Christmas Time

So yeah, Christmas is this Saturday. That should make me really happy, right? After all, Christmas is my favorite holiday, and December is my favorite month. But this year's different, for some reason. As I might have stated in my last update, I've been feeling depressed lately, and then of course, my dad has been without a job for about a month now, and on top of all of that, this semester in school has been... well, just really weird, and bad and all around not-so-good. In fact, this entire YEAR has been really weird. Yes, it's had its good moments, but it's mostly just been really weird and it's had a lot of bad moments.

I just don't understand it. Christmas is supposed to be the happiest time of the year, but I don't feel happy. I feel depressed, agitated, unhappy, and irritable. Everything seems to set me off, or make me sad or angry, and I really hate it. I think I have a couple ideas as to why this is happening, but they're such dumb reasons. It's things that shouldn't effect me, but for some reason they have; things that shouldn't bother me, but they do. I hate being like this, and I really hope that 2011 will be a much better year. I think I just need a fresh start, and a brand new year is just what the doctor ordered, and not just for mental health, but for my education and my spiritual health as well.

You see, I failed my math class. Sure, it was only a remedial class, so it's not going to show up on my transcript and it won't be able to transfer to another college after Lone Star, but the fact remains that I still failed it. And I got a C in my Ear Training/Sight Singing class, and that's mostly because Ear Training is such a freaking hard class, and we were learning a bunch of new stuff that I didn't really get until the end of the semester, but at that point I had still failed all of my quizzes in the class, so it didn't really matter by the time finals came around.

And to top it all off, my spiritual life has... well, basically been non-existent, so that has greatly increased my depression. I haven't been living the kind of life a true Christian should be living. I've made a lot of mistakes this Fall, and I'm not proud of that, because I know the consequences have really effected me in a way I didn't think they would, and not just me, but some of my good friends too. Like Yamma. When I told Yamma, she was really disappointed in me. She was so upset, and she couldn't believe I would do something like that. I haven't talked to Yamma since then, and it's been about 2 or 3 weeks since I told her. I'm scared to try and call her again, because I don't know how she's going to react to me. She says this hasn't changed how she sees me, but I know it has. She told me that I had really let her down and really disappointed her. Those words were like a knife through my heart. I originally thought she would take it better than she did, but I was horribly wrong. My other friends, like Brittney, Hannah and Khrys, all took it very well, and actually Brittney told me that she was proud of me.

When Brittney told me that, I felt extremely confused. How is it that 3 of my friends could take it so well, but Yamma took it so hard? And why did no one else seem to be angry and disappointed in me, but Yamma was? It didn't make any sense to me, and it still doesn't.

Well, I suppose that's enough for right now. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, and I'm hoping that I'll feel less depressed so I can enjoy my time with my family. Until next time, Merry Christmas, everyone :-)