Decision Time

I'm sure you're all aware of the decision that Mark and I have to make; whether to continue dating, take a break or break up. Well, I've come to a conclusion: I don't want us to take a break. As far as I'm concerned, taking a break is just a slower, more painful way of breaking up. Because, one of the things we had talked about if we were to take a break was that we would be allowed to go on dates with other people. Not exclusively or for long periods of time, but we could go on dates. The thing is, we would have to tell each other that we are going on date with someone else. I have been thinking about this all week, and I know now that it would kill me to hear that Mark was going on a date with someone else, because I would think, "That girl is supposed to be me... why isn't it me he's going out with?"

But then again... What if taking a break is exactly what we need? What if we go on dates with other people, and find someone who's much better for both of us? Not that I think I could find anyone better than Mark. I was thinking about our relationship last night, and I realized that we have got something really special going for us. He has changed me so much since we started dating; he's challenged me in my walk with Christ, he's challenged me to become a better person in general, and he's opened my eyes to what's really going on in the world. I just wish that I could've changed him in some way. But no, all I think I've done for him is annoy him with all my talk about Broadway and musicals and shows and being famous and going to New York City someday and making it big... it's understandable why he would want to look for someone better. Someone who shares more of his interests in traveling. Yeah sure, I would love to travel. That's something I would love to do, once I got out of college and could actually afford to travel.

And there's one part of me that thinks he's already found that someone, and it's not me. I think the reason he wants to take a break is because he's interested in someone else, and he wants us to take a break as an excuse to get to date this other person. That's what hurts the most, thinking that he's tired and annoyed with me now, so he's just gonna take the easy way out and go for this other person... and all the while I'm stuck with a heart full of confusion and hurt, and a mind that is trying to wrap around the fact that my dreams of Broadway are the only thing standing between me and a life of happiness with someone else. I'm really hoping that is not the reason why he wants us to take a break.

I've found another theme song for my life right now. It's called "Come Right Out And Say It" and it's another song by Relient K. I'll post the lyrics later. I'm anxious for Monday to get here. That's when we're gonna talk again and perhaps make our decision. I could be totally wrong about everything I've been thinking this week; Mark could surprise me completely and say that he wants us to keep dating. I just have no idea what he's thinking! He's like Charles Dickens; very hard to read, and sometimes impossible to even understand.

I guess that's all for now... Sorry for all the gloom and doom (and sorry for switching topics all over the place) but I just don't know what to expect from him, and it's driving me crazy! Anyway, see you later.