"Behind These Hazel Eyes" and 'Rent'

No matter how hard I try to move on with my life, no matter how hard I try to act like it's okay, I'm really not. Yes, I know, from my posts you would think that I'm fine; that I'm moving on with life and that the break up hasn't affected my me. That is FAR from the truth. It has affected my life, very deeply. I realized something while I was driving home from the church tonight: I haven't actually taken the time to realize what I have lost and what I can never have again. I haven't taken the time to realize what has been taken from me, what was once mine, what I had and what it means now that it's not mine anymore. Isn't that strange? I haven't actually, truly mourned the loss of my relationship. Oh yeah, sure I cried a lot, but it wasn't long before the anger, fury and rage set in. Now, I'm just furious at him. I'm angry as hell. I want to strangle him, slap him, make him regret pushing me away. But... there's still a big part of me that is so totally broken where all I want to do is cry, scream, call him or go to his house and beg him to take me back.

Does that sound crazy, foolish, or just completely crazy? Yes, to all three. But it's that part of me that still hopes maybe this is all just a bad dream, that this isn't really happening. And it's that part of me that hasn't fully mourned the loss of this relationship, the part of me that hasn't completely accepted this as reality and that I'm not going to wake up from this nightmare. All I've been listening to lately is Kelly Clarkon's song, "Behind These Hazel Eyes" because it expresses completely everything I'm feeling. Yeah, I know I shouldn't be listening to sad, depressing songs, especially if I want to keep moving on with life, but I can't help it.

I guess... I'm just afraid. Afraid to allow myself to think about all that I have lost, because I think that if I do, I won't ever be able to go on and live my life... but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe what I really need is to think about all that I've lost, cry about it, and then move on. All I've done is cry about the pain of being rejected. But I haven't really cried about losing him, losing such a great relationship and losing everything that I had with him. I told myself and everyone else that I wouldn't let this affect my life, and I don't want it to. But I think I tried to move on too soon. I think I tried to detach myself from the memories of us together too quickly, and that's why I'm still feeling so broken up inside. I still feel this sadness, this brokenness, this... emptiness.

A strange thing happened to me when I was on my way home from church. I was sitting at a light, and something caught my eye. It was this guy, probably a little older than me (or maybe a lot older, I couldn't really tell.) He had his windows down and he was looking at me... smiling. The kind of smile that makes you feel a little uncomfortable, but flattered at the same time. I quickly looked away, acting like I didn't see him. And then, I did the unthinkable (or, at at least it was unthinkable for me): I looked back at him and smiled back. He grinned, and winked at me. I winked back. I started laughing, being very flirtatious. He chuckled, and even though I couldn't hear what he was saying, I could tell by his gestures that he wanted me to get in his car. I smiled, but shook my head (I'm not entirely stupid or desperate.) He nodded, smiled and then the light turned green. When I turned the corner, I realized what I had just done... and it killed me on the inside.

It's hard to explain. I feel like a part of me has died, like there's a part of me that's missing. I feel so alone and lonely. Yes, I'm surrounded by friends and family, people who love me and care about me, but... I still feel really alone. Right now, I'm really glad that me, Kayse and Brittney have been hanging out every day and working out. For one, I'm not all by myself, and my mind is on other things, and two, I'm able to get most of my anger out when I exercise. But now, it's night time. I'll be going to bed soon. And I have to be alone. Yes, I have my "Breakfast At Tiffany's" movie to keep me company, and my giant teddy bear, and my dog, but...

There's another song that I've been listening to. It's called "Will I?" and it's from the musical 'Rent' and the entire song is sung in a round. It's very moving, very powerful... and the words speak directly to my heart.

"Will I lose my dignity? Will someone care? Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?"