Picking Up The Pieces

Today I went to church, as I always do, but there was something different about this Sunday. For one, a lot of people that usually come weren't there (such as Nick and Brittney.) And also, today was the first day that I have been in the same room with Mark in a little over a week. I know that doesn't sound like a big deal, and really it's not, but I want to tell you about something that happened to me while I was in church this morning. First off, I didn't do anything drastic, like walk up to him and slap him (which he deserves, but I digress) nor did I cry or do anything of that sort. But I couldn't look at him. I wouldn't look at him, to be more precise. I didn't want to look at him, look into his eyes and have all those memories, both good and bad, come flooding back to me. Not now, I'm not ready for that just yet.

I had something come to me today while I was in service this morning. I don't know if it was God, or me, or what (it's very hard to determine when it's God speaking to you or if it's just yourself.) But this came to me: "You have to forgive him. If you want to start really healing your heart, you have to forgive him." That really hit hard. Mostly because I hadn't even thought about when I would forgive him, or if I would ever forgive him for that matter. I have just been dwelling on all the pain, the hurt, the anger and the hell that I've gone through this week that I haven't really thought about forgiving him (yes I realize that is terrible of me, but if you've ever been in the place I'm at right now, you know that forgiveness is the last thing you think of.)

So yeah, I've decided something. I'm going to forgive him. Now, don't go thinking that this means I'm going to be his friend again any time soon, or especially that I'm going to trust him again any time soon, but I want to forgive him, because Jesus has forgiven me, and if this will help my heart start healing, I'll do it. Maybe he doesn't deserve my forgiveness, and I'm pretty sure some people would tell me that he doesn't. But I don't care, I have to forgive him if I want to really move on with my life. Being bitter about this and holding a grudge is only going to make my life worse, because then I'll never be able to let anyone else in again, and that is the last thing I want. But, either way, I have to forgive him.

And then, something else happened while I was helping at the 'Johnny Be Good' Round Table Reading (well... more like, we watched the DVD of the show from 2008.) Anyway, one of the lines said by one of the main characters really spoke to me tonight.

"We can't control what has happened to us. But we can choose to pick up the pieces and go on."

Now THAT was powerful. To me, at least. And, also, the lyrics to a song that is sung in the show.

"Father knows best. He can see right into your heart. Father knows best. He wants to give you a brand new start. You've wandered from the beaten path, He's always there to take us back. Turn your heart toward home again, and never be alone again. Father knows best."

Wow, talk about a message of redemption. Especially when lately I haven't exactly been very close to God. It's not that I'm angry at God for what happened. I don't even blame Him for any of this. I've just been trying to heal my heart on my own terms, in my own way (which basically consists of listening/singing along to sad/angry/depressing songs, hanging out with my girlfriends or having them spend the night, hanging out with friends in general, and flirting with other guys) when really I should be turning to God to heal my heart. He's the only one who knows how to fix it, and how to help me starting living and loving my life again.

Tomorrow is my first day back to school. It's so crazy; it seems like just yesterday when I graduated high school and was starting my first day of college as a freshman. Now I'm going in as a Sophomore, and I know the pressure to perform and do my absolute best will be on. But I am excited. Ballet, voice lesson and Chamber Singers will be lots of fun :) I know that ballet is going to KILL me, especially in the first few weeks (I'm going to be sore in places I didn't even know existed) but it's going to be fun, because I have the determination to do it. Plus, with all that I'm going to be doing with 'Johnny Be Good!' and possibly Opera Leggera, I'm going to be too busy to be depressed and too busy to think or dwell on the "what ifs" and the "whys"

And so, my dear readers, a new school year begins :) And I'm getting ready to go to bed. Got a dentist appointment at 7 in the morning tomorrow... yay (that was sarcasm, by the way :P) and my first class is at 9 but I don't know where my classroom will be, so I want to get there 30 minutes early so I can find it. Until next time :) later, peeps!