New Year, New Start... Or Not

Today is New Year's Eve, and that means it will be a new start for many people, including myself. For me, 2010 has been a year of new friendships, new experiences, new challenges, new disappointments, and new hardships. I've stood on the tallest mountain, and I've walked through the lowest valley. I have learned new things about myself; I have changed in so many ways, and yet when it comes right down to it, I haven't changed at all. I am still me, and yet I am a different me, a new me. In one word, 2010 was weird. It was such a strange mixture of good things, wonderful things, bad things and terrible things.

I went to a part of Texas and interacted with people who didn't speak English, I went to New Orleans for the first time, I went to see my favorite musical, 'Wicked', I got my first kiss and first boyfriend. I got to get experience in working backstage for a musical, I got experience in being in opera, I got my heart broken for the first time, and I got to experience the healing power of starting over. I have known what it feels like to be absolutely and completely happy and I have known what it feels like to be completely devastated and feeling like you're going to die. Yes, indeed, it has been a rather strange year.

I would like to think that this new year is going to be an improvement, but somehow, I'm not so sure it will be. I want to be optimistic about starting the new year, but I also want to be realistic. Realistically, this new year probably won't be any better than this year has been. Why do I say that, you ask? Call it a woman's intuition. You see, during these past few weeks as I've been on break, I've had a lot of time to think about the current "relationship" I'm in (if you can even call it a relationship) and I'm starting to think that it won't be much longer before either he ends it or I do, because quite honestly, I don't know how much longer I can handle being ignored and being made to feel that I am not worth his time... although that is true, because I'm not.

I think it's time I got something out in the open, something I haven't told anyone yet, not even my closest friends. Before Winter Break, Travis tried to break up with me. It's a long, complicated and not-so-pretty story, but in the end, I was begging him for a second chance, and he gave it to me, though not exactly ready and willing. And you know what's strange? That is exactly what I begged Mark for, a second chance. Why is it always me begging, pleading, crying for a second chance? And why is it that no guy really ever wants to give me that second chance? He does it, but unwillingly, and then it's always me who is left wondering, "What did I do wrong? Am I not worth it?" Apparently I'm not.

I've decided something. I'm going to wait until after the holidays are over to try and talk to Travis. I'm going to wait until we have that extra rehearsal for the Chamber Singers choir tour to talk to him. Why? Because I'm willing to give him a second chance. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and trust that he still wants this. I'm going to trust him, and I'm going to give him another chance to prove to me that he still wants this relationship. Maybe I'm doing the dumbest thing ever. Maybe I'll just end up getting hurt again, but I'm willing to give him a second chance and if I get hurt in the end, then so be it. I don't want to be afraid of getting hurt anymore. Maybe that's an ambitious and unrealistic goal, but it's what I want... it's the only way I will ever be able to open my heart up to someone else when this my relationship with Travis is over, which may be sooner than I think.

Anyway, that's how my year was, in a nutshell. Tonight I'm going to hang out with Nick, Kayse, Nick's sister Jackie, Mark and some other cool people :-) what a great way to end the year. I hope you all have a safe and wonderful night :-) Thanks to everyone who reads this blog and I'll see you all in 2011!