The Pursuit of Happiness

My life in one word: chaos. But it's not exactly bad chaos, if that makes any sense. It's just... crazy, insane, hectic, and at times very random. Lately I've been losing things (like my mind, but that's a different story.) I almost had a heart attack yesterday morning when I realized I couldn't find my 24 Italian Songs and Arias book that I use for my voice lesson, but I knew it could only be in one other place; at the church. So I went today to choir practice and guess where it was? Yep, in the choir room, sitting on the piano hahaha :-P And I lost my favorite jacket a few days ago, and my friend Kayse found it outside near the school (how it got there, I have NO idea, but I'm happy to have it back.) Also, school is KILLING ME. I realize I say that a lot, but now it's October, and it's getting down to the wire. I still don't have any of my voice lesson songs memorized, and I have to have my German piece memorized by next Wednesday because we're having our sung German Diction test that day, so I'm kind of freaking out. And with Ear Training class, I've come to the point where I really feel like just quitting music and doing drama. Ear Training is SUPER HARD for me, and I suck at rhythm (yes, I am rhythmically challenged. Hey, I'm a vocalist, not an instrumentalist.) Of course, Math is hard, as always, that goes without saying. And Ballet has been REALLY challenging and difficult for me lately. We are learning a lot of new material really fast, and it's getting to be very overwhelming.

As for the spiritual life, it's gotten a lot better. I've really been having to draw close to God lately, just to get through the day, and especially to get through the nights. I'm still struggling with a lot of questions that I have, and I'm still trying to settle a lot of issues but it's getting better.

And as for life in general? It's funny... not long ago, I felt like the whole world had ended; I was depressed, sad, angry, bitter, confused, hurting and unable to even think about my life without him by my side. But now... it's not like that anymore. I mean, don't get me wrong, there's not a single day that goes by without me thinking about him, remembering the days that seem like only yesterday where I had never been happier in my life, and still hoping that maybe, just maybe... But God is so faithful and amazing. He's brought some really great new friends into my life, and even though they are completely insane, psychotic, bizarre, random and just plain weird, they are amazing.

I'm sure some of you are wondering if there's any new "prospects" that I have in mind these days. And the answer to that question is, no. There's no guy right now that I am really interested in. Yes, I did have a guy ask me out, and he's really nice and all; we get along great and we're good friends but I told him I would REALLY have to think about it, and he understood. There are still some questions I am trying to answer, and yes, I still have feelings for Mark, let me just put that out there. But I'm trying to put those feelings on hold and/or completely behind me (like I said, I still have some hope, so it's hard to think of getting rid of those feelings completely) but other than that, I am learning to move on. For me, moving on as been about having fun with my friends, checking out cute guys, being involved in church, and attempting to keep myself from drowning in my piles of homework. Basically, I'm doing what any other single girl my age would do; trying to live life without a special Someone by her side. Which is hard, you know? It's lonely. And the memories are so wonderful that it sometimes hurts to think about what I had just a few months ago.

But I am trying to walk in this promise God has given me:

Jeremiah 29:11-13 -

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart." 

 

This verse has been on my mind a lot lately, and I am trying to learn to just let God take the wheel and do what He wants with me. I am wanting to grow closer to Him, because honestly, I need Him now more than I ever have before. I'm starting to see that there are some guys interested in me, and that's kind of unnerving, mostly because for my whole life I never thought guys could/would like me, and that I was destined to become a Crazy Cat lady, but now... now I'm not so sure. I've told two people recently that I'm trying to find out the truth about myself, because if everything I've ever believed about myself is a lie, then I need to... no, I HAVE to know the truth, and if God is truth, then He will have the answers. 

Well, I'm now officially excited for the weekend. My friend Brittney just text me, asking if we can go Halloween costume shopping on Saturday, and she's going to spend the night and we're going to try to get some friends together to go the new Cracker Barrel restaurant that just opened in Kingwood about a week ago. See, what did I tell you? I'm so busy these days, and it's awesome! Man, I love college hahaha :-P well, I need to get to bed. Tomorrow's another busy day. Good night, everyone!