Stuck and Not Moving

I'm stuck. Metaphorically speaking, of course. I'm stuck in my process of moving on. I feel like now I'm just not going anywhere. The anger comes and goes, but mostly I'm just depressed and sad, especially when I think about him or talk about him. Anything that has to do with him or reminds me of him in any way, shape or form, I start to get sad. At night it's the worst. That's when I'm alone, not busy doing anything or being with my friends and have to actually lie still and, unfortunately, think. Last night I watched "Breakfast At Tiffany's" and so I stayed up really late... and I started thinking about him, so I stayed awake a little longer. I'm really glad I have that giant stuffed teddy bear. He's been sleeping with me for the last few nights, keeping me company, and giving me something to cuddle and cling to, because right now, that's what I need the most.

I hope that I'm not stuck like this for much longer. It sucks; when I know he's at the church, I want so desperately to go there and see him, to talk to him, but then reality comes crashing in and I know I can't do that, not anymore. And I have the dreaded knowledge of knowing that, even when we become friends again, I won't ever be able to think of him in the same way ever again. I won't be able to look at him and not have all those precious memories of us together come flooding back to me. I wish this was all just a really bad dream, so I could wake up right now and end this. The depression, the wishing, the memories, the pain of knowing he was mine and now he's not and never will be again, it's all killing me. I CAN'T STAND THIS ANYMORE!!!!!
I HATE THIS!!!!! IT'S NOT FAIR! WHY DID THIS HAVE TO END?!?!? WHY DID HE HAVE TO LEAVE ME!?!? WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY!!?!!?!?! WHY CAN'T I FIND HAPPINESS?!!?!?! WHY CAN'T I BE HAPPY?!?!!?! WHY CAN'T I FIND SOMEONE TO LOVE ME?!!?!!?!!?!!!

I just feel really empty and broken on the inside... I don't know what to do anymore. I'm stuck and I don't know how to keep moving forward. I want so desperately to wake up from this nightmare. I want to see him and talk with him and know that he's mine. I want him to hold me, kiss me, talk to me, smile at me. I want to hold his hand, to laugh with him, talk to him about the deep and serious things in life, and to just be with him. But I can't. I can't do any of that. I can't talk to him, I can't/don't want to see him, because I know the moment I see him I'll just be back at square one again: depressed, sad and crying. And he's not mine. Not anymore... and maybe he never was to begin with. I don't know... I just don't know anymore. And the strange thing is, you would think I would be mad at God. But I'm not. I've run so far away from God at the point because I'm afraid that He's mad at me, and that's why He took away Mark. And I can understand that. I would be mad at me too, if I was God.

I'm absolutely dreading going to church on Sunday, because I know he'll be there. I don't know what I'm going to do when I see him. Part of me wants to slap him (of course, we already discussed this) but part of me is afraid I'm going to start crying. Personally, I'd rather do that than slap him, because slapping him won't do any good (as Brittney says, "Violence is not the answer.") And then, there's that little voice in the back of my mind telling me, "Just don't go to church on Sunday. Then you won't have to deal with seeing him at all." But that's not going to happen. I need to be in church right now, maybe more than ever, because that's where all my friends are that care about me and love me. So no, not going to church is NOT an option.

Well, I guess I should go to bed now and try to sleep. I have a feeling it's going to be another long night of sleeplessness. Later, peeps.