God and Singleness

I was reading my devotional tonight (something that I have NOT been doing regularly, but that I am trying to get back in to doing on a daily basis) and I'm just going to say this. God is amazing, okay? If you haven't experienced His amazing-ness, you are missing out and when you do experience it, it will BLOW YOUR MIND. In my devotional tonight it was based on the verses Hebrews 13:5 and Romans 8:31-39. The devotional talks about singleness, and the painful loneliness that comes with it. Lately, I've REALLY been suffering from the loneliness aspect of being single, and yes, I know it's only been... what, two months, almost three since the break up, but the loneliness is really starting to get to me. That was always the problem when I was single before; the loneliness of it all, it killed me, and now it's back with a vengeance. So it shocked me when I opened this devotional tonight and it was, of course, talking about the loneliness. I sat there for a second and thought, "Wow... God, You never cease to amaze me... You're talking directly to me, aren't You?"

This is what it said toward the end of the devotional:

"Singleness can sometimes mean loneliness at work, at church, at home. If you're single, know that the Lord God sees you and loves you. He has a plan for your life that only you can fulfill. He wants you to seek Him first. Scripture refers to God as our husband and to Jesus as the bridegroom. Pray about what that could mean to you."

At first when I read this, I was irritated and furious; other people have told me this EXACT same thing, and it annoys the crap out of me! What REALLY annoys me is when the people that tell me this are either married already or are dating someone. I always just want to take the person that says that to me by the shoulders, shake them and scream, "THAT'S EASY FOR YOU TO SAY, YOU'RE NOT ME! YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE ME!" Because it's true; those people aren't me. They don't know what it's like to be me. They don't have to be me, to live with my problems and my mind and thoughts... they have NO IDEA what it's like to be twenty years old, a Sophomore in college and be single. That's just... hard, for me. I know that all probably doesn't make any sense, but it's true. It's almost to the point of being humiliating; I'm twenty, for Pete's sake, and yet I'm single! Shouldn't most people my age either have a boyfriend or girlfriend or be dating someone? What's wrong with this picture? Or perhaps, the question should really be... what's wrong with me?

I've always wanted to know the answer to that question, and yet no one will ever give me an answer. That, or they'll say, "There's nothing wrong with you" and I think to myself, "Really... then why the hell do I do nothing but scare guys away?" Because that's really all I do; I scare guys away. I don't know why, I just do. Apparently I'm really intimidating, for whatever reason. My other question is this: if God really loves me, and wants me to be happy and live a fulfilling life... WHY THE HELL AM I STILL SINGLE?!?!? Sorry for the language in this post, but it's true! I don't understand how God can do this to me... especially since He knows how much pain I'm going through, how much it kills me to see other people with their "special someone" and I'm left out in the cold, alone.

After I read the devotional, it started to sink in a little, and it made me less angry. I'm still questioning how God can do this to me, but I do kind of understand a little now maybe why He's doing this. It was right there in the devotional: Seek Him first. That's hard. I remember how in 2009, right after I'd graduated from high school, I went on my very first date with this guy that I met at a friend's party. I was on Cloud 9; a guy was actually interested in me for once! I was so happy... but then, we only wound up going out on two dates, and after that he never spoke to me again. That completely devastated me, and I started to ask myself that question, "What is wrong with me?" That question continued to burn in my mind, and throughout my entire first semester of college I remember how many times I cried and begged God to take away my pain; to give me someone to make me happy. Then I started to get a MAJOR crush on this other guy (a.k.a Mark) and I remember all the times I would cry, beg and plead with God to TAKE AWAY my feelings for him.

I bet some of you are wondering right now, "What the heck? That doesn't make any sense. Why would you want God to take away your feelings for someone?" Because I didn't want to get hurt again. I didn't want to have my heart broken when I found out that he liked someone else, that he wasn't interested in me. I already figured that I didn't have a chance with him anyway, so I didn't want to continue to hope and wish for something that wasn't going to come true. Then, one day I woke up... and I felt so free. I couldn't explain it, but I suppose that it was from the result of battling and arguing with God for almost over a year about me being single, and that day when I woke up, I felt so totally free that I knew what to do. I remember telling God, "You know what? I think I'm gonna be okay with this whole "being single" thing. I think I can actually handle this, as long as You're with me. Bring it on, God!" That was my moment of surrender. I had finally come to accept my singleness and was prepared to take on the world. However, that very night my entire world got rocked when someone told me something I never thought I would ever hear...

So... maybe I just have to get back to that state again, the state of being completely and totally content with being single and then maybe the pain will go away. It went away the first time, maybe this time it will be the same. Because, in all honesty, that's what I want the most right now: I want this excruciating pain to just go away and never come back. It's going to take time, of course. That's the part that sucks is that I know it's going to take time. A LOT of time. But if in the end it gets rid of all this pain, then it will be worth it.

Well, it's late and I need to get to bed. Got school in the morning, and I'm gonna be out late tomorrow night. My friend is celebrating her 22nd birthday and it's from 7 till... who knows when? Hahaha :-P Anyway, good night, peeps!