Transfers, College, Life and Letting Go

My life just continues to get more interesting by the day. I just talked on the phone to Dr. Hodges from ETBU (East Texas Baptist University) and set up an audition date for November 12. I must say, I'm pretty excited :-) even though ETBU isn't my number one choice to transfer to (my number one choice is AMDA, the American Musical and Dramatic Academy, but that's all the way in NYC, so yeah, that's not gonna happen) it's still a really good school; a somewhat small but absolutely beautiful campus, and the teachers seem really friendly. The dorms are nice (my parents and I went to visit the campus in the Spring, so I've been there, but I haven't talked to any of the music or drama faculty) so this trip will be good. I'll get to talk to the teachers and start making some connections. The next thing I'm excited about is I'm going to go visit SHSU (Sam Houston State University) on November 20, which makes me REALLY excited, since Sam is one of the few colleges that offers a Musical Theater degree, which is what I really want to do :-)

As for my life at LSC Kingwood, it's been a rough semester. I haven't memorized/worked on ANY of my new pieces (yes, I know, shame on me) and my math class is KILLING me (even though this is just a remedial class and it doesn't really matter if I get an A in this class or not, I REALLY don't want to fail it either because then I'll just have to take it again -__-* grrrrr math is evil.) Ballet is, surprisingly, going very well for me. I mean, yeah, it's not easy since I'm not naturally a dancer, but I'm improving a lot, at least I think so. And what's also great is that I'm starting to feel somewhat graceful when I dance, not awkward or uncomfortable or anything... and I feel beautiful :-) it's an amazing feeling to be learning a new technique, look at myself in the wall-length mirror and actually look and feel beautiful. My other classes, like Ear Training/Sight Singing, Piano and Theory are going pretty good. I'm learning more things in all of those classes which are helping to make me into a better musician and a better performer.

As for my life in general? Not too bad, can't really complain. I'm still going through a lot, and part of me doesn't really want to post any of that on here because it's personal and I feel like I've already talked enough about the emotional roller-coaster I've been riding lately in my past blogs, so I'm reluctant to post anything too personal right now. All I will say is that I'm doing better. I'm not great, I'm not fantastic and I'm not super, but I'm okay... no, I'm not even okay, I'm just... fine. It's hard to describe where I'm at emotionally right now, because to be honest, I'm not sure if I'm really in touch with my emotions at this point. I mean, I'm so busy these days that I don't really have time to stop and take a good look at my mental and emotional state... but a few nights ago, something weird happened. I was coming out of the Nathaniel Center after JBG rehearsal. I was walking to my car when I looked up at the sky. The sun was setting, and I noticed how beautiful it was... but I also noticed that I there was this pain creeping into my chest. I stood there, watching the sunset and wishing I had someone there to watch it with me. I felt lonely. That was the pain I was feeling.

Last night I hung out with Nick, Kayse and Jackie. Nick had just gotten off of work and wanted me to take him home real quick to change out of his uniform. I drove him to his house, and while I waited outside in the car, I looked up. It was a beautiful night; a cool evening with a breeze, and the stars were out. I sat there, watching them, and that pain came back. I was fine once Nick and I got back to Sonic to meet with Jackie and Kayse, but I know that's only because I got distracted and wasn't able to think about the loneliness. I'm sure that with time this feeling will pass, in fact, I'm certain of it. I've always envied women who are able to be happy without having a man in their life, and that's the kind of woman I want to be. Because, and you've heard me say this before, I probably won't have a man in my life. I realize that that may be a very negative mind-set, but it's called facing reality, and I need to wake up and accept the truth.

Today I was talking to one of my best friends, Khrys. I told her about how I still have this little hope in me that maybe, just maybe, someday Mark and I will get back together again. You know what she told me? Basically she told me to stop doing this to myself; stop trying to think that way, because if Mark and I are going to be friends again, I can't think that way anymore or our friendship will end in disaster. And she's right (she usually is when it comes to stuff like this) I have to stop thinking about that. I have to stop hoping. Besides, it won't happen anyway. We're both going in totally different directions in life, we both want totally different things, and I probably won't even be around by next year if I manage to transfer to where I decide to go. And maybe by letting go of this hope I'll finally be able to really move on. I guess we'll see in time. It seems easy enough... but then again, isn't that how a lot of things in life are? They seem simple; get good grades, go to a good school, get a good job, make time for your friends and family, but it's never as easy as everyone tells you it is. I'm starting to figure that out for myself.

Well, I better end this here. It's already 3:30 and I'm still in my pjs (I didn't wake up this morning until 10:30 and then I watched "The Vampire's Assistant" for the rest of the morning) and I have homework to do. So... until next time :-) later, peeps!