Cry

This is going to be the hardest thing I've ever written about, but I need to do this so that I can start the process of healing. Mark and I broke up last night. It's for the best, really. He says we just weren't clicking anymore, and he brought up a lot of things that told me he didn't want to do this anymore, so I told him to just end this now instead of prolonging the agony. It was mutual, really. I feel guilty for making this decision, because when he called it was 11:30 at night, and we finally came to the decision at 2:30 in the morning. The reason I feel guilty is because I think part of my decision was solely based on my emotions at that moment, which were hurt, anger and rejection. I honestly feel that if we had talked the next day, I think it would have been easier to accept. But to be honest, I knew we were going to break up. Somehow, somewhere deep down inside of my heart, I knew it would happen. No break could've made it any better, nothing could've changed his mind about us, and no second chance could've brought us back together again.

It hurts. A LOT. I haven't done this much crying since... I can't remember when. I spent most of the night last night crying my heart out, and at one point I swore I could actually feel my heart breaking in two. I had no idea a person could cry so much, especially since I was basically crying during the entire time Mark and I were talking. I thought at some point the tears would run out, but no. And then this morning I cried some more. Right now the only reason I'm not crying is for two reasons:

1. My grandma gave me some Tylenol, so yeah, I'm pretty relaxed right now.

2. I told Mark that I wouldn't let this completely affect my life. And I won't. I'm not going to let this turn me into a bitter, broken woman who can't let anyone else in her life. I KNOW my Prince is out there somewhere, just waiting for me. I've never had more hope than I do right now for my future. And I have God, and I know He's going to help me get through this. I know He has beautiful and wonderful plans for me and my future. He knows the desires of my heart and He wants those to be fulfilled.

I think this is only going to bring me even closer to my Heavenly Father, who loves me more than any man ever could. His love is eternal and unconditional. And you know what? Maybe this was just the trial run. Maybe this was just the beginning, and the real romance and adventure is just around the corner, with the man I've always dreamed of... the man I truly deserve. The man who deserve all of my passion, love, care, attention, affection and heart. I don't know how long it's going to take me before I feel that I can have a relationship with another guy; it's going to take time for my heart to fully heal, and it's definitely going to take time before I feel I can trust someone else again with my heart and emotions again. But I don't want this to destroy me. I'm not going to let it destroy me. I will let someone in again someday, and when I do, I'll be a little wiser, a little more cautious and more careful with how much of my heart I give away.

One day I'm going to be very happy.

This is going to be my last post about Mark. I don't plan on writing anything more about him, unless I'm writing about something else and the situation applies to something that he did or said, or an experience I had with him while we were dating. I won't ever post anything negative about him (unless I just need to vent, in which case I will then proceed to talk about something positive about him.) But I don't want to discuss him anymore. Not here.

Is this going to be hard? Is it going to be hard to pick up the pieces and go on with my life? Is it going to be hard to see him, hear his voice, talk to him, and especially see him with someone else? Pardon my language, but HELL YES. This is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done. But I know in the end I'll be okay. And besides... my Prince is still waiting for me. My Romeo is out there somewhere.

"Let's go on with the show!"