When Life Gives You Lemons, Demand For Chocolate Instead

Hahaha, sorry for the randomness of the title, but I couldn't think of anything else to put, and this is, in a nutshell, how I'm feeling these days. Well, the third week of school has arrived, and I'm already wishing for Winter Break. Life is about to get even more insane than usual, because starting tomorrow I have Johnny Be Good rehearsals every Monday and Thursday from 4:30 to 7, and also starting tomorrow is my Diction class... Lord, please help me to not die of boredom in this class. Amen.

A very strange thing has been happening to me lately, but this morning it was more noticeable, at least to me. I was eating some Cheerios for breakfast this morning before getting ready to go to church... the only problem is, I didn't finish the Cheerios. I couldn't finish them, for whatever strange reason. I've noticed lately that, when it comes to breakfast, or any meal for that matter, I haven't been able to eat a lot... which, for me, is strange, because food is awesome and I always make sure to eat enough to get me through the day. But lately, that has not been the case... which is not normal for me... which, honestly, is scaring me a little. Now, for clarification, for those of you out there that know about my past addiction (anorexia) no, I am not slipping back into my old habits, so do not fear. But all the same, it's scaring me.

I hesitate to say this, but... I'm wondering if it's because of ballet? I don't know; I've only been taking the class for... what, two weeks now? And yes, I've noticed that I've lost some weight (but I'm also gaining muscle, which is good) but I'm wondering if my not being able to eat much is in any way, shape, or form tied to doing ballet? I don't think so, because I don't see a connection, but still... I wonder...

And no, it's not because of the break up with Mark. That has nothing to do with this (although, yes, I will admit, during the first few days I could hardly eat anything because I was so depressed) but it's not like that anymore. This really is starting to kind of freak me out... I guess I'll just monitoring it, and if it gets really bad (which, honestly if I start to lose anymore weight, I think people will start to notice and someone will eventually say something, so I don't think it could get really bad before someone would bring it to my attention.)

Another new update. I finally replied to Mark's email. It took me the whole week to think of what I should/would say. I sent it on Friday... and got a reply back this morning at 12:31 AM. I don't know if I will reply to this one... quite honestly, I think we need to start talking in person. I know that sounds weird, especially coming from me who, at this point, still doesn't feel like talking to him, but I think we need to. It's getting to the point where it feels more like we're business partners instead of two people who just recently dated and even more recently just broke up... two people who are in pain and are hurting because of what happened between us. It's hard for me to honestly say if he's hurting, because he seems perfectly fine on the outside... of course, then again, so do I. I am an actress, after all. He tells me he is, so I'll just have to believe him and accept the fact that this is hurting him just as much as it's hurting me... even if that seems like the farthest thing from the truth.

I wanted to cry when I read the latest reply. I wanted to cry from pain, hurt, anger and confusion... I'm just a big ball of confused and jumbled emotions right now. I don't even know how I feel about this anymore, because my emotions are so intertwined that I can't tell them apart. And it SUCKS. And, to top it all of, I'm freaking EXHAUSTED. Math homework is going to be the death of me, and then I've got all this other homework. It's mostly just a pain right now because A. It's only the third week of school, and I just haven't totally gotten into the swing of a normal routine yet, and 2. I'm going through so much drama right now, and it's making me emotionally tired, which then makes me physically tired. I'm not only a big ball of confused and jumbled emotions, I'm also a sleep deprived ball of confused and jumbled emotions... that's the worse position to be in, I think.

Anyway, it's almost midnight, and I still haven't done my devotional yet... and I have to be up by 6 so I can get to tutoring at 8... tomorrow is going to ABSOLUTELY SUCK. Just saying. Good night, peeps.