The Wandering Mind

Okay, so... yeah, something interesting happened to me tonight. I haven't posted any thing in a while (mostly because I've been too busy to have time to actually sit down and type anything) but also because my life has been really crazy and hectic lately. But someone (I honestly have no idea who this person is, but apparently they read my blog) and this person sent me a text tonight telling me that now is the time to write a new blog post. It kind of has me freaked out a little, because I don't know who this person is and they refused to identify themselves, but I decided that it would be in my best interest if I wrote this post. So, whoever you are, I hope you enjoy this post. Aside from that, I can tell you that it's amazing how a lot can happen in just two weeks. I've had a lot of things happen to me, and I've also discovered a lot of things about myself.

I've discovered that it IS possible for a guy to like me. Yes, I know, shocking right? But it's true. There is this guy who REALLY likes me, and yes, we've been on 3 dates already... and this is where things start to get complicated. I've also discovered that I'm not ready to date again. Not yet. I thought I was. When this guy first asked me out over a week ago, I thought to myself, "Sure, why not? I mean, what do I have to lose? Nothing. So, why not?" But I also had second thoughts. "I don't know if I'm ready to do this again... can I handle this? Am I ready?" And in answer to that question, the voice in my head told me, "Erin, if you're not ready now, you'll never be."

It's really kind of hard to describe how I came to the realization that I'm not ready to date again yet. I have been praying about this for the last 2 weeks, ever since I went on that first date with this guy, and I had been asking God to show me, tell me somehow, if this was the best thing for me right now. And He answered it. Loud and clear, to be exact. Lots of people think that God doesn't hear our prayers, that God doesn't answer prayers anymore. Well, I am hear to tell you today that is FAR FROM TRUE. God definitely answers prayer. Maybe not in the way we would want Him to, but He does.

I entitled this post "The Wandering Mind" for a reason, because that is that is exactly what my mind has been doing for the last 2 weeks. Wandering, aimlessly and often times into places I would prefer that it wouldn't go. I guess that's the price you pay when you think about things too much. I rarely have time for myself anymore; time to just relax and not worry about anything. And when I am by myself, my mind likes to think about things, and I really wish it wouldn't. Thinking about things has gotten me into a lot of trouble lately, and it seems that when I think about things, someone always ends up getting hurt by me. That is another thing I've discovered. I hurt people. Last night I told this guy that I can't pretend anymore. I can't pretend to be okay, when really I'm not. I can't pretend that I don't have any issues that I still need to deal with, when it's very obvious that I do. I can't pretend to have feelings someone new, when I clearly still have feelings for someone else. I can't pretend anymore. I'm tired of pretending. My whole life has been about pretending. When I was a kid, I loved to play Pretend. I could be anything or anyone I wanted to be, and the story always ended the way I wanted it to. Now, 20 years later, I'm still pretending.

This is going to sound very strange, and it may have me wind up in a mental institution, but... my life has never felt real. It has always felt like I was in a dream, like this was just a play going on, with me as the leading role and everyone else around me was the other characters. Sometimes I've wondered if my life is even real. If I am even real. It feels that way sometimes. And I came to that realization last night, which is what made me tell this guy that I couldn't go on pretending. It's scary to think now; is my life real? Is all of this even real? It scares me to death, because then that means... what does that mean?

I know that it was God who gave me this wake up call. It was definitely God, there is no arguing that. I asked Him to show me if this was what is best for me right now, and not only did He answer that question, He also showed me how far I've truly fallen into the black abyss that is known as Imagination and the power of Creative Thinking. Creativity and Imagination are two wonderful traits to have in any person, because they give us the ability to express ourselves through art, music, dance, acting, poetry, stories and the like. But they also have a dark side, because they can completely take over you and, quite frankly, possesses you. I am starting to see this very clearly.

Now, does this mean I am going to stop writing, acting, singing, dancing and enjoying being creative? Absolutely not. God gave me these gifts for a reason, to serve Him, and that's what I intend to do. But I'm going to have to be more careful from now on. Already several times today I have had to remind myself, "This is real, Erin. Your life is real. Everything that is happening around you is real. It's not all in your head. This isn't some fantasy world." Yes, I am well aware of how completely insane, crazy and irrational that sounds. But hey, human beings are the most irrational creatures on the planet. We love the people who hate us, we hate the people who love us, and most importantly, we keep doing the same things over and over again and expect a different result every time.

Sorry for all of that. I'm sure that everything I just typed doesn't make any sense whatsoever, or maybe it seems to be so far over the top that there's no way a person could actually experience these things, but I do. Which is why, I suppose, my life is always stressful. But, then again, my life may always be stressful, but it is NEVER boring. There's never a dull moment for me.

Well, I need to get to bed. I'm exhausted, and tomorrow is Monday, which means tomorrow will be a busy day. Good night, everyone! :-)