Solitude and God

You know people will tell you that being alone isn't the way to cure loneliness? Because when you isolate yourself from everyone that loves you, you start to sink further and further into that black abyss, this I know is very true. But... what if what you really, truly need is to just be alone? What if that is the cure for loneliness? I'm starting to wonder. Tonight after the Creative Arts Ministry Bible study I wanted to walk around outside the church. The night was beautiful; cool, crisp and the wind had the delectable smell of Autumn. So I walked around, just letting my thoughts wander... unfortunately, they started to go in a direction that I've been trying to avoid since the break up. Memories began flooding back to me; everywhere I went, there was something that reminded me of a memory of him and I together. After a while, I sat myself down on a bench, and began talking to God. The next thing I knew, I was sobbing, crying my heart out to the One who has been with me through this whole thing. When I finally got up to leave, I looked at my phone. I had been sitting there for about an hour, just talking (mostly rambling) to God.

You see, one of the great things about God is that you can do that. You can ramble all you want to Him and He won't care if you're not making a lick of sense, because He already knows everything you're trying to say/wanting to say. And you don't have to worry about sounding stupid to Him, because He already knows what you're thinking. That's one of the amazing things about talking to God. And the thing is, I've had A LOT on my mind lately, and not just school related things. I'm so... confused now. I don't know what to believe anymore, and I'm scared. I'm literally living in fear. I am like a little girl that is stuck inside a grown woman's body, and I don't know how to handle this scary, confusing world and I don't know what to believe, what is really true. Everyone keeps telling me different things on how to get back on with living my life, but none of it is consistent. One person tells me one thing, and someone else tells me another thing. I don't know what to believe, I don't know what is true, and I don't know who to listen to.

My friends all mean well, they really do, but now I'm so turned around I don't know which way is up. Some people tell me to keep hoping; don't give up, maybe it will work out someday. Just give it time. And other people tell me to give up hoping; stop thinking that way, because it's never going to happen. You're just fooling yourself. The thing is, I want to keep hoping, but I also know that by giving up hope I'll maybe have a chance to really start to move on and truly let go of this dream that is obviously never going to come true, because all it's doing is killing me. But... there's something inside of me that doesn't want to give up hoping, even though all it does it bring me pain.

Well I should probably go to bed. I've got a long day tomorrow (singing in a recital and also got an exam in Theory... blah, I hate Mondays) good night, everyone.