The Single Life

I haven't really taken the time to give people an update on what it feels like to be single again. Yeah sure, I've told you about how much pain I'm going through in making this new adjustment, but as far as the feeling of being single again and knowing that I won't be getting any texts messages from someone, saying that they are thinking of me, that's a different story. For one, there's this strange feeling of freedom. I don't have to worry about texting someone when I get home, which is a good thing and a bad thing, because with that comes the feeling that there's no one out there who really cares about me enough to make sure I get home safely. Then there's the good feeling of freedom, meaning I have freedom to flirt with any guy I see and I don't have the guilt of knowing I'm doing something horrible. But here's the dark side of that freedom: knowing that no matter how beautiful I may look on the outside, once a guy gets to know me he's going to run for the hills because he won't be able to understand me. I'm not normal.

And then there's all this free time! It sucks! I'm the type of person who HAS to be doing something, otherwise I get bored and go crazy. Yes, I've been spending a lot of time with my girlfriends lately, but once school starts on Monday we're all going to be so busy that we won't have much time to get together and and hang out (when you're in college, especially when you're a music major, you lose your social life.) I know for a fact that if Mark and I had continued dating it would seem more like we were taking a break, because we just wouldn't have a lot of time for each other... but still, I could make time for him. I always make time for the things, and people, that are important to me. And... there's that empty feeling inside. It's like there's a part of me that's missing, and nothing has been able to fill it. Friends, family, flirting with other guys... it's still empty. I know it's probably not a smart idea to try to get into another relationship so soon after my first one ended, but I can't help it. I want so desperately for this place in my heart to be filled up again, and I want... someone! ANYONE!!! I don't want to be alone! The loneliness is killing me!

You know what? There's this voice in my head that tells me, "You aren't meant to be with anyone. You are meant to be alone for the rest of your life, so why don't you just accept that fact and go on with your life? You don't deserve anyone anyway. Besides, who would want to be with you? You should just lock your heart away and never give it to anyone again, because all they are going to do is hurt you. That's the safest thing to do. It will keep you from getting hurt again, and you'll never have to feel the pain of rejection ever again." You have NO idea how tempting that is. It's an easy way out; locking my heart away to keep it from ever feeling rejected again sounds like the safest way out of this. But that can't be my only option.

I'm starting to wonder what it must be like to date me. It's probably not a walk in the park. Like I said, I'm not normal. It must be the strangest thing in the world; hearing me blathering on about musicals and Broadway and shows and all that jazz must sound like Chinese to anyone who hasn't done theater or has no interest in it. And I'm not exactly the brightest crayon in the box, so there's that. Basically, everything a guy would want in a girl I don't have, and therefore makes me an ineligible date. I just feel really worthless. That basically sums up everything I'm feeling: worthless. And hopeless. I'm just not good enough for anyone.

I blame myself for this break up. I wasn't good enough. In the end, it all comes down to me. I wasn't good enough for him, and he deserves someone so much better. I always thought it was strange, how he could possibly ever like me. I couldn't believe it that night when he told me he liked me, because I knew I couldn't possibly be good enough for him. I thought he was completely out of his mind for liking me; I honestly even questioned his sanity and I still think that... I probably will always think that. Years from now, when I'm living in my apartment in New York City with my five cats, I'll think back on this relationship and the knowledge of knowing that he liked me will still make me question his sanity. I honestly think I would question any guy's sanity if he came up to me and told me he liked me. I would look at him and ask, "Are you high, drunk or a combination thereof?"

I'm talking to my friend Italia on Facebook chat right now. She asked me how I was doing, to which I responded, "Depressed. Same as I have been..." And you know what she said?

"If I may say, I think you're expecting a little too much to happen in too small of a time-frame. As much as it has to suck you have to be patient. And as cliche as that sounds its 100% true." And she is 100% right. I asked her how she knew about that and she said,

"You just feel like everything is coming to a stand-still and you get majorly depressed. You want something to happen and when nothing does, you get even more depressed." That is EXACTLY where I'm at right now. Oh, how I love Italia :) she is like my free therapist. And then she said the one thing I've been wanting someone to say this whole week.

"SO yeah, just hang in there. And besides, you've got a lot of friends and family around you who are trying to help you along. But don't misinterpret that as "don't be sad" cause I think you have a right to be sad, but I'm just saying, with everyone around you, it should be a little easier."

YES. Finally someone has told me that it's okay for me to be sad. All I've been hearing these last few days is "It'll get better soon." "Don't worry, it's his loss, not yours." "You'll get through this, eventually. It just takes time." When all I've really wanted was for someone to tell me, "It's okay to be sad." Because that's all I'm feeling right now; sad.

Well, I guess that's enough for right now. Later, peeps.