Smile and make them think you're okay...

I got an email from Mark last night. Well, actually, more like this morning because he sent it to me at 1 in the morning. At first, I was furious; how DARE he try to contact me through something so impersonal?! That's almost as bad as trying to say something really important and personal over a text message! And to be honest, I really didn't want to read it at first. I wanted nothing more to do with this, and I didn't want to hear anything he had to say to me. But... somehow, I just couldn't ignore him. I wanted to know what he had to say, even if his words would be painful.

I don't want to reveal what the message said; that is personal, and even though we aren't dating anymore, I still feel that any communication between Mark and I shouldn't be posted in some blog. It's between the two of us, and honestly, I feel that by my posting anything he said in the email onto my blog would break whatever trust we have left. All I will say is that when I read it, I had a wave of mixed emotions overpower me. At the moment, all I feel is emotionally drained. It's hard to describe exactly how I'm feeling after reading that email, because it's just a mixture of EVERYTHING: happy, sad, hurt, angry, confused, everything you can think of, and it's making me tired. And I can't be tired, I've got a lot to get done today.

I don't know if I will respond to the email, at least, not any time soon, not right away. I might in time, but I don't really know what I would say. And he doesn't expect me to respond right away either, so that takes away some pressure. But honestly, I don't know what I would say to him. Oh sure, I've got a lot I could say, and a lot I probably should say, but... I don't know if I want to. I feel that everything I needed to say has been said already, and that there's really nothing more for me to say to him, but I know I'm wrong. There's A LOT I need to say to him, a lot that he needs to know. And maybe at some point this week I'll be brave enough and strong enough to reply to that email, but until then...

This is crazy... I keep reading it! I keep going back and reading the freakin' thing! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!?!? Sorry for the language, but this is driving me insane... er! I don't know what to do! Half of me is pissed off at him and wishes he would go die in a ditch! But... the other half of me, the half that can never be angry with him, wants more than anything for things to go back to the way they were; me being the happiest I've ever been and knowing that someone really, truly cares about me.

So... this is reality. This is the real world: Pain is real, you do get your heart broken, people do reject you, you're never going to be good enough for anyone, and time isn't always on your side. That's what I'm discovering these days. No one ever tells you about these things; when your parents are teaching you your ABC's, your 123's and your colors, they forget to mention all the bad things that life has to give you: pain, heartache, rejection, loss, failure and depression. They never tell you about those things, the things that no one is exempt from in life, no matter how "good" of a person you are.

Honestly, I think it was very brave of him to send me that email. He has guts, let me tell you, especially since I think he knows just how much I would LOVE to slap him, or do something not-so-nice to his car. He's very brave for trying to reach out to me again, since to be honest, I didn't think he would actually try. I know that sounds terrible and demeaning to his character, because Mark really is an amazing guy, but... I really didn't think he would try to contact me first. Maybe he really does care about me... I know, I know, I shouldn't be thinking that way, because I shouldn't be giving myself false hope. But I think I always knew he really did care about me, especially while we were dating. It's funny... how now that we broke up I'm just now starting to realize how much he did care about me... and how much I really did care about him. Strange how life works that way sometimes; you have to lose that one special thing before you can fully understand how much it meant to you.

It's weird... I'm interested in two other guys right now (besides Mark), but I don't know if dating either one of them would ever work out. I say that because

1. One of them I don't know very well, so I'd rather actually get to know him better (and actually talk to in person) before I make any decision on whether he is a worthy candidate for dating.

2. The other... well, let's just say... it would be awkward.

And, quite honestly, I don't know if either of them fit my standards... of course, my standards for dating a guy are RIDICULOUSLY high, almost to the point of being non-realistic, so there's no way that any guy out there could ever fit my standards. And I hesitate to think about lowering them, because everyone tells me that I shouldn't do that, but... they're too high, too high for any guy to ever reach. So... why not? I know that's disrespectful to myself, because I should only want the best for myself, but if it's not possible for any guy to meet my standards, then I might as well become a nun and forget about finding true love. Or just lowering my standards to a more realistic level and then just... I hate to use this word... settle. After all, no one is perfect, and I don't expect the guy I marry to be perfect either, but... he doesn't have to be perfect. He just has to be perfect for me. He should fit like a glove, be my other half. But... there's no one out there like that. Not anymore. Well, there is, but we're not dating anymore.

And so, dear blog readers, I bid you farewell... until my next post.