Learning to Let Go

So it's been a while since my last post, and I think I should give you an update on what's going on. First off, Mark and I had our talk yesterday. It went much better than I expected, and I wasn't as freaked out as I thought I would be. At the moment, we have 3 options, and I might have found a fourth, but I'll have to talk to him about that first. Option 1: we stay together. Option 2: we break up. or Option 3: we take a break. My fourth option is just that we slow things down a little more, although I think he would argue that we are going as slow as it gets, so that might not be an option at all.

Anyway, I think it's obvious to everyone what I want. I don't want to break up, and I really don't want to take a break, but if it's between breaking up and taking a break, I will take the break. I think we could work everything out, if we are both determined to keep this going. I told him, however, that I don't want him to stay with me if he's going to be unhappy, and definitely to not stay with me just because of feeling guilty about breaking up. I don't want that; I want him to be happy, and if that means he will be happy if he's with someone else, then let it be.

We're going to get together again and talk next Monday, provided I'm not completely exhausted from a week of Opera Workshop. But I think that if I don't go to the cast party on Saturday night that I'll be fine by Monday. It hurts a lot to think about us breaking up. Part of me says I'll never be able to find someone better than him, and that's true, I probably won't because guys these days are just complete and total wimps when it comes to telling the girl they like how they feel about her, especially Christian guys. I'm just sayin'. But the other part says that God knows what is best for me, that He knows the perfect guy for me and that He wants me to be happy... but sometimes I doubt that God really does want me to be happy, just because of all the crap that I've gone through in my past experiences with guys.

And Mark is so good to me... I can't imagine finding someone better than him. He says that he's "failed" me in being a good boyfriend, but I know that's not true. He obviously isn't seeing things the way I see them. And he's been so good for me, too. But I also want to trust God in that He knows what's best for me, and that if by some miracle there is someone out there for me that is better than Mark, then I want to be obediant and be able to let Mark go.

(sad sigh) If I have to let Mark go, it would help A LOT if only I could know for sure that there IS someone out there for me that is better... but I don't have that assurance :( that's my only problem with God; everything is uncertain and I never know what to expect with Him. Yeah, I like adventure and surprises, but when it comes to this stuff, I wish He would just FREAKING TELL ME WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!!!!!!!!!!! >_<

Sorry about that, I've just got a lot of bottled up emotions running through me, and I need to get them out somehow... maybe I'll go work out this weekend... then again probably not, I'm going to want to sleep in on Saturday, since Friday will be a LONG night for me. And I need to leave to go home in a minute (I'm at the library right now) anyway, I'll post again soon :) later!