listening to all day long. And what makes it even more funny is that, even though I'm quite certain Mark is going to break up with me, I have this strange positive attitude about it. Oh yeah sure, it's going to hurt a lot when it happens, but surprisingly I've got a peace about it. And I think there are two reasons for this.

1. I've got God, and I've been growing a lot closer to Him lately, and discovering more about myself. God has shown me a lot through my relationship with Mark, and especially now that we're going through such a rough spot (wait... "rough" is an understatement. We're basically at the end of our dating relationship, "rough" doesn't begin to describe it, but whatever.)

2. The story and the lyrics that the song "Love Story" talk about is so beautiful and so amazing that I can't help but believe that someday that will happen to me; that I'll meet my true love, the one man who wants to be with me always and forever, and he'll never want to let me go, and we'll be so happy together. This song gives me a lot of hope, something that I haven't had since Mark and I started dating.

The truth is, I've always thought NO GUY would EVER want to date me, or would even ever have feelings for me. Well, Mark quickly changed all that. When I look back on these last 7 months, especially at the beginning, I see something really special and beautiful. I see me, the happiest I've ever been in my life with a guy who is so wonderful and who really cares for me. But this past week, all I can see is dark clouds, anger, hurt, pain, sadness, and confusion. But I also see a second chance. I can see us getting together again and being just as happy, maybe even happier, than we were in the beginning. But not if he doesn't want that. If he doesn't want to give both of us a second chance to right the wrongs we've committed against each other, then I can't, won't and don't want to stop him. I can't, because it wouldn't be fair to him to make him stay with me if he's not going to be happy. I won't, because it's not right to make him to be with me if he doesn't want to. And I don't want to because if he doesn't want to be with me, then it's his lose. I am prepared to move on with my life and see where God takes me... and I'm more than prepared to finally find my Prince Charming.

Will it hurt to break up? Will I feel completely rejected? Will it be hard to pick up the pieces and move on? Will it take a lot of time for us to become friends again? Will it hurt to see him with someone else? YES. To all of those questions, and more. But, like I said, I've got this peace. This strange, amazing and comforting peace. And I've got God. What more could a broken hearted girl ask for?

It's a love story, baby, just say 'yes'

"And I said, "Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone. I'll be waiting, all that's left to do is run. You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess, it's a love story, baby, just say 'yes'."

So... Mark and I are going to take a break. It's not my favorite option, but it's the only one we have right now. To keep dating is not an option right now, because he is over thinking this way too much! I'm so frustrated right now! (punches a hole in the wall) ARRRRGH!!!!!!!!! He's so indecisive! He doesn't seem to know what he wants! And here's what I still don't get: he says he still really likes me, but he was going to break up with me anyway! He did, at first; we totally broke up. But then, I was thinking to myself, "No... no, this isn't going to happen. Not this way. I'm not letting this go without a fight first." For 3 reasons:

1. It's completely illogical to break up with someone and then turn around and tell them, "But I still really like you." That just doesn't make any sense! And that's what he did! I don't get it! If he still really like me like he says he does, then why would he wants us to break up?!

2. No matter what he says, I really do like him in the way that my feelings portray themselves. Yeah, maybe I've let them take control of me and let them get blown out of proportion, but those feelings of attraction (both physically and mentally) are still there, and I'm not going to let something really good go when it can be worked out.

3. We've got something really good going on, and I would hate to see it end like this. It hurts me to know that he doesn't seem to know what he wants, and yet he tells me he still really likes me. Well, if he still really likes me, then why doesn't he know what he wants? I'M NOT ASKING FOR A FREAKIN RING HERE!!!!!!!! I'M NOT ASKING FOR A PROPOSAL!!!!!!! All I'm asking for is a second chance to show him that I still feel the same about him, and to give him a chance to genuinely think about what he wants.

I'm hurt. I'm really, really hurt. And I'm also very confused, frustrated and scared. At this point I'm not sure what I should do. And here's the strange thing: it feels like we broke up, even though we really didn't. But you know what? I'm starting to discover that I could probably survive, maybe even go on with my life and still have high hopes for the future even if we do break up. It's funny... you would think that listening to the song "Love Story" by Taylor Swift would make me really sad, but strangely enough it makes me really happy. It makes me hopeful for a better future, and that maybe, just maybe, my Prince Charming is still out there somewhere, waiting to find me. It gives me the kind of hope that I too can have a happy ending, that life doesn't have to end just because the first guy to come along in my life and have romantic feelings for me turns out to may not be "The One"

Yes, I will miss Mark a lot if we break up. Yeah, it's gonna hurt like crazy, it's gonna be painful and I definitely won't forget about it for a while. But you know what? I think I'll be okay. In the end, in the long wrong, I think I'll be okay :)

Opera, Life, and Blueberries (again)

So, last night was the last night of the Lone Star College - Kingwood Opera Workshop performances. Yeah, I kind of forgot to mention that I was taking a class at the college this summer, and that it was an opera class. Basically, the hold auditions for the main roles (like any other production) and once they have the cast, we have six weeks to learn the music, speaking lines, dance steps, etc. Then, we put on a show (or two) and then we all go home happy. Oh, and I forgot to mention we get graded on this too (well, duh, it IS a class, after all.) And now, looking back on it, I had a good time. I met some new people and got to see how operas work, and the kind of talent and dedication you have to put into it. Plus I got to be on stage and perform :) that's always a plus.

And now, life. Life is better than it was yesterday morning, I can tell you that much. I got to talk to Mark yesterday afternoon and got some questions answered (it's such a great feeling when you get problems and concerns off your chest.) So now, I feel a lot more positive about our relationship, and about our next talk, which got moved to Tuesday because Mark has something with school, and he has to be there. And that's okay, because then I have more time to think about what I really want. Yes, I say I've made my decision, but I want to make sure it's the one I really want. A lot of people would probably tell me, "Well, if that's what you want, why bother making sure? If it's what you REALLY want, then go for it." But I want to make certain that is what I really want. Yeah, I probably won't change my mind, but a lot can happen in 3 days, so I'll just keep my decision in the back of my mind.

And now... BLUEBERRIES!!! :D Hahaha, yep, I've got me some partially frozen blueberries (my favorite snack ^_^) and I've got a busy weekend ahead of me. Today is going to be more spontaneous than anything; I'm going to a friend of mine's baby shower, but I'm not going to stay for the whole time. Then I may meet up with Mark, not sure where or when yet, but I think we're going to try to meet up. Tomorrow afternoon I'm going to be helping out with the audition process for a musical comedy called "Johnny Be Good!" and that will basically take all day. And if I don't get to see Mark today, I will probably see him tomorrow (well, yeah, he'll be at church, but besides that.) Anyway, I need to go take a shower before I go anywhere. Later, peeps! :)

Come Right Out And Say It

Here's the lyrics to the song "Come Right Out And Say It" by Relient K. enjoy

Verse 1:
I'd better rest my eyes, 'cause I'm growing weary of
This point you've been trying to make.
So rather than imply, why don't you just verbalize
All the things that you're trying to say.
Thought this would turn out so well,
But I'm beginning to see that instead it's trouble.
Into a pattern we fell of prolonging the inevitable.

Chorus:
Why don't you come right out and say it?
Even if the words are probably gonna hurt,
I'd rather have the truth than something insincere.
Why don't you come right out and say it (come right out and say it?)
What it is you're thinking, though I'm thinking it's not what I wanna hear.

Verse 2:
I better check my pride, because I was starting to think
That I was onto something good, but things started to slide.
And I sit here in retrospect, understanding that I misunderstood.
Thought I could make up your mind, and then this decision locks up
So tight it couldn't be touched.
Thought you were being so kind, but keeping your mouth sealed shut
Rather than just opening it up.

Chorus:
Why don't you come right out and say it?
Even if the words are probably gonna hurt,
I'd rather have the truth than something insincere.
Why don't you come right out and say it (come right out and say it?)
What it is you're thinking, though I'm thinking it's not what I wanna hear.

Verse 3:
And I tried to guess what goes on in your head,
'Cause in your mind I just might find all the those things you left unsaid.
And I'll try to maybe not regret anything.
Later on after I'm gone you'll wish that you had listened to me (had listened to me.)
Why don't you come right out and say it?
Even if the words are gonna hurt we're better off this way.
Why don't you come right out and say, come right out and say
What I know you're thinking anyway.

Chorus:
Why don't you come right out and say it?
Even if the words are probably gonna hurt,
I'd rather have the truth than something insincere.
Why don't you come right out and say it (come right out and say it?)
What it is you're thinking,
And just what it is you're thinking?
What it is you're thinking, though I'm thinking it's not what I wanna hear.

Decision Time

I'm sure you're all aware of the decision that Mark and I have to make; whether to continue dating, take a break or break up. Well, I've come to a conclusion: I don't want us to take a break. As far as I'm concerned, taking a break is just a slower, more painful way of breaking up. Because, one of the things we had talked about if we were to take a break was that we would be allowed to go on dates with other people. Not exclusively or for long periods of time, but we could go on dates. The thing is, we would have to tell each other that we are going on date with someone else. I have been thinking about this all week, and I know now that it would kill me to hear that Mark was going on a date with someone else, because I would think, "That girl is supposed to be me... why isn't it me he's going out with?"

But then again... What if taking a break is exactly what we need? What if we go on dates with other people, and find someone who's much better for both of us? Not that I think I could find anyone better than Mark. I was thinking about our relationship last night, and I realized that we have got something really special going for us. He has changed me so much since we started dating; he's challenged me in my walk with Christ, he's challenged me to become a better person in general, and he's opened my eyes to what's really going on in the world. I just wish that I could've changed him in some way. But no, all I think I've done for him is annoy him with all my talk about Broadway and musicals and shows and being famous and going to New York City someday and making it big... it's understandable why he would want to look for someone better. Someone who shares more of his interests in traveling. Yeah sure, I would love to travel. That's something I would love to do, once I got out of college and could actually afford to travel.

And there's one part of me that thinks he's already found that someone, and it's not me. I think the reason he wants to take a break is because he's interested in someone else, and he wants us to take a break as an excuse to get to date this other person. That's what hurts the most, thinking that he's tired and annoyed with me now, so he's just gonna take the easy way out and go for this other person... and all the while I'm stuck with a heart full of confusion and hurt, and a mind that is trying to wrap around the fact that my dreams of Broadway are the only thing standing between me and a life of happiness with someone else. I'm really hoping that is not the reason why he wants us to take a break.

I've found another theme song for my life right now. It's called "Come Right Out And Say It" and it's another song by Relient K. I'll post the lyrics later. I'm anxious for Monday to get here. That's when we're gonna talk again and perhaps make our decision. I could be totally wrong about everything I've been thinking this week; Mark could surprise me completely and say that he wants us to keep dating. I just have no idea what he's thinking! He's like Charles Dickens; very hard to read, and sometimes impossible to even understand.

I guess that's all for now... Sorry for all the gloom and doom (and sorry for switching topics all over the place) but I just don't know what to expect from him, and it's driving me crazy! Anyway, see you later.

Let It All Out

Here's another song that pretty much describes where I'm at right now (and yes, in case you haven't noticed, I love it when I can find songs that match my mood or feelings; songs can say a lot more than one person could ever write or talk about) this song is called "Let It All Out" by the awesome band, Relient K.

Verse 1:
Let it all out (get it all out)
Rip it out, remove it.
Don't be alarmed when the wound beings to bleed.
'Cause we're so scared to find out (what this life's all about)
So scared we're gonna lose it,
Not knowing all along that's exactly what we need.

And today I'll trust You with the confidence
Of a man who's never known defeat.
But tomorrow upon hearing what I did,
I will stare at You in disbelief.
Oh, inconsistent me.
Crying out for consistency.

Chorus:
And You said, "I know that this will hurt.
But if I don't break your heart, then things will just get worse.
If the burden seems too much to bear,
Remember the end will justify the pain it took to get us there."

Verse 2:
And I'll let it be known (at times I have shown)
Signs of all my weakness,
But somewhere in me there is strength.
And You promise me (that You believe)
In time I will defeat this,
'Cause somewhere in me there is strength.

And today I'll trust You with the confidence
Of a man who's never known defeat.
And I'll try my best to just forget
That that man isn't me.

Chorus:
And You said, "I know that this will hurt.
But if I don't break your heart, then things will just get worse.
If the burden seems too much to bear,
Remember the end will justify the pain it took to get us there."

Verse 3:
Reach out to me, make my heart brand new.
Every beat will be for You, for You.
And I know You know, You touched my life,
When You touched my heavy heart and made it light.

Learning to Let Go

So it's been a while since my last post, and I think I should give you an update on what's going on. First off, Mark and I had our talk yesterday. It went much better than I expected, and I wasn't as freaked out as I thought I would be. At the moment, we have 3 options, and I might have found a fourth, but I'll have to talk to him about that first. Option 1: we stay together. Option 2: we break up. or Option 3: we take a break. My fourth option is just that we slow things down a little more, although I think he would argue that we are going as slow as it gets, so that might not be an option at all.

Anyway, I think it's obvious to everyone what I want. I don't want to break up, and I really don't want to take a break, but if it's between breaking up and taking a break, I will take the break. I think we could work everything out, if we are both determined to keep this going. I told him, however, that I don't want him to stay with me if he's going to be unhappy, and definitely to not stay with me just because of feeling guilty about breaking up. I don't want that; I want him to be happy, and if that means he will be happy if he's with someone else, then let it be.

We're going to get together again and talk next Monday, provided I'm not completely exhausted from a week of Opera Workshop. But I think that if I don't go to the cast party on Saturday night that I'll be fine by Monday. It hurts a lot to think about us breaking up. Part of me says I'll never be able to find someone better than him, and that's true, I probably won't because guys these days are just complete and total wimps when it comes to telling the girl they like how they feel about her, especially Christian guys. I'm just sayin'. But the other part says that God knows what is best for me, that He knows the perfect guy for me and that He wants me to be happy... but sometimes I doubt that God really does want me to be happy, just because of all the crap that I've gone through in my past experiences with guys.

And Mark is so good to me... I can't imagine finding someone better than him. He says that he's "failed" me in being a good boyfriend, but I know that's not true. He obviously isn't seeing things the way I see them. And he's been so good for me, too. But I also want to trust God in that He knows what's best for me, and that if by some miracle there is someone out there for me that is better than Mark, then I want to be obediant and be able to let Mark go.

(sad sigh) If I have to let Mark go, it would help A LOT if only I could know for sure that there IS someone out there for me that is better... but I don't have that assurance :( that's my only problem with God; everything is uncertain and I never know what to expect with Him. Yeah, I like adventure and surprises, but when it comes to this stuff, I wish He would just FREAKING TELL ME WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!!!!!!!!!!! >_<

Sorry about that, I've just got a lot of bottled up emotions running through me, and I need to get them out somehow... maybe I'll go work out this weekend... then again probably not, I'm going to want to sleep in on Saturday, since Friday will be a LONG night for me. And I need to leave to go home in a minute (I'm at the library right now) anyway, I'll post again soon :) later!

Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend

Just for the record, no, I'm not going to be talking about diamonds or any other sort of jewels; this song is stuck in my head, so that's what I decided to title this entry :) fun right? Yep! Hahaha :P Anyway, I should give you an update on what's happening. I'm still going to meet Mark tomorrow so we can have our "talk" and I think it's safe to say we are both nervous. BUT! We decided last night that we won't make a final decision until Monday or Tuesday, after we've both had time to think over everything. Which is perfectly fine with me. What I was really worried about was having to make a decision on Friday, since I would already be stressed and under pressure. Now I'll have the weekend to think things over *insert big sigh of relief here* Yeah, I'm a lot less stressed now. Don't get me wrong, I'm still worried about this talk, but not as much anymore, now that we'll both have time to think it all over, before making a decision.

Also, I've decided to get over my hatred of having my picture taken. Yeah, I really hate having people take pictures of me (unless I'm in costume or have some kind of make-up on. Otherwise, you can forget it.) There are very few pictures that I like of myself, and mostly the reason for this is primarily because I've always hated how I look, ever since I was a kid. Hence where the eating disorder came from. Yes, I had an eating disorder. Anorexia, to be exact. No, I'm not going to go into detail about how painful it was for my family and friends to watch me slowly kill myself, and I'm definitely not going to talk about the time that I spent in a treatment center, recovering from this addiction. I will tell you more about all that as these blogs progress.

Anyway, back to what I was saying. I decided yesterday afternoon that I would begin the process of not hating my picture being taken, so I took my camera, went outside and took A LOT of pictures, and they all actually turned out really good :) I was impressed with myself... and I also began to see something else; how beautiful I am. Yeah, yeah, I know, it's not about what you look like on the outside that counts, and yes, I know that God made me beautiful, because He can't make anything ugly, but... it's nice to finally be able to see for myself how beautiful I really am. My only dislike about the pictures is that my skin looks so bad -_- I should have put make-up on before I took the pictures, but oh well. Maybe I'll take some more pictures another day, and I'll be sure to put on some make-up before.

So yeah, that's what's going on right now. Yeah I know, not very exciting, is it? But it's my life, and it's the only one I got, so I'm going to enjoy it while I've got it :) later, peeps! oh! by the way, here's the pictures if you want to take a look :) http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=74478&id=1250234882&l=acfd1e8fc7