Don't Waste Your Time... What I really mean is, "Please rescue me"

So... I saw him again today. Yep, I went to church and low and behold, there he was. And in that moment, it really sucked to be me. It's weird... it's been a little more than two weeks, and I told him that I would need at least two weeks before I would feel I could talk to him again. It's been two weeks... and I still can't talk to him. Heck, I can't even bring myself to look at him, for Pete's sake!!! IT'S ANNOYING AS HECK!!!!!!!!!! But... I just can't do it. I can't look at him, and I certainly can't talk to him. I had thought that two weeks would give me plenty of time to get over him, but obviously not. Here's how I see it: I've literally been on detox from him for two weeks (meaning no communication, not talking, no hanging out, zip, zero, nothing that involves him or being around him) and now that school has started I've been able to keep myself busy and occupied so much to the point where I have no time to think about him or our relationship. BUT THEN! I come to church on Sunday, and he's there! AND I CAN'T ESCAPE HIM!!! I can't stop going to Woodridge and I can't go to another church, because Woodridge is my home, and besides I shouldn't have to go to different church just because he's there.

I'm just hurting. I can't talk to him because I'm still hurting, and I can't stand to see him being so happy because that means that's he's perfectly fine without me... he never needed me, and he never will. I know that sounds very selfish of me, but it's true. He never needed me. He doesn't need me to be happy, because I never could make him happy, not genuinely, truly happy. He's moved on now, and me? Sure, I've moved on somewhat, but if anyone were to ask me if I was okay (which a lot of people are doing these days) and if I were to answer them honestly (which, truth be told, I really don't) I wouldn't be able to say "I'm okay" or "I'm getting better" because honestly, I'm not. I mean, I'm not getting worse, but I'm also not getting better. I'm just here, just simply existing. And I don't like it, but I've got nowhere else to go. I'm stuck; not getting better, but not getting worse. I wish this would be easier. It's been a lot harder than I thought it would be; trying to forget him, pick up the pieces and move on, and I don't anticipate it getting much better any time soon.

My friend Italia just reminded me of something: "don't expect too much to happen in such a small time frame. two weeks really isn't that long" I love Italia. She is always there for me, and she will always help me to take things into perspective. And I know she's right; two weeks really isn't a long time, and I shouldn't be expecting so much of myself. I mean, for goodness sake, I've been hurt by someone I really care about, and I'm expecting myself to be absolutely okay with everything and move on, which is just completely unrealistic. I didn't think it would be this hard, but obviously he hurt me more than I realized, which means that I liked him a lot more than I originally planned on. Therefore, that means it will take a lot longer than I expected to get over him. Part of me is still hopeful that someday, years from now, it will work out between us. I don't really know of anyone right now that I'd rather be in a relationship with, but then again I've only been in this one relationship, so maybe there's someone out there who is better for me. I can't think of anyone because I don't know any other guys, but maybe, just maybe...

I had a dream about him the other night. I was talking on my land-line to someone (don't remember who) and all of a sudden another call beeps in. I look at the caller ID and it says, "Harris, David". I sigh irritatedly, and ask the person on the phone if I can call them back later. I go over to the other line and you know what he says?

"I just wanted to say hi."

Well... even though it was a dream, what do you say to that kind of statement? In my dream I remained silent; I didn't say anything, but all the while I was thinking "... Really? Really??? What... the... crap? What does he want? Why is he calling me?" I never did say anything, because I woke up. Truth be told, I was actually really surprised when he didn't try to talk to me this morning. I had told him I didn't want to talk to him for two weeks and now that those two weeks are over, I figured he'd be trying to talk to me. But he didn't, which greatly surprised me... and it was also something I greatly appreciated, because I think he could tell that I'm just not ready to talk again yet. That was one of the great things about him, he could always tell when something was wrong with me. You know what? I was thinking about this today... if he really wants to talk to me, then he can make the first move. I'm not going to. I'm not going to be the first one to start this again, because he started this, he ended this, and now if he wants our friendship back, he can start it again. But if he's expecting me to be the one to call him, he's dead wrong. If he really wants us to be friends again, if he really values our friendship, then he can be the one to make the first move.

So, we'll see how next Sunday goes. I don't know... this is definitely going to take longer than I thought it would. And part of the reason why I'm afraid to start talking to him again is because I know that our friendship will never be the same again. It will never be able to go back to the way it was before we started dating, and that scares me. It scares me because I'm afraid that once we go back to being friends, I'm afraid that my feelings for him will come back, maybe stronger than before. And no matter what I try to convince myself of, part of me thinks that he will never want to date me again. I know that shouldn't bother me, but it does. What if he is suppose to be "The One"? What if? I know that's a crazy thing to think , especially since we just broke up and there's not likely to be any point where we want to date again, but still... And then there's part of me that just wants to tell him "Don't get your hopes up" because if he does want us to date again in the future, I honestly don't know if I would want to date him again, because of the hell he put me through in this break up. I'm so conflicted; I'm hoping we will date again, but I'm also trying to prepare myself for the possibility that that may never happen, that he may find someone else or I may find someone else (not likely on my part, but you never know I guess.)

On the outside, I may seem fine to everyone, but really I'm still broken and hurting on the inside. I may seem confident in myself, but I'm just a scared little girl on the inside, wanting to be rescued. I may seem angry and furious and bitter, but I'm just trying to cover up the fact that I've been hurt so deeply by the one person who I thought really cared about me. I try to act like it doesn't bother me to see him, that I'm moving on and that I'm fine, but that is so far from the truth. I may be wanting to slap him on the outside, but on the inside... I just want him to take me in his arms again, to feel safe and protected. I may seem calm and collected on the outside, but on the inside I'm crying buckets of tears. I may appear to be getting better, but I'm not. It may look like my heart is healing, but really it's still very raw with pain. I try to hope for the future, that someday my Prince Charming will come, but honestly I still wish and wonder if my Prince Charming already came, but that he has rejected me because I'm not his Cinderella.

And so, my dear readers, to sum up everything: I am conflicted about my emotions. Very much so, actually. Because emotions can be terrible, horrible little demons that love to lead you astray. Demons that love to watch you fall for somebody, then watch you suffer through agonizing heartache and then try to confuse you as to what you really feel for that person. I suppose what they say is true, "Only time will tell" but what if time is not on my side?