Take Me or Leave Me

"Take me for what I am, who I was meant to be. And if you give a d***, take me, baby, or leave me! Take me, baby, or leave me!"

Yeah, that's pretty much my theme song right now. And granted, it's been almost two weeks since it happened, but that's still how I feel. And that goes for every other guy out there who may want to date me: You can either take me as I am, or you can leave me. There's really no other option. I'm doing a lot better these days. Mostly I guess that's because school has started, and therefore I don't have a lot of time to think about it, or him for that matter. And I'm not as depressed as I was, which is great because being depressed was no fun. Now I'm just... here. I can't say for sure if I'm content or not, nor can I say if I'm genuinely, truly happy with my life right now, because I'm not. But I'm not really angry anymore... not really. Oh yeah, sure there's still some anger, but it's not so intense that I want to go and slash his tires. It's mostly just anger about the way he went about ending this.

I wish this has ended differently. I mean, the break up. If this is what he wanted all along, he should have just told me, instead of prolonging this and making me think that he still really liked me. Sure, he said that he still does like me, but I'm not so sure. That's where, to me, the whole action of us breaking up is completely illogical. You don't break up with someone, but say that you still really like them. Maybe I'm just crazy for thinking that. Maybe that's how it's done today; you break up with someone, but you still have feelings for them. That's what I still don't understand, and I may never understand it. But, that's in the past now. I have to keep moving forward; pick up the pieces and go on with life, and pray that my Prince Charming is still out there somewhere, waiting. Sorry for the cheesiness of that statement, but that's what I still believe... I have to believe it, otherwise I have nothing else to hope for in the future.

To be perfectly honest, I think I still have feelings for him. It's hard to be sure if I do or not, because I haven't talked to him or seen him, so as to whether or not my feelings for him are still there, I don't know. And I don't know if I will have those same feelings for him by this time next month, or next year, or even five years down the road. Who knows? Maybe by next year I'll have found someone new, but I doubt it. I don't know when I'll feel ready to date someone else. I may not even date again until I'm completely out of college, just because (as I've already discovered) it's hard to date someone while you're both in college, especially when you both go to different schools. But who knows? I sure don't. I'm just going to leave it up to God... easier said than done, of course, but I'm going to try to stay out of God's way while He's working on my me and my life.

I try to keep looking on the bright side of this, and most of the time I succeed. But... when I stop to think about what we had... I miss it. A lot. It's weird... the positive aspects about being single are just as nice as being in a relationship, but when it comes right down to it, I think I prefer being in a relationship. I like the feeling of belonging to someone, and the feeling that someone belongs to me. I know that sounds strange, and maybe even possessive, but I think everyone wants that, you know? Someone to belong to and someone who belongs to you, and only you. I'd like to experience that feeling someday.

Well, I should probably go home now and have dinner. I'm still at the school, and I'm getting hungry :) Later, peeps!