On The Outside Looking In

Well, right now life doesn't look too promising, nor does my future look very bright. Oh sure, anyone on the outside probably thinks that I've got it all together; that my life is full of promise and good things. It sure appears that way. After all, I'm studying something I love (music) and I've got great friends, plus I'm involved in so many things outside of school, like helping with 'Johnny Be Good!' and my church's drama group. My home life is good, for the most part. I've got a family that loves and supports me in everything I do, and my parents both work so that I can have the best life possible. But if someone were to somehow get inside my head, even for a second, they would see what's really going on: a battle. I've been fighting this battle ever since the break up, and to be honest, I don't think I can win. It's hard; when I'm alone and not busy, not doing anything, I begin to hear a voice. Not audibly, just inside my head where only I can hear it. And it tells me things like:

"You're a monster, you're a terrible person."

"All you ever do is hurt people. No one will ever want to be with you."

"You don't deserve anyone to love you, because you're not good enough."

"There's no hope for you; no one could possibly ever love you, and if they did they would have to be mentally unstable and completely insane."

"You should just give up. Lock your heart away, and don't ever give it someone else ever again."

A few nights ago, I had an episode where all I kept hearing was that voice. I was in my car in the parking lot of a movie theater, waiting for my friends to meet up with me, and I just lay there, listening to the voice tell me these things over and over again and I felt like I couldn't move. I didn't want to do anything. All I wanted to do was just lay there and let the voice continue to speak. When my friends got back they were pretty freaked out with me just laying there and not responding. But after a while I managed to pull myself away from the voice and have a fun night with my friends, but I know that this is just the beginning. That voice is here to stay, and no matter what I do it's going to stay in the back of my mind, waiting until I'm all alone again and then...

Surprisingly it doesn't come out much at night when I'm alone. I guess because I mange to keep my mind busy, even before I go to bed (I've been watching movies at night in order to help me sleep lately) and since school has started I'm usually so tired by the time I go to bed that my mind isn't able to think much at all and the voice stays away, which is great because then I can at least get a decent night's sleep, something that I am lacking these days due to school.

You know what's weird? Being single is a lot harder now than it was before... And what's even worse is the fact that there's this part of me that is still hoping that maybe someday it will work out between us, but... no, I can't think like that. It's over. I have to keep reminding myself of that: what happened between us is over, period, and there's no going back now. The only problem with that is it kills me to think that way. It really does. Yes, true, there's someone else I'm kind of interested in right now, not going to lie, but I just can't see myself with someone else. Not now... and maybe, not ever.

You know that sinking feeling you get in your stomach when you find out something ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE? Something you just didn't want to know? Yeah, that's what I've got right now. I was trying to hold on to the little bit of hope that I had left; wishing, hoping, thinking maybe someday it will work out between us. And now? That's gone. Any and all hope that I had for us getting back together is completely non-existent now. And it's killing me, because now there's no hope for me anymore. I'm just not meant to be with someone, period, end of story. Hmm... the thought of becoming a nun is quite appealing now... Naw, that'll never happen either.

Well... now what do I do? That's the big question now. At the moment, all I want to do is cry... and... no, I won't say it, I'll get in trouble if I say that on here... So yeah, I'm not sure what to do now. My life sucks, officially. I have no idea where I'm going in life, I'm still suffering from a broken heart, the one guy I really like has moved on to someone new, and there's no Knight in Shinning Armor coming to rescue me... Can life suck anymore than this? I don't think it can.